Changing

I have never felt that God has left me. He still speaks, and I hear, but I also often forget. Sometimes I'm left with impressions, but they don't stick, usually. Nothing changes in me. It's frustrating.

But then...

God has begun changing my "idea" of how I can get rest. I felt Him changing my thoughts, changing what I thought possible, and planting seeds of "well maybe it could happen." I actually, consciously, felt my mind changing while I was sitting in my car, crying on my friend's shoulder. 

That's how I allowed myself to lay on my bed. To rest. To do nothing. It's how I've realized that the Hawaiian vacation isn't the cure to what ails me. It's how I've found hope in getting out of this mess. He's renewing my mind. This is a very, very good thing. I so desperately want to be changed by Him.

Most "coincidentally" (because God can be so coincidental sometimes") another friend had me on her mind during her morning prayer time, and called me to let me know that and to check in to see what was up. More truth spoken, more encouraging words, and a prayer for provision for me to get this rest that I need, specifically that someone would offer to watch my kids.

I am very thankful to be surrounded by such good people. People I GLADLY call my friends.

********************************

My church had been going through this book (A Good and Beautiful God) and the sermons were based on it. I have not read the book (because it was just one. more. thing. on a to-do list, frankly.) or participate in the small group meetings, but the sermons have cut straight to my heart. Yowza! They all spoke right to me. There was something in each one that left me a soggy, blubbering, tear-stained mess. That's also a good thing. Well, after my first week of "embracing rest," any guesses as to what the sermon was about??? Hm...??? Yeah. About resting, and specifically resting in Him. It was entitled "Eliminating Hurry from your Life." (6/10/12) 

Here are some of my sermon notes. 

• The story of Mary and Martha was brought up, how Martha "distracted" herself, with important things but not the most important thing, but that Mary chose the better thing by resting at Jesus' feet. We have a lot of choices of how to "best spend our time" and while all of them may be good / productive / beneficial, we need to evaluate what is BEST.
• God's work begins with rest. 
• The idea of Velocity Made Good, (a sailing term) of making note of what the Spirit is doing and riding the spirit waves, so to speak, that lead us to time spent with God
• "In slowing down, we can hear the Spirit whisper that we are loved."

I'll say that last one again, because I need to hear it.

"In slowing down, we can hear the Spirit whisper that we are loved."

I need to hear that I'm loved. That I'm good and worthy. But how can I hear it amongst laundry and dishes and phone calls and tv noise, sibling rivalry, marital discord, toddler tantrums and a mischievous preschooler? I just see all that I don't do, all that I fail (miserably) at, I find disappointment in my spouse's voice, in my child's eyes, and in the mess around me. None of that measures up in my eyes to good and worthy and loved. But I need to hear it anyway. And in order to hear it, I have to make space and time for Him to speak it, for me to listen and to hear it.

I have to find out what God is speaking to me right now that is best for me.

Date Night with myself. It's where the Spirit is blowing me.