De-crispify Part two

Rest. Why is that so hard? Why do I feel so guilty?

That fear that I'm not living up to expectations, that resting is bad. But the damned truth is, I'm not living up to expectations, mine or anyone else's, and I'm not accomplishing anything. I have no drive, no get up and go, no gumption. And I'm KNEE DEEP in numb-outs.

Problem is... they're NOT helping.

So, I took some time. I actually laid on my bed while the kids were out playing or whatever (gasp!) (Not the baby, he was napping.) and I laid on my bed. Doing nothing. Not even sleeping. Weird, huh? While my mind wasn't blank, neither was it racing. I wasn't feeling guilty. I was just resting. And... I did this... twice... in one week!

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Sometimes I get an idea in my head of how things should go and I have a hard time diverging from that path. Anything else is just "not gonna work" or there's disappointment for things not going "as I planned."  I see the big picture and have a really hard time breaking it down into bite sized chunks.  This is defeating.  This makes things overwhelming.  This leads to discouragement and feelings of failure.  So naturally, with this train of thought, nothing less than a 2 week Hawaiian vacation sans kids/husband optional was going to cure my life's woes.  No, really, that's what I thought.  That's about as unrealistic as you could get in my world so am I doomed to always be like this?  That's what has been running through my fat head.  I know.  I'm so positive.

During my conversation with my friend after church one Sunday, the thought started to form that I just need to take time for myself and God, regularly, even if it is only a few hours.  Because Hawaiian vacations are nice (so I've heard)  but they don't really help your day-to-day.  God will meet me somewhere, wherever, but I needed to find rest.  So that I am able to hear him.  Then I can find Him.  And rest in Him. The final convincing element for me believing small breaks would help was actually getting some small chunks of time to myself.  Having a few hours away with less demands (read: 1 kid vs 5).  Two one-hour "naps".  A kid at 'Camp Grandpa'.  VBS.  And one completely kid-less morning.  And I was starting to feel the cloud lifting.

I booked a sitter for the following Tuesday.  Because a few hours away - with NO AGENDA - by myself (and that's sorta the tricky part, because my inclination is to call someone, but no) will help.  There will be "something" accomplished with my "nothing."

And then God started showing up.