Decrispify Part one.

I've been having a rough go of things for quite some time now. I'm actually starting to wonder if it is that whole "getting older / hormonal shift" thing. Or if that is at least part of it. Overtired mom of five is also probably part of it. Life is probably part of it.

I'm very emotional and not dealing with it (my emotions) well.

This too shall pass. Of that I'm sure. It's just a matter of riding it out.

This winter I participated in a sort of bible study that is essentially peer counseling. It's tough. It digs deep. You have to devote time. You have to be willing. You have to be prepared.

I was. And I wasn't.

I think, mostly, I just. got. stuck. Skipped over some crucial part of the process, and I need to back up a bit. I did great at digging stuff up, not so great at actually dealing with and finding healing and closure. So that left me with all my piles of personal baggage crap all dumped around me, stinkin' up the place, saying, "ok God, now what?" And so, I was unable to complete it. My mind and heart were just not going there any more.. They were not willing. I was crispy fried. Crispy. Fried.

So since the end of April, I've been trying to decompress, de-crispify, if you will. It's a slow process. Painstakingly slow.

On one of my particularly shameful days, I ended up talking to a friend who listened, spoke truth, and encouraged me to TAKE THAT TIME, MAKE THE TIME for me. Because I need it. I'm worth it. 

I have thought a lot about it, about taking time for me and what that looks like. There are so many great books that people recommend, or I could read my bible, I could do this or that or 10 million other things. But mostly, I need rest. That's what I've come down to. I need to not do, to not have an agenda or a list of things I need to accomplish. I simply need a time where I don't "accomplish" anything. For some reason I really had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that that was ok, because as moms/humans I think we're so programmed to go go go and do do do. I have no go and no do left in me. 

And I feel guilty about that. Because that means I've failed somehow. Or that's how it feels.

But.... I've never been one to do things other people's way so here I am, forging my own path. Or rather, being led on a different path. A path of rest. For now.