The saga continues - part four

Of one thing I am absolutely sure:  I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  While it's not a comfortable place, it's a good feeling.  A weird sort of confidence, of sorts.  I love my church, the pastors, the people, the teaching.  The sermons were/are proof positive that it's the right place for me.

While I may feel despair at times, I know not all hope is lost.  It's in God's hands.  I am discouraged and encouraged.  There are lots of up and downs in my world, but I know God's with me every step of the way, and he's SPEAKIN'!

Just get on with the story already, right?

So I listened to the sermon on rest, knowing it's a message for me.  (Did I mention I bawled like a fool?  And that each sermon has had these killer testimonials from someone in our body?  It's so excellent.)  I know I'm supposed to rest, and I'm making efforts to do so.  I've scheduled the babysitter.  

After church, someone comes up to me and hands me a card.  I don't open it immediately as I was in group conversation, but later I open the envelope to find a note explaining that they wanted to offer to watch my kids weekly this summer but schedule conflicts made it not possible so instead here's some cash for a sitter. And I don't mean $20 bucks.  I mean, enough for a good portion of the summer's Date Nights with myself.

Are you getting goose bumps yet?  I think a prayer was just answered.

There is now NO REASON why I can cancel out on myself (except illness but I'm thinking more of financial reasons.)  No bicycles to buy, vacations to fund, swimming lessons to pay for.  It's earmarked money.  In a way, I'm obligated.  The gift was intended for a specific purpose.  This is the provision my friend prayed for.  I'm floored.  And grateful.  And humbled.  And awed. God is good.

But that's not the end of the story. Praise God!

Changing

I have never felt that God has left me. He still speaks, and I hear, but I also often forget. Sometimes I'm left with impressions, but they don't stick, usually. Nothing changes in me. It's frustrating.

But then...

God has begun changing my "idea" of how I can get rest. I felt Him changing my thoughts, changing what I thought possible, and planting seeds of "well maybe it could happen." I actually, consciously, felt my mind changing while I was sitting in my car, crying on my friend's shoulder. 

That's how I allowed myself to lay on my bed. To rest. To do nothing. It's how I've realized that the Hawaiian vacation isn't the cure to what ails me. It's how I've found hope in getting out of this mess. He's renewing my mind. This is a very, very good thing. I so desperately want to be changed by Him.

Most "coincidentally" (because God can be so coincidental sometimes") another friend had me on her mind during her morning prayer time, and called me to let me know that and to check in to see what was up. More truth spoken, more encouraging words, and a prayer for provision for me to get this rest that I need, specifically that someone would offer to watch my kids.

I am very thankful to be surrounded by such good people. People I GLADLY call my friends.

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My church had been going through this book (A Good and Beautiful God) and the sermons were based on it. I have not read the book (because it was just one. more. thing. on a to-do list, frankly.) or participate in the small group meetings, but the sermons have cut straight to my heart. Yowza! They all spoke right to me. There was something in each one that left me a soggy, blubbering, tear-stained mess. That's also a good thing. Well, after my first week of "embracing rest," any guesses as to what the sermon was about??? Hm...??? Yeah. About resting, and specifically resting in Him. It was entitled "Eliminating Hurry from your Life." (6/10/12) 

Here are some of my sermon notes. 

• The story of Mary and Martha was brought up, how Martha "distracted" herself, with important things but not the most important thing, but that Mary chose the better thing by resting at Jesus' feet. We have a lot of choices of how to "best spend our time" and while all of them may be good / productive / beneficial, we need to evaluate what is BEST.
• God's work begins with rest. 
• The idea of Velocity Made Good, (a sailing term) of making note of what the Spirit is doing and riding the spirit waves, so to speak, that lead us to time spent with God
• "In slowing down, we can hear the Spirit whisper that we are loved."

I'll say that last one again, because I need to hear it.

"In slowing down, we can hear the Spirit whisper that we are loved."

I need to hear that I'm loved. That I'm good and worthy. But how can I hear it amongst laundry and dishes and phone calls and tv noise, sibling rivalry, marital discord, toddler tantrums and a mischievous preschooler? I just see all that I don't do, all that I fail (miserably) at, I find disappointment in my spouse's voice, in my child's eyes, and in the mess around me. None of that measures up in my eyes to good and worthy and loved. But I need to hear it anyway. And in order to hear it, I have to make space and time for Him to speak it, for me to listen and to hear it.

I have to find out what God is speaking to me right now that is best for me.

Date Night with myself. It's where the Spirit is blowing me.

De-crispify Part two

Rest. Why is that so hard? Why do I feel so guilty?

That fear that I'm not living up to expectations, that resting is bad. But the damned truth is, I'm not living up to expectations, mine or anyone else's, and I'm not accomplishing anything. I have no drive, no get up and go, no gumption. And I'm KNEE DEEP in numb-outs.

Problem is... they're NOT helping.

So, I took some time. I actually laid on my bed while the kids were out playing or whatever (gasp!) (Not the baby, he was napping.) and I laid on my bed. Doing nothing. Not even sleeping. Weird, huh? While my mind wasn't blank, neither was it racing. I wasn't feeling guilty. I was just resting. And... I did this... twice... in one week!

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Sometimes I get an idea in my head of how things should go and I have a hard time diverging from that path. Anything else is just "not gonna work" or there's disappointment for things not going "as I planned."  I see the big picture and have a really hard time breaking it down into bite sized chunks.  This is defeating.  This makes things overwhelming.  This leads to discouragement and feelings of failure.  So naturally, with this train of thought, nothing less than a 2 week Hawaiian vacation sans kids/husband optional was going to cure my life's woes.  No, really, that's what I thought.  That's about as unrealistic as you could get in my world so am I doomed to always be like this?  That's what has been running through my fat head.  I know.  I'm so positive.

During my conversation with my friend after church one Sunday, the thought started to form that I just need to take time for myself and God, regularly, even if it is only a few hours.  Because Hawaiian vacations are nice (so I've heard)  but they don't really help your day-to-day.  God will meet me somewhere, wherever, but I needed to find rest.  So that I am able to hear him.  Then I can find Him.  And rest in Him. The final convincing element for me believing small breaks would help was actually getting some small chunks of time to myself.  Having a few hours away with less demands (read: 1 kid vs 5).  Two one-hour "naps".  A kid at 'Camp Grandpa'.  VBS.  And one completely kid-less morning.  And I was starting to feel the cloud lifting.

I booked a sitter for the following Tuesday.  Because a few hours away - with NO AGENDA - by myself (and that's sorta the tricky part, because my inclination is to call someone, but no) will help.  There will be "something" accomplished with my "nothing."

And then God started showing up.

Decrispify Part one.

I've been having a rough go of things for quite some time now. I'm actually starting to wonder if it is that whole "getting older / hormonal shift" thing. Or if that is at least part of it. Overtired mom of five is also probably part of it. Life is probably part of it.

I'm very emotional and not dealing with it (my emotions) well.

This too shall pass. Of that I'm sure. It's just a matter of riding it out.

This winter I participated in a sort of bible study that is essentially peer counseling. It's tough. It digs deep. You have to devote time. You have to be willing. You have to be prepared.

I was. And I wasn't.

I think, mostly, I just. got. stuck. Skipped over some crucial part of the process, and I need to back up a bit. I did great at digging stuff up, not so great at actually dealing with and finding healing and closure. So that left me with all my piles of personal baggage crap all dumped around me, stinkin' up the place, saying, "ok God, now what?" And so, I was unable to complete it. My mind and heart were just not going there any more.. They were not willing. I was crispy fried. Crispy. Fried.

So since the end of April, I've been trying to decompress, de-crispify, if you will. It's a slow process. Painstakingly slow.

On one of my particularly shameful days, I ended up talking to a friend who listened, spoke truth, and encouraged me to TAKE THAT TIME, MAKE THE TIME for me. Because I need it. I'm worth it. 

I have thought a lot about it, about taking time for me and what that looks like. There are so many great books that people recommend, or I could read my bible, I could do this or that or 10 million other things. But mostly, I need rest. That's what I've come down to. I need to not do, to not have an agenda or a list of things I need to accomplish. I simply need a time where I don't "accomplish" anything. For some reason I really had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that that was ok, because as moms/humans I think we're so programmed to go go go and do do do. I have no go and no do left in me. 

And I feel guilty about that. Because that means I've failed somehow. Or that's how it feels.

But.... I've never been one to do things other people's way so here I am, forging my own path. Or rather, being led on a different path. A path of rest. For now.