The interview. The search. Patience.

A question was posed. How do you find community? Do you do "the interview" with new people, sizing them up to see if the fit your match profile? Are they like you in lifestyle, beliefs, interests, age, beauty, family, status? Do you seek out people who are different, who might challenge you? What people do tend to steer clear of?

I think we all look to find fellowship with people we might be comfortable with, like ourselves, familiar. Most people don't tend to look for friendships in which they will feel awkward or challenged, with people who live lives that may be in conflict with our lifestyle or beliefs.

I personally feel awkward by people who are "cooler" than me, or who are, um, evil, or into that kind of thing. Not that I'd snub them, just that I feel uncomfortable. And people who are way above my socio-economic status.

 

I come from the other side, the side who people rejected after the "interview." Not as much as in high school, but it still happens. When you live in small communities, it's already formed - because you haven't lived there your whole life, OR because you have. When you add being a SAHM, I think it makes life even more isolating. No automatic community of coworkers.

 

I look to church for community, but even there, there is judgement. (And I'm not the only one who feels that way.) So I wonder, is it because I'm too fat, not rich, don't dress a certain way, my hub doesn't attend church, I'm not happy enough, boring, just not desirable?

 

No. I am all those things. I am desirable. I am fun. And who cares that I'm fat, poor, and not fashion savy. My husband and my God love me. That makes me worthy. And because I have not drawn those lines (as much), I have met many strange and wonderful people. In fact, "those" people seem to come find *me*.

 

I do search for community, and deep relationship. I long for it, actually. The more difficult challenge for me is developing relationships with people who don't have time. Our focus, at this stage of life, seems more to be about family. Everyone seems to have a hard time balancing work, family, church and friends. It's frustrating to want to build relationship, but realize that you no longer have the luxury of time and less responsibility than you had during high school and college.

 

Of coarse I have friends. But not really close friends. The inside jokes, the person who knows what I'm going to say before I say it, no kindred spirit, no one who totally understands me without judgement, no one I feel totally safe telling everything.

 

But I'm not complaining. Really. I'm being patient. I have learned to be patient.

 

Many years have gone by since I had those kind of friendships. Lives change, people change, people move, people move on. I tend to hold on to those, even though they're long gone. I mourn the loss. (Can I start another sentance with "I" ?) Since I have had many years "alone", I have learned a few lessons. One of those lessons was that I needed to be thankful and appreciate what each friendship offered, instead of dwelling on what it lacked, what it wasn't. Nor can I put all my eggs in one basket. (A lesson my husband was happy I learned, as I kept trying to make him my basket, and that was too much pressure. Neither was it healthy.)

 

I often wondered if this dry spell was God trying to get me to make Him my best friend. Unfortunately, I don't know that I am capable of having that kind of a relationship with Him, sad as it is to say that. I need tangible. Sorry, God.

 

So I wait. I wait for the day, the opportunity, the person who God wants me to know as friend. I wait for the day when I can have a conversation not interrupted by many small children. :)

 

In the meantime, I enjoy the friendships I have on the level they're at, I count the blessings (1,2,3,4 and many more) that I have today, and pray for that *next door neighbor who wants to come over and hang out at my house just as much as I want to hang at hers, not bothered while I fold by piles of laundry, to share each other's secrets, and build a history together as friends. (*It's just so conveneint that way.)

 

**And God, if you're listening, it would be really great if she had a husband who was just as much a friend to my husband as she is to me. Thanks.

Reaction

Someone tells you of their multiple unending crises of life, car problems, the dental bill, the financial woes from here to Tennesee, what do you do?

Your husband is totally stressing about upcoming job changes, and you are worried about being able to pay the heat bill this winter, what do you do?

Someone tells you they are depressed and have tried, seriously, to take their own life, what do you do?

A friend confides to you that they have no hope for a situation, feels as though their dreams are dying, what do you do?

When life comes at you all at once - supper burning, phone ringing, child crying, children fighting, headache, hungry, diapers, bills - what do you do?

I have had occasion, in the recent past, to wonder, "what do people who aren't Christians do? How do they cope with crises? Where, or to whom, do they turn?"

I seriously don't know.

I have always known I have a God to turn to, who is my protector and provider. He is the one who cares most what happens to me, where I land, where I go. He should be my source, my all in all. Tonight, in talking to some friends, I listened to a story shared about how one woman would pray before she dealt with each new "customer" that she was to help. Many times she would walk away amazed at how God had used her in their situation, in ways she could never have done on her own. And when she got done sharing, I thought, man, I wonder what my life would be like if I prayed like that about the situations I encounter in my "work." What would happen in my home if I started my day like that? Driving home, I realized that I rarely even offer to pray for others, or even to pray for them privately later on. I failed to pray for someone's car problems today. I didn't ask God to cover my children. I haven't asked God to bless my home, my marriage, our finances. I don't pray for my parents or siblings or inlaws with any kind of regularity at all. I have failed to put my trust in God for helping my child in school. And I am stressing about all kinds of things for which God knows the answer.

So really, what do I do? Because even though I know in my head that I have that God to turn to, I'm not turning to Him.

Apparently, I need some work in this area of my reaction to, and preparation for, life.

Lord, I'm really missing the mark in how I deal with life. I eat, or scream, or walk away, when really I should be falling on my knees and searching for you. Forgive me for not even noticing. Help me to seek you first, to look to you for guidance for myself or others. I desperately ask for your wisdom in my life, in the decisions I make, and in the situations I affect. I ask for your gentle reminder that you are in all these situations, longing to show your glory, and to shower your blessings. Thanks for never giving up on me, even when I give up on myself. Thanks for placing people in my life who know just when to give a word of encouragement, a hug, or an hour of free babysitting. Help me to be a blessing to others, and encourager, a stand-in-the-gap-er. Because I want to be a giver, not a taker. A noticer, not wrapped up in my own world, oblivious. I want YOU to be my home base, that place I run to. And I want people to see that in me, and know they can run to you too.

Fruit

Matthew 12: 33 "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

I'm having a hard time reconciling this within myself today.

The overflow of my mouth, lately, does certainly not speak highly of my heart. It speaks more loudly of anger, frustration, bitterness, selfishness, lack of patience, and sometimes, plain old lack of love. At least, that's what it sounds like.

And yet, I try. Well, sometimes I try. I certainly don't want to sound that way, but... It sounds lame to say "I just can't help myself." I probably can, but I'm too tired, angry, selfish. Or maybe I can't. My efforts definitely seem to be in vain.

Does that mean I'm evil? That my heart is evil?

Boy, that would suck to find out that I'm evil, when all along I thought I was a nice, generally good hearted person. Sinner saved by grace? I certainly don't feel saved sometimes. More like a bad lemon. Who wants that? I certainly don't.

I feel like...

Screaming, bawling, hiding, crying, driving to a remote location, falling, sleeping, talking, venting, screaming, bawling.

Can I just say that post-pregnancy hormones really effin suck when you have no baby to soften the blow? I have not had issues with post partum depression or crazy raging hormones (well, not much. There was that one toilet plunging episode, but that's another story, which could probably be attributed more to sleep deprivation.) with any of my other pregnancies. I am an emotional person by nature anyway, and it was totally natural when I enjoyed the usual crying over the beauty a new life, or the over tired from being up all night thing. But this? This is a whole new level, of freakin' crazy uncontrollable bubbling over of emotion  and is, to put it lightly, a little overwhelming.

I don't spend a lot of time mourning over what was lost (except in church on Sunday when my two pregnant friends, who don't normally sit together or even on the same side of church, were sitting together with their husbands, and I thought, comically, "What? Is that the pregnant lady section?" But then it occurred to me that I should have been in "that" section, and wasn't. Then I felt a little sad. But normally I'm not.) but to have all these crazy hormones smacking me in the face, sometimes daily, just plain old SUCKS!

What the HELL, God? What is this? Torture Kelly Month? What great lesson is to be learned from this? What spiritually am I supposed to gain? CUZ I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. OK?

And the thing that sucks more, is that my husband has his own issues with emotions (in that he can't deal with them. yippee for me.) and so I feel like I can't talk to him about it. So who? Where am I supposed to go to just... express? This stupid ass laptop is not much of a consoler. (That's not a bash the husband comment, so please don't develop the opinion that he's an ass. I love him, but we all have our "issues.")

And even though this is MY blog, and my place of self expression, to get out what's inside, good and bad, I feel as though I should appologize to anyone who reads this that it's not all butterflies and buttercups. Cuz who wants to read about my pissyness. I don't.

Have a nice day.

unfailing love

Doing better. Last week sucked. To my one, beloved (and MALE!) follower, be happy you're not a woman. Hormones (especially any ones connected with pregnancy, pre, during or post) can totally suck! TMI? Sorry.

Granted, that's not all it was. I've still got some "stuff" going on in my head / heart. Working it out. Thankfully I'm not a total raging crazy woman or a ball or tears anymore. I hope. Anyway, I came upon this passage. Totally meant for me at that time. And still today.

So I'll share it here:



NIV

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure, clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Verse 13 stood out to me. Is there a future there? I guess God would always want us to use our story to minister to others who are hurting or wounded. Is my story dramatic? No. Will I be used? Surely. But that's humbling.

I'm addicted to blur

I just got my new camera lens. I LOVE IT!!!!! (I'm singing that.)

Even the UPS man was smiling from the joy I exuded.

I bought the Canon 50mm 1.8 II. Finally.

(Two different links on that lens. Get Canon's review, and an outsider review. Both honest and valuable.)

With my other lens, I was unable to get a low enough aperature (f-stop) or a short enough focal distance, to really get that blurry background. I love the depth that the 'depth of field' element adds to photos. Mystery, focus, romanticism. Whatever.

Love.

It.

Here's 2 pics to illustrate the difference between "the blur."

The first one is 28-80 (UV filter). The second is with the 50mm (FD filter).

Notice the blur in the door. So much more with the 50mm. (I think the filter has something to do with why the 2nd one is darker. Has a dark tint to it. Maybe that doesn't matter. I'm a beginner, and so I haven't really checked into filters and all they do.)

Here's some other shots I took with (someone else's) 50mm (when I was trying it out).

In case ya'll didn't know, I love photography. I just need more time. There sooo much to learn in this digital world.

Unknown

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cried seemingly for no reason? Where you feel tired, and incapable, wrong and wrung? I feel depleted. A failure at many things; successful at no things. Guilty about I don't know what.

No, it's not PMS.

It's being tired. It's the end of the summer. It's needing a massage. It's busy-ness, it's pain. It's needing a break but wanting to stay at home. It's loving my children but wishing the would be quiet and leave me alone for ten hundred effin stinkin' minutes. It's needing a date night and the full lavished attention of my husband.

Maybe that's not what it is. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I don't know what it is. Maybe it's "birthing" something spiritually. Maybe it's mourning. (Can you have PPD when you were only prego 8 weeks?) Maybe it's too many cupcakes and not enough carrots. Maybe I need a year's vacation. I'd settle for a nap.

I'm a crier anyway. Something my husband has a hard time with - emotion. (Boy, did God plan to change something in him by fixing us up together.) So me crying isn't exactly novel. But when a day or two is like this, I guess I wonder what's up.

I made up this saying about how when you clean house, you use a lot of water. So when I'm crying, it's just God cleaning house.

Whatever. It justifies the waterworks. I've learned to be not so self conscious about it. I have no control anyway.

Is this a dumb post?

Any why is it that when someone asks "how are you doing" it's overwhelming? The surge of emotions is overwhelming. Thank you for asking. "you know what I'm talking about."

Am I being too transparent here? Too moody? Too real? Too boring?

Maybe this is like one of those things you shouldn't do, like drunk dialing. No blogging when emotional.

steady winds of change

This past winter / spring, I was so pumped. Pumped for God, full of expectation, full of prayer. God was daily / hourly / constantly pulling me into prayer, as a warrior for others, but it was so building to me. Why is it encouraging to feel called to pray for others? Because it's GOD calling, and so humbling that he chose me! of all people.

Usually, it seems, the closeness you feel to God comes in waves, as do the storms of life. The storm comes, you pull closer, depend on Him more, He is who He is, and you feel His arms wrap you tighter, feel His presence more. I haven't really been having any storms, just the normal craziness of raising 4+ children, being a good, respectful and godly wife, and being the caretaker of our home. I guess God saw fit that that was enough. I'm good with that. :D But we always know that life doesn't stay that way.

Spiritually, I'm not on a high, pumped up plane anymore. It kind of waned. Not that I'm experiencing a low, either; it's much more steady. I definitely feel God with me, still calling me, speaking to me, loving me. Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Mt 28:20 Maybe all that passion / energy was for the preparation of a Women's Retreat that I was coordinating. Or maybe it was just all the prayer needs that were out there. (But do those ever change? There's always someone that needs prayer, right?)

This summer has been busy. Very busy. And tiring. But in a good way. It has been filled with fun, and family, and blessings. In addition to some great time spent with my step-daughter, birthdays, vacations and family get-togethers, we also found out that I'm pregnant, despite the 99.9% effectiveness of my chosen method of prevention. When God has a will, He makes a way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed at this prospect, we have been excited, happy, and have begun to think about this new future.

After a recent weekend away, I came home and began getting updated on all the blogs I follow. While on Facebook, I saw a friend's status that mentioned one of my favorite blogs. "Pray for Stellan," she said. My heart began racing and I immediately went to MckMama's page to catch up on all the scary details: her baby was again on death's doorstep battling a stubborn heart condition. It's a bit strange to become so emotionally attached to people you don't know IRL (in real life). (Though I know I'm not the only one, cuz this lady's got a bazillion followers.) So my heart sank, and my eyes leaked, and I prayed for the umpteenth time for this family, and this blessed little boys very life, that it would be spared.

And I thought about my new baby, the one still forming. I thought about Abraham, sacrificing his son Isaac on the altar, to show his love for God. (Ok, yes this is morbid thought. I apologize, but sometimes that happens to me. What can I say, I'm weird.) And I thought about the "what if" of God calling me to sacrifice what was most precious to me, to lay it on the altar for Him. With every part of my being, I wish for Stellan's life to be spared. He has survived so much, touched so many. There is purpose in his life, regardless of his tender age of nine months. And I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. My mother's heart aches for her.

So I'm thinking about "what if's." What if God asked me to offer up my fetus to save the life of another? Would I be willing to sacrifice that? Would I be able? Am I brave enough? Strong enough? With great sacrifice comes great blessing and growth. And also great suffering. Do I want to suffer so greatly to recieve such blessing? I'm torn with "wanting" that kind of "blessing." Maybe I could just be satisfied with mediocre blessings. Or not.

But today a doctor told me I was likely going to miscarry.

Hmm...

So, that's sad. (I don't say that nonchalantly.) I am sad. Was sad. Maybe I'll be sad again later. Right at this moment, I'm hopeful. I can't help it. It's in my makeup.

I believe it was God's will I got pregnant. I believe He has my best interest at heart. I believe whatever happens, it's in His hands. And it's not over til it's over. Doctors can be wrong. And even if they aren't, I believe in a living God that still does miracles. So why despair?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27

So I leave it in His hands. But with a little plea: Please Lord, spare my child. thankyouverymuchamen.

ps. Apologies in advance if this was a little scattered or random. This was a compilation of several post ideas and thoughts I have had brewing for a while. And then there's the 4 little distractions running around, helping my coherency. So please pardon my unorganized or ill-expressed thoughts.

Oh, and this song popped into my head. These lyrics especially. (This is THE ONLY clip I could find for this song, so nevermind the video, not that it's bad, but I was just wanting the song. And I'm too lazy/tired to figure out how to put in a little song player thingy. Though I did try.)

Watermark - All Things New
I was created to love You
I was created to need You
I was created to know You
And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me
And You are the air that I'm breathin'

CHORUS:
Because of who You are and who I am in you
You make all things pure
Because of who You are and who I am in You
You make all things true
You make all things new

That last line... just keeps repeating over and over again in my head. Whatever that means.

cringe

I took my "before" pics today (self timer and tripod. couldn't catch the hubby when he was home). Lord. Have. Mercy.

Why did no one tell me.

I did not realize. I now see how lacking a full length mirror has been bad.

I called and apologized to my husband. He told me I was weird, and that of coarse he is attracted to me. Lucky him. Uh. Yeah.

And then later, I was talking to a group of women. One of them didn't get it. Why would you do that, she asked. Uh, apparently you have never had the need to go on a major diet, and wanted proof for later of your changes. Skinny ppl. Are they all so clueless? Kidding. Just bitter. :D Not really. Ok. Well, kinda. Anyway.

Just to be clear, I will not be posting those any time soon. Uffda.

Ok. That was all I wanted to say.

God must really be on my side.

Day 3 of South Beach Diet. So far so good. I'm actually very surprised at how well it's going.

The first time I did SB was spring of 2004(?). Man, that seems like eons ago. Well, 3 kids ago, to be precise. I was only on it for about 6 weeks, and lost about 15-20 lbs. but felt great. When I got pregnant, I could no longer stomach many vegetables, and just the thought of salad dressing of any kind made me wanna hurl. So that ended that. (Hmm.. maybe it was 2006. Either way, now I have 4 kids. And now I will have no more, thankyouverymuch.)

I love being pregnant, but it has been hard on my body. I have been hard on my body. I have ignored and abused it. I have not made the best decisions for me. I had problems with Gestational Diabetes, and pubic bone pain, and lower back pain. I usually did good in the weight gain area, having left the hospital weighing less than I started. But the last time, not so much. And the stress of breastfeeding problems, baby problems, and then the whole having-4-kids-under-5 things, contributed to some poor eating habits. Boredom, lonliness and stress.

I had been thinking for a few months that I needed to write down some goals. New years resolutions, if you will. But for all my time whiled away on the computer, I just never got around to it. One day, during a lovely and days-long marital spat, I had stopped at the store, bought some donuts, and proceeded to eat the entire 6-pack myself, bawling my freakin' eyes out. And I thought, this is pathetic. Isn't this what really fat ppl do?

GASP!

Self realization: This is not good.

Not long after that I wrote out my goals. And #1 is lose weight. But I knew I had to be specific, had to have a plan. So I set a date. I had to set a date. I was planning a church women's retreat, and after that I would do it. June 1st.

Deep breath.

When I did South Beach last time, it was r e a l l y hard for me. My cravings were out. of. this. world. And they didn't end after 2-3 days, they lasted almost the entire 2 weeks of Phase 1. That sucked. Then there was the rather "good" case of Gest diabetes I got with preg #3 which made me unable to eat any of the things a pregnant woman craves. Pure torture. And when I was on it the last time, all I thought about and did was related to food, like an obsession out of necessity. Thinking about what I could / could not eat, what I was going to make. Then there was the pure quantity of what I ate to feed my cravings. My grocery bill increased by $250 for every two weeks. That's a lot of lettuce, folks. Consequently, I was filled with fear in starting anew. Huge, crippling fear. (well, at least for me. I'm not a person who is usually fearful). How am I going to be able to handle the cravings? How am I going to be able to spend so much time with all the food prep? Never mind the cost, or the fact that I would have to be making 2 meals, one for me/hubby, one for the kids. Never mind the fact that it seemed like one. more. thing. for this overwhelmed, over tired, overly lonely mother of 4 small children. I didn't know if I could do it.

I spent many days crying over it, asking "my girls" from Women's Group to pray for me, for strength, for desire, for courage, for it to be easy (haha, I just "knew" that wouldn't be the case).

At our women's retreat, I had a lot of anxiety about the looming date. It caused me to cry suddenly, and often. In the final worship time, I layed it out there, "God, you really just need to be there, and meet me when I can't." Just as I finished praying that, the next song started.

In my weakness, would you come
Help me stand up, help me run
To the shadow of your wings
And the comfort that it brings

And I'll wait wait, and be still
And I'll know you are God, you are God

I will love you, and adore you
I will trust you, God
I will sing in times of trouble
I will trust you, God

(I will trust you, by Chris Lisotte).

To me, it felt like that was God, saying, "I heard you. I will be there." (whispered) Thank you.

So June 1 came. I only felt one craving the whole day, and it was managed. Day 2, walking into Wally World, with all of the donut and smores displays, just about killed me. I walked fast. Today, I've been tempted by banana bread, but that's because it was sitting out. So I put it away. As for amounts, normal. No inhaling of an entire head of romaine lettuce in one sitting. (Ok that was a little exagerated. But not much. Seriously.)

I have remembered, throughout each day, to thank God for helping me, for answering my prayers, and asking him to continue to meet me when I cannot. I think it's working.

So someone must really be praying for me, or God must really be on my side or want me skinny. Halleluja it's going this well.

Day One.

So today is day one of blog two. haha. I have thought about starting a blog to write about all the other stuff in my life. So this is that place, I guess. This is also the first day of me making more permanent changes in my life regarding my health and vitality. (Translation: I'm going on a diet. Or more, changing the way I eat in a more permanent fashion.) Spiritually, this has been a huge battle for me. The last time I did this was hard, but successful, but also landed me pregnant, something I definitely don't want now. For heaven's sake NO! Not that I'm worried about getting pregnant. I pretty much have that prob under wraps (no pun insinuated). But the physical challenges this change brings have scared me to death. Why? I don't really know. I guess that's satan's way of keeping our focus off God. It worked for a good long while. Now I'm not taking it any more.

I think that my friends must have been praying for me a lot today, or all the carbs I ate yesterday are so stored up and my body's still feeding off them, as I have not had too bad of a day. Cravings didn't start til mid evening, and then were pretty mild. I ate well, and didn't even feel the need to inhale everything in sight, unlike the last time I did this I think I ate about 4 days worth of veggies in one day. Man that was nuts. I just pray that the Lord meets me in those times of need, provides a way out, and helps me fill the empty wells with Him and Him alone.

And now, good night, as it is way past my bedtime and I am getting hungry.