Challenge

caaaallllllling... caaaalllllling... I feel it caaallliiinngggg.

You know that feeling you get when you're supposed to do something but you don't want to so you try to avoid it. Like an apology for snapping at your neighbor/friend/child/spouse. Cleaning out that closet that you haven't been able to step into for months, anticipating it's gonna be a pain. Going on a diet 'cause your pants no longer fit. It's a quiet, nagging sense.

Yeah. I have one of those callings.

I acknowledged the call for Deeper. I tried in my simple way to go there. It didn't work. And I was frustrated. Partly because it was my fault, my lack of dedication or intention that didn't bring me there. So I abandoned the whole deal. Capooey. Who needs it.

But I still feel... yucky. Not whole. Out there.

I still want to go deeper. I feel called to go deeper. That hasn't left me is so many months.

I know what part of the problem is.

But I don't want to address it.

It's hard and challenging and... uh, so. not. fun.

The problem with being a detail person and a big picture person is that I can see all the steps, and hurdles, the pain and hard work, it's going to take to get there. SABOTAGE!

I self sabotage waaaaaaaay too often.

My "hurdle" or distraction (aka Sin, cuz that's a fun word, right?) is the amount of time and focus I give to online stuff. It prevents me from addressing what's really bugging me, from really dealing with what's bugging me, from being present with my family, my life, my house, my faith. From being responsible for the things I'm responsible for. I ignore my children, my house, my God... because I'm facebooking or reading blogs.

I don't want to teach my children to live this way. I don't want them to be this way... focused on everything but what's really important. I don't want them to think that face-to-face interaction is just as easily gotten online or thru texting. It's not the same. It's soooo not the same. You can't replace people and faces and body language and tone and energy with click click click and get the same out of it.

Thing is, I like the interaction I have online, and for some, it's easier to deal with me that way because they don't hear all the background noise of 5 noisy monkeys milling about, asking a thousand questions, fighting or getting in trouble. They just get me, and as far as they know, it's undivided attention. But my children know that the attention they're getting, is divided, if they're getting it at all.

sigh.

SIGH.

And then there's fear. Where the hell is all this fear coming from?

I know that God will be on the other side of this, but there's a real fear of loneliness, and a certain fear that He won't be there. That just I will be there, alone and lonely. I'm here lonely, all day, most days. I don't need more lonely time. Alone time, yes. Lonely, no. So fear...

Today, I got just fed up enough with how out of sorts my life is. How overwhelming life can be (hello? anyone else have a 3 year old, nevermind his REgression in potty training, grrr), how out of balance I feel, how exasperated I get. So TODAY I quit making excuses, quit delaying the inevitable, quit trying to figure out what the rules should be. I'll make it up as I go. I don't know exactly what this'll look like, and I don't know how long I'll do it. 

But.. I'm gonna do it.

Feelings

I wrote about fear in the midst of my processing of it. I wasn't even done with the post and then later returned to finish, but I had finished my dealings, my feelings.

I recently told a friend that I don't have time to deal with those places I'd just rather not go. Its too messy and time consuming and I'm busy taking care of other people who don't understand my need for taking a break. So going there is hard, and I fight it. But after I wrote the bulk of the post, I talked to the hubs and told him how I was feeling. (Mostly because he wanted to know why I was crying, because seriously, talking about consolidating credit cards should not normally induce crying. It was a civil, unheated discussion.) And once it was out there, that stupid silly fear lost it's power, and met the light of day, was no longer a secret, even to me. It became so small and ridiculous, it floated away, and now I feel lighter. Strangely.

Later, as I was perusing blogs, Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small Things had written this:

While I naturally search for a button to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. 

So to whatever that weird emotional episode was this afternoon, I'm glad to have experienced it, to have dealt with it, to have freed it. And I'll be happy to wait a while for the next one. :)

Fear

We talk. Of finances. Bills. Loans. Interest rates. 401k.

Fear wells up in me and spills silently down my face.

Why? Why the fear at this, I who am generally not fearful?

I read something about someones's husband who's life is one long story of his love for her. She feels it. She knows it, (despite how undeserved she feels), blah blah blah. And my fear spills more.

It is then that it dawns on me, why.

Because I fear he will leave.

Really? That's what I feel? I'm surprised by this.

But maybe that's been too close to the surface of reality. (Not just with him. Others too. People. But yes with him. And Him.) And marriage and life has ups and challenges and pulling and ripping and sometimes the wounds are a bit jagged, not nicely healed. And it's funny how little things can stick and it makes me wonder how badly I'm screwing up my kids, with all the little things.

Strange to me to feel fear. And fear at losing a future. Something that hasn't happened yet. Stupid.

And then I'm saddened by the fact that I don't feel that security with him. My one romantic notion that hasn't died yet that someone loves me so much it hurts them and fills them and overflows them. Because it's not "idealistic" or "romantic" at all. It really happens and why not me. sigh. pointless.

This is why I can't watch The Notebook.

Why I don't read this blog too often.

It just hits some raw place in me that I'd rather keep closed. Some, I'd rather not go there, place.

And he too has his own issues and fears and history, and he loves me and shows it and I know it and see it and it's not that, just that I have insecurities. And stress. Rationally I know it's dumb, but feelings aren't always rational and the irrational side of me sometimes sticks out, I guess. And something today just triggered some nerve. And so I felt fear.

Truth?

Do you really want to know the truth? the ugly, unhappy, messed-up, straight-up, not what you thought, might shake your reality, truth?

Yes, Elvis is still dead.

No, PeeWee Herman is no less weird.

I'm a truth teller. A tell-it-like-it-is person. Straight up, no bones, and I'm sorry if you don't like it kinda girl. When I get in an argument, I tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth and certainly not covered by grace truth. Nope. Not covered by grace at all. 

When I'm not mad, or hurt, well, I still tell the truth, but I try to meter it with grace. In this I find I am largely unsuccessful.

Do people not want to know the truth? How much truth is too much? Is there too much truth? God's truth? No. My truth? haha. well. Probably. But still I think, no.

A truth I have had a hard time learning is that many people do not want truth. I don't get that. It seems so unhealthy, all those misconceptions and lies and falsehoods to believe. Why not know the truth and deal with it? Life sucks, but at least you know it's real. 

I would so much rather someone tell me the truth. The If I see your kid outside naked one more time I'm calling CPS truth. That my daughter's friends dad said... instead of "someone around the campfire was talking and heard... No. I want to hear it, from the source. Don't talk behind my back, don't twist it so it doesn't make you look like you weren't gossiping. Just tell me the damned truth. 

But again, most people are afraid of telling the truth. It might hurt, they might hurt someone's feelings. *rolls eyes* Because eventually, not only does the truth come out, but the fact that you feel betrayed that people didn't tell you the truth, that you feel lied to... that hurts. Worse than the truth itself, I think.

I teach my kids to tell the truth. It's hard to teach that. You basically have to just do it. Never lie to your kids. Don't make promises you can't keep, don't say extraordinary things you don't really mean or could never follow through on, good or bad, and don't tell them un-truths just to make the truth softer. It gives your words less value. Words that don't have worth in parenting is bad. Because then even the good things you say they have a hard time believing.

Frankly, I just don't understand why anyone would lie or teach their children to lie. It makes no sense to me. It seems like a lot of work and it creates way too much drama. Because lies build, and lies are unstable. Who wants unstable children? Parenting is hard enough without that.

With adults, I think it's sometimes easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to worry as much about explaining deep concepts or telling details that they may not be able to handle. Not always the case, but generally. Like, it's hard to explain things like alcoholism, depression, divorce, death, sex. You know, light topics. With children, you need to tell only what they can handle, bit by bit, without a lot of details. If they ask questions, answer them. Do not print out diagrams and drawings of positions and anatomy from online to explain to an 8 year old about sex. Too much unnecessary infomation. But what about teenagers? They're stuck in that awkward phase of being able to understand infomation on a sort of intellectual level, but lack a total understanding of worldly influence and implications, consequences and reasoning, much less how to deal with it all in terms of how they should feel about it. Plus, teens are still in that idealistic phase, while being introduced to the harsh realities of life, and it can be a little much to take. 

So how do you know? How do you know how much truth to tell? How much is excess? How much is just for your benefit?

The truth will set you free? Or will it just make a mess messier?

When Seasons Change

Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s write in shades of real and brave and unscripted. Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.

That's what the Gypsy Mama is telling me. Ok, I'll bite.

The "rules":
1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Go buck wild with encouragement for the five minuter who linked up before you.

Here goes.

When Seasons Change...

There's a lot of anticipation. There's the excitement of making plans, what you're going to do that's new this year, this season. What to do, places to see, adventures to take. Sometimes, it means a lot of work, but it's good work. Work that comes from change, work that brings change. For me, right now, it's about clearing out winter coats and boots and making space in the entry way. Shedding the skin of winter. Getting dirt under fingernails as you poke seeds in soil in hopes that tiny sprouts appear and later, cukes, carrots, peas, morning glories, sweet peas. And before that the digging and clearing and turning of earth.

 

As a person who lives with hope, it's like a new beginning. A new day. And I love that his mercies are new every morning. Hallelu!

 

Time's up. 

 

For someone who's wordy, that's pretty short. Good thing I thought about it a bit before I plunked keys.

Guess I'm not quick and wordy. haha.

No time

So I started a new, well, not really a bible study. It's actually called peer counseling, but it's biblically based. The focus is on developing intimacy with God. Who doesn't want/need that, right? (Well, if you don't, you should. You don't know what you're missing, and that's totally the problem.) Problem is, it takes time. And quiet. Things I'm rather lacking in with 5 time-sucking noise makers (that I love with all my heart, but they make life and prayer a challenge).

Relationships take time. And intention. When I meet someone, a new mom-friend to-be for example, I can most certainly envision hanging out while our kids play, enjoying weekly get togethers, spending lots of time together so that we bond, our children (could) bond (if they wanted to), a relationship deepened, our respective homes became a second home to the other – comfortable, entwined lives. I would love to have that kind of friendship where we could laugh and have inside jokes, where I could share my whole heart and not be afraid, to share deeply who I am and the parts that aren’t so pretty but how I’ve changed and grown from that, and have that other person do the same. (There's nothing worse that laying it all out there and then the other person does not reciprocate. ugh)

Problem is, since I left college in the early nineties, it just ain't happenin'. People don’t have time for relationship building. And it's frustrating.

It's not fair to say that I don't have any friends. I do. And they're great friends who have awesome qualities and have enriched my life and blessed me greatly. Greatly. I feel honored and humbled, frequently.

But I kinda want more. And I feel bad for saying that, for wanting that. (And no, my hubby is not that person. He never wants to talk about feelings. He's such a man. Go figure.) But it’s intimacy that I want, and intimacy that I’m lacking.

I have gotten mad at God for seemingly abandoning me, not addressing my need for relationship and leaving me feeling cold and lonely. I (re)dated the wrong man as a sort of rebellious statement (and also because I was very lonely) when no friends were to be had and even my brothers didn't want to hang out with me. I have wondered what is wrong with me. I have wondered what is wrong with everyone else.

By some miracle, I actually met someone who was probably as desperate as I was and got married, had kids, etc. But I still don't have the relationship I'm needing, wanting. And as a mom, it's especially hard. Hard to have an uninterrupted conversation, hard to have time to get away, hard to work around school pick-up and nap schedules. It’s hard to find time around laundry and supper duties to carve out time to develop relationship. Even with our spouse. Maybe other people don’t want it as much as I seem to. Or are scared to step out in vulnerability. I dunno. But over the past 18 years, once or twice it has popped into my head that maybe God is keeping friend relationships like that from me as a way of sort of giving me the chance to seek that out with him.

I just can’t seem to get over the lack of his flesh, on that, though.

And this is a problem. His lack of flesh. I mean, sure, God can come on spa retreats with me (bwaahaha, me on a spa retreat. But since I’m dreaming and hoping, let’s just go with it) but it would probably draw odd looks and phone calls to the funny farm if I had a laughing fit or a really deep conversation with God, and people could only hear me.

But I still want, need, long for intimacy. And I’m figuring out that the hurt places in my heart could do with a little God intimacy. I feel like I’m in a season of God calling me, wanting more, as I want more, yearn for intimacy in Christ. But I just. Can’t. Seem. To. Get. there. And I hate that.

I don’t have time.

There’s no quiet (except after 9 pm, in which I’m exhausted and want to numb my mind on stupid things like Hulu and FB).

And even when I have that time carved out, in church, at bible study, I feel like I just can’t. I can’t because there’s not time for that. Children are asking questions about why mommy is crying, or can I have another cookie, or when are we going home. There’s not enough time to really lay all my guts out and at the feet of Jesus because we only have X amount of minutes and I need to not monopolize it all, and even then I don’t want to be a blubbering, red-faced, googley-eyed idiot when I pick up the kids at the babysitter’s (who will look at me like I’m some lunatic – which I am but let’s not give the freaks in this town any more fodder for that rumor). There’s just no time. Ands even if there is, I don’t seize the opportunity, because I take that opportunity to do something like blog or FB or do dishes in silence.

And what I really need to do is just say to HELL with all of it and just lay at the frickin feet of Jesus and bawl my ever lovin’ head off and who gives a crap about what time it is or who’s watching or what my kids are doing because maybe someone can just do me the favor of taking care of all that so I can have a moment or thirty. Cuz girlfriend’s got some crap she just needs to lay down.

A few weeks ago, a visiting pastor told a tale of how he went on a missions trip to Mexico and had great notions of having this daily quiet time. Instead, the church next door had nightly services that were rather spirited (and loud) until late into the night, and right about the time he fell asleep the roosters would start crowing. As it turned out, there was no quiet time to be had, that week. He explained that at the end of the week he was so absolutely exhausted. And boy could I relate to that. He was trying to explain about how we need to have that alone time with God, but that sometime there are interruptions. It was when he said that we can’t always control when the baby cries, that there is often not much silence for mothers of small children and we just can’t get there to that quiet time with God, that the tears started rolling down my face. (And to think that about 5 minutes prior to this I thought the guy was boring and had nothing of interest for me in this message. HA! HA!) I swear he was speaking right to me, reading my mail. But then he said this… God has grace for that.

What a relief. Like a blanket of mercy and grace that washed over me. Hope is not lost. I am not lost. Hallelujah!

But how long does this grace and mercy last? Days? Weeks? Years? How about decades? I know you can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes, and this too shall pass and all that crap, but seriously. Is there a cap on how much time I have to seek and find and build intimacy in Him?

I feel frantic. Desperate. And yet tired. Burnt out. Done. Spiritually speaking, but that also runs into the physical/emotional side of life, too.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt 11:28-30

“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ~Isaiah 40:31

This seems so easy and so impossible. Lord, help me to get there. I need you. I feel like a failure, and yet I know I'm sabotaging myself. I want you. I want to know you. I want to have that kind of relationship where it's hard to tell where you end and I begin. Thank you for your grace. Please don't give up on me.

Sin

**Wow. Ok, just saw this post that I started and them FAILED to post. Ugh. Hate that. So Now I'm finishing it and posting it. Yay for me. Or whatever. Originally intended post date 3/29, actual post date 5/19. Oops.

So, sin.

It's gross.

That is all.

Thank you for reading.

JUST KIDDING!

 haha. You know I have more to say about it than that.

"Sin is

supplementing ourselves

with what we believe God is deficient in giving us." ~Brenda Gatlin (I think)

gasp. ugh.

Doesn't that make you recoil a little bit?

What do you "supplement" with, instead of going to God?

I have a long, long list, sadly. Food and Facebook being at the top. And it seems that I never actually end up making it to Him. sigh. I feel a lot of guilt and shame for this. I make excuses. I get frustrated at my very real challenges to this. I don't have time, I'm constantly interrupted. And I allow myself to be and stay that way. Blech. But thinking about it this way, that I don't believe God is sufficient. Man. That kinda makes me stop dead in my tracks.

I want Him.

So why do I chose everything else? Answer's not good, I'm afraid. I think, ultimately, in this way, I don't really trust him to be there. Yep. Pretty suck-o.

Takes all the fun out of spending hours on Facebook or multitasking FB and eating 12 cookies while on Facebook. Cuz now you know you should be spending it with him. And not eating 12 cookies.... guilt.

So, what are YOU supplementing yourself with? How (do you think) is God deficient for you?