Fruit and Wisdom

Sometimes it's hard not to give satan "airtime." You know, when we waste our thought life on things that we shouldn't. When we have "stinkin' thinkin'."

But when you have interpersonal exchanges of the unsavory sort, it sort of gets your world, (and your heart and mind and emotions) all riled up.

The sermon series my pastor is doing right now is on James.

It's good. Very good.

Last week it was on James 1 and Persevering in Difficult Times.

As I sat there, I could have sworn that my pastor was looking at me like he was "reading my mail." I was seething in anger regarding said "unsavory interpersonal exchange" and much of the message was basically telling me how to proceed. I took note, though I basically "knew it all", but in hindsight (it's always 20/20, isn't it?) it was so much more on target than I realized. An unheeded warning. sigh. 

To say I failed in my subsequent interpersonal exchanges would be fairly accurate. I tried. I honestly tried, except that "I" tried, and forgot to give it to God and let Him deal with the whole stinkin' mess. I just simply didn't really seek Him earnestly.

James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 

Romans 5: 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Basically, this all says that troubles, which God never promises to keep us from, are for our Chraracter Development. Can I hear a big rousing "yay"? Uh, no? Yeah, I thought so. lol But as it says in James, "he should ask God" what the lesson is, how he wants us to grow in the face of that trial.

It is apparent

that I have a lot yet to learn.

I struggle with anger. I know this. I just. don't. know. what. to DO. with it. I don't know where it comes from, how to get over it or through it or around it or avoid it or lay it down, hand it over. How do you really do that? I thought I knew, but this, this really challenges me. I don't. know. how.

When faced with conflict, I'm more than willing to jump in, deal with it, so we can wrap things up nicely and all move on. I don't like sitting on things. The whole 'don't let the sun go down on your anger' thing. Works for me.

But not in this last situation.

I, uncharacteristically, needed time. Time to cool. Considering the volatile nature of both the situation and the personalities of the individuals involved (me being one of them), I knew that no good would come with my normal way. Nope, I decided to let it sit. To calm myself. Because I didn't trust myself to speak kindly. To remain calm. To resist the devil.

Unfortunately, the devil did not resist me. He poked poked poked until I threw my hands in the air, said "Fine, have it your way," and resigned to the fact that, try as I might to reign in my emotions and verbal spewage, there was bound to be some carnage. I didn't want that, but I didn't know how to avoid it.

sigh again.

So imagine my surprise when the next sermon, about Discovering Wisdom, was just up my alley too. After a week of getting beaten down by my friend satan, I was tired, sad, betrayed, mourning, weak, shameful. I listened to the list of all the things I wanted to be, tried to be, and was not. Failure. I fell under the power of the enemy. 

James 3: 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

I was reminded that in order to receive "true wisdom" from God, that I needed to ask. And that in asking comes that fruit from heaven, that fruit of the spirit.

I love the Fruit of the Spirit verses. 

Galations 5: 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. 

In things my pastor said, things I thought about later, and that last bit of verse (James 3:18) is that it's not the fruit of  your name here;  it's the fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grown by the Spirit, not me. And fruit is gotten how? By planting, and tending, watering, feeding, nurturing, pruning and plucking. The harvest comes after much work and care.

*sigh of relief*

See, we can try as we might to conjure up peace or patience or self-control, but our "harvest" will be lacking. It's through the Spirit growing in me that cultivates those Godly characteristics. 

So... if I want that... I have to... seek Him.

Takes so much weight off my shoulders. That sense of failure becomes my lesson. God didn't really expect me to do it all on my own. He wants me to lean on him.

Thus saith the lord.

giggle.

Backwards

I had a semi-intense discussion with my husband about tithing over the weekend.

When I think about tithing, I sort of doing it in order to receive his blessings. Like an insurance payment that he'll take care of us, prevent bad stuff from happening, make things go smoother.

Yes, I realize that's wrong thinking. (I did say "sort of" so I also know and do it for right reasons, too.)

This week has certainly not added up to great; my insurance payment idea didn't work.

A friend went psycho on me, producing a rise of anger in me, which then overflows to areas it should NOT. My kids have gotten sick, thus preventing me from seeing a friend from out-of-town. My kid kinda lost his new shoes. There was a major snafoo in the checkbook. (Fortunately, I didn't pay the water bill - check's still in my pocket - so I don't think we'll bounce, but I can't find an important receipt to actually know for sure, and the charge hasn't come through yet. :P ) And I slammed my ankle with the car door Tuesday, and it still hurts.

Oh, and my dad found out he has some sort of crazy disease (to add to the list of all the other ailments and diseases he already has) which will make a very much needed surgery much much more challenging, if it can be done at all. It's really hard to watch your parent/s suffer.

There's more, but I'm tired of thinking about it.

Today has not been a good day so far, and it has me wondering, thinking. Thinking about my wrong thinking. Wondering how much more can I take? How much more is there? When will my help come?

It's hard to be thankful sometimes. Today is one of those days when I have to be thankful for the basics, like health and breath and my family that makes me whack-o.

Oh, hey. I know.... Dillon hasn't crapped his pants in 2 days. That's good.