caaaallllllling... caaaalllllling... I feel it caaallliiinngggg.
You know that feeling you get when you're supposed to do something but you don't want to so you try to avoid it. Like an apology for snapping at your neighbor/friend/child/spouse. Cleaning out that closet that you haven't been able to step into for months, anticipating it's gonna be a pain. Going on a diet 'cause your pants no longer fit. It's a quiet, nagging sense.
Yeah. I have one of those callings.
I acknowledged the call for Deeper. I tried in my simple way to go there. It didn't work. And I was frustrated. Partly because it was my fault, my lack of dedication or intention that didn't bring me there. So I abandoned the whole deal. Capooey. Who needs it.
But I still feel... yucky. Not whole. Out there.
I still want to go deeper. I feel called to go deeper. That hasn't left me is so many months.
I know what part of the problem is.
But I don't want to address it.
It's hard and challenging and... uh, so. not. fun.
The problem with being a detail person and a big picture person is that I can see all the steps, and hurdles, the pain and hard work, it's going to take to get there. SABOTAGE!
I self sabotage waaaaaaaay too often.
My "hurdle" or distraction (aka Sin, cuz that's a fun word, right?) is the amount of time and focus I give to online stuff. It prevents me from addressing what's really bugging me, from really dealing with what's bugging me, from being present with my family, my life, my house, my faith. From being responsible for the things I'm responsible for. I ignore my children, my house, my God... because I'm facebooking or reading blogs.
I don't want to teach my children to live this way. I don't want them to be this way... focused on everything but what's really important. I don't want them to think that face-to-face interaction is just as easily gotten online or thru texting. It's not the same. It's soooo not the same. You can't replace people and faces and body language and tone and energy with click click click and get the same out of it.
Thing is, I like the interaction I have online, and for some, it's easier to deal with me that way because they don't hear all the background noise of 5 noisy monkeys milling about, asking a thousand questions, fighting or getting in trouble. They just get me, and as far as they know, it's undivided attention. But my children know that the attention they're getting, is divided, if they're getting it at all.
sigh.
SIGH.
And then there's fear. Where the hell is all this fear coming from?
I know that God will be on the other side of this, but there's a real fear of loneliness, and a certain fear that He won't be there. That just I will be there, alone and lonely. I'm here lonely, all day, most days. I don't need more lonely time. Alone time, yes. Lonely, no. So fear...
Today, I got just fed up enough with how out of sorts my life is. How overwhelming life can be (hello? anyone else have a 3 year old, nevermind his REgression in potty training, grrr), how out of balance I feel, how exasperated I get. So TODAY I quit making excuses, quit delaying the inevitable, quit trying to figure out what the rules should be. I'll make it up as I go. I don't know exactly what this'll look like, and I don't know how long I'll do it.
But.. I'm gonna do it.
