Dear God,

I have been needing to write you a letter for a long time, but I've lost momentum, lost the desire, gotten interrupted and just plain haven't done it. But I need to. And today is the day.

See, the thing is, and let me be blunt here, I'm tired. Of. it. all. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of complaining, of seeing the glass half empty, of seeing my lack. I'm tired of being angry and not really knowing why. I'm tired of being tired, and lacking the desire and motivation to get off my ass, and do something about my life.

I'm tired, HEAR THIS, I'm TIRED of not having any joy, of not being able to count my blessings.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be in a prayer meeting and NOT be able to think of something you have been thankful for in the last YEAR! I'm sure I sound like an extremely ungrateful miserable person. But you know what? I AM. And I H.A.T.E. IT. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. I hate feeling miserable 90+% of the time. I am not this person, and I don't want to be this person. So please, would you tell me how to get out of this?

I am a crappy mom, a crappy wife, a crappy daughter, sister, friend. I yell / spank / scream / throw things / say things I shouldn't way. too. often. I complain / am moody /am unadmitingly ungrateful for the fact that I have 4 beautiful, perfectly healthy children who are amazing souls that have been gifted to me. And I'm too busy being crappy to notice. I don't truly appreciate my husband for who he is, what he does, what he contributes, what he gives to me and our family, how you move in his life. Mostly I see that he's not around enough, not involved enough, that he's a spoiled, demanding brat (which he is) that doesn't seem to have any emotions, care about mine or anyone else's, and just lives to satisfy his own selfish nature. Who doesn't go to church with me and shows little sign of ever doing so. Or of having any interest in having our own spritual discussions together. And i see that all from my own selfish point of view. And let's not forget,  just last week, when a friend said she was having a hard time, my response was, "hm, that's too bad." And I only felt obligated to ask what was wrong, not because I cared or wanted to know. Because I was having my own bad day.

Just when exactly did I become selfish and why? Isn't marriage and motherhood supposed to hone you into a finer being, not make you worse?

And let's just talk about that anger. I've mentioned this to you before. But you seem to be ignoring me, and let me tell you, that PISSES ME THE F OFF. Now it's easy to blame it all on that stupid roommate I had, as the wonderful parting gift she left me, but I'm sure it came long before that. Kind of like a sleeping giant. Because it is giant. I'm angy at how you have a history of not answering my prayers. Of not speaking to me when I ask. Of not giving me the wisdom and answers on how to be a better mother, on meeting my children's needs, on being a better wife to my challenging husband that I do truly love. I need you, and I want you. And yes, I hear from you. But it would be nice, for once, to hear from you about little old selfish fat sad angry me, instead of everyone else. Talk to me. I can take it. Tell me all the crap I need to change. Show me all my flaws. Rip my heart out. Just don't stomp on it. And certainly, don't just say nothing.

So many questions and hurts that seem to lay buried, but the cemetery might be flooding and all those dead are popping to the surface.

The most recent being the whole deal with the miscarriage. Now I get that's life, and those things happen. And though I'm sad about that loss of life, why did you have to let my joy be robbed in the process. Aren't you supposed to protect me? I was defenseless then, and now it's gone. As the tears endlessly run down my face, believe me when I say, I want it back.

I'm a ruined mess.

Most days this monster, this giant, stays in check, not rendering me helpless or hopeless. Not making an ugly appearance for all the world to see. It's mostly hidden. But there's sure a lot of clouds. I could use a sunny day. A sunny week. A sunny freaking year. A new and improved me. And I think my children would greatly benefit from having a different mom. They really are the innocent victims here. And I really hate seeing my own bad behaviors and habits replicated in my children. It's the worst. mirror.  e v e r. And one that brings more guilt, and condemnation, and more feelings of being overwhelmed with life. ugh.

See, now even I'm getting bored with my complaining.

But from the bottom of my heart.

pretty please.

with all the sugar in the world.

Can i please have some joy? Can I pleeeaaase come out of this deep dark pit?

I need your help. I can't do this alone. I just can't do all this all by myself. Most of the time, I feel like I can't do it at all.

Blah.

And for anyone else reading this, I'm not sure if I should be posting it. So if you have any thoughts on the subject, please feel free to email me. Thanks.

snarl

I will warn you. You should just probably stop reading now. Really. The following is just a bunch of crabby babble. Melancholic musings of a mad mommy. Mad as in loco and angry. I may not even publish it. It's really that bad.

I have this really annoying character flaw. It's annoying to me because I have a hard time changing it, so it makes me stuck in it. And because it's a flaw, it is not a good thing. See, when I have a mood, it permeates everything, and I share it.. I can't put on a happy face for anyone. (I doubt my children will ever accuse me of being two-faced.) You know how mom's can go from screaming at you one minute, then the phone rings, and wham-o, "hi, how are you" sweet-like-honey comes out. Nope. Not me. Can't do it. Much to the dismay of Holly at some bill collectors office, I'm sure. Poor gal called at the. wrong. time. She kept asking me why I was mad at her. Stupid girl wouldn't end the conversation.

I am who I am, no facades, no masks, just me in all my shitty glory. (sorry for that but I am shitty. and I swear occasionally). So I share my glorious mood with whomever happens to cross my path. I should stick a warning sign on my forhead. "Run. Fast."

I also have a hard time getting out of that mood. It takes  m u c h  concious effort on my part. And lately (ok, since, like, August), I just don't have the energy for the effort. I try sometimes, and it all goes awry. Nothing works out. It all ends in disaster. And then it's worse. So I live a life of crappy attitudes, negative outlooks, and critical existence. I'm always tired, always stressed, always mad about something. Life is always too much for me to deal with. I'm always overwhelmed. I always see the obstacles, and can't find the rainbow to any rainstorm.

Don't you wish you were me?

And who would want to talk to someone like that, hang out or even make small chit chat. Who wants to read a blog by Negative Nelly? I doubt anyone really wants to waste their time bring themselves down by my negative commentary on life in the mommy lane.

The problem is, I'm getting sick of this, but don't know how to change it. I don't know how to find my happy, to laugh, to smile.

Not every day is a bad day, but no day is a really good day.

I want escape from my life. From my house, my responsibilities, my children.  I want to run away, to a far away place, where I can't hear cries, and demands, and arguing, and whining. Where people don't complain about what you didn't do, but in fact are grateful and appreciative for all that you do (and sorry, I don't care if those people are 3 or 33). I want to walk across a room and not be disgusted. I want to accomplish tasks and not have them undone a minute later. I want to stop screaming and being angry and discontent. I want to find the joy in my children. See my blessings for what they are.

Instead, I just sit here, listening to my son scream his bloody head off for an hour. Or so. I just want him to shut up.

This sticking my head in the sand thing is not working.

Have a nice day. Aren't you glad you read this drivel? I promise, some day I'll have something nice and pleasant or at least pensive and thought provoking to say. For now, it's just a pity party on my block.

The interview. The search. Patience.

A question was posed. How do you find community? Do you do "the interview" with new people, sizing them up to see if the fit your match profile? Are they like you in lifestyle, beliefs, interests, age, beauty, family, status? Do you seek out people who are different, who might challenge you? What people do tend to steer clear of?

I think we all look to find fellowship with people we might be comfortable with, like ourselves, familiar. Most people don't tend to look for friendships in which they will feel awkward or challenged, with people who live lives that may be in conflict with our lifestyle or beliefs.

I personally feel awkward by people who are "cooler" than me, or who are, um, evil, or into that kind of thing. Not that I'd snub them, just that I feel uncomfortable. And people who are way above my socio-economic status.

 

I come from the other side, the side who people rejected after the "interview." Not as much as in high school, but it still happens. When you live in small communities, it's already formed - because you haven't lived there your whole life, OR because you have. When you add being a SAHM, I think it makes life even more isolating. No automatic community of coworkers.

 

I look to church for community, but even there, there is judgement. (And I'm not the only one who feels that way.) So I wonder, is it because I'm too fat, not rich, don't dress a certain way, my hub doesn't attend church, I'm not happy enough, boring, just not desirable?

 

No. I am all those things. I am desirable. I am fun. And who cares that I'm fat, poor, and not fashion savy. My husband and my God love me. That makes me worthy. And because I have not drawn those lines (as much), I have met many strange and wonderful people. In fact, "those" people seem to come find *me*.

 

I do search for community, and deep relationship. I long for it, actually. The more difficult challenge for me is developing relationships with people who don't have time. Our focus, at this stage of life, seems more to be about family. Everyone seems to have a hard time balancing work, family, church and friends. It's frustrating to want to build relationship, but realize that you no longer have the luxury of time and less responsibility than you had during high school and college.

 

Of coarse I have friends. But not really close friends. The inside jokes, the person who knows what I'm going to say before I say it, no kindred spirit, no one who totally understands me without judgement, no one I feel totally safe telling everything.

 

But I'm not complaining. Really. I'm being patient. I have learned to be patient.

 

Many years have gone by since I had those kind of friendships. Lives change, people change, people move, people move on. I tend to hold on to those, even though they're long gone. I mourn the loss. (Can I start another sentance with "I" ?) Since I have had many years "alone", I have learned a few lessons. One of those lessons was that I needed to be thankful and appreciate what each friendship offered, instead of dwelling on what it lacked, what it wasn't. Nor can I put all my eggs in one basket. (A lesson my husband was happy I learned, as I kept trying to make him my basket, and that was too much pressure. Neither was it healthy.)

 

I often wondered if this dry spell was God trying to get me to make Him my best friend. Unfortunately, I don't know that I am capable of having that kind of a relationship with Him, sad as it is to say that. I need tangible. Sorry, God.

 

So I wait. I wait for the day, the opportunity, the person who God wants me to know as friend. I wait for the day when I can have a conversation not interrupted by many small children. :)

 

In the meantime, I enjoy the friendships I have on the level they're at, I count the blessings (1,2,3,4 and many more) that I have today, and pray for that *next door neighbor who wants to come over and hang out at my house just as much as I want to hang at hers, not bothered while I fold by piles of laundry, to share each other's secrets, and build a history together as friends. (*It's just so conveneint that way.)

 

**And God, if you're listening, it would be really great if she had a husband who was just as much a friend to my husband as she is to me. Thanks.

Reaction

Someone tells you of their multiple unending crises of life, car problems, the dental bill, the financial woes from here to Tennesee, what do you do?

Your husband is totally stressing about upcoming job changes, and you are worried about being able to pay the heat bill this winter, what do you do?

Someone tells you they are depressed and have tried, seriously, to take their own life, what do you do?

A friend confides to you that they have no hope for a situation, feels as though their dreams are dying, what do you do?

When life comes at you all at once - supper burning, phone ringing, child crying, children fighting, headache, hungry, diapers, bills - what do you do?

I have had occasion, in the recent past, to wonder, "what do people who aren't Christians do? How do they cope with crises? Where, or to whom, do they turn?"

I seriously don't know.

I have always known I have a God to turn to, who is my protector and provider. He is the one who cares most what happens to me, where I land, where I go. He should be my source, my all in all. Tonight, in talking to some friends, I listened to a story shared about how one woman would pray before she dealt with each new "customer" that she was to help. Many times she would walk away amazed at how God had used her in their situation, in ways she could never have done on her own. And when she got done sharing, I thought, man, I wonder what my life would be like if I prayed like that about the situations I encounter in my "work." What would happen in my home if I started my day like that? Driving home, I realized that I rarely even offer to pray for others, or even to pray for them privately later on. I failed to pray for someone's car problems today. I didn't ask God to cover my children. I haven't asked God to bless my home, my marriage, our finances. I don't pray for my parents or siblings or inlaws with any kind of regularity at all. I have failed to put my trust in God for helping my child in school. And I am stressing about all kinds of things for which God knows the answer.

So really, what do I do? Because even though I know in my head that I have that God to turn to, I'm not turning to Him.

Apparently, I need some work in this area of my reaction to, and preparation for, life.

Lord, I'm really missing the mark in how I deal with life. I eat, or scream, or walk away, when really I should be falling on my knees and searching for you. Forgive me for not even noticing. Help me to seek you first, to look to you for guidance for myself or others. I desperately ask for your wisdom in my life, in the decisions I make, and in the situations I affect. I ask for your gentle reminder that you are in all these situations, longing to show your glory, and to shower your blessings. Thanks for never giving up on me, even when I give up on myself. Thanks for placing people in my life who know just when to give a word of encouragement, a hug, or an hour of free babysitting. Help me to be a blessing to others, and encourager, a stand-in-the-gap-er. Because I want to be a giver, not a taker. A noticer, not wrapped up in my own world, oblivious. I want YOU to be my home base, that place I run to. And I want people to see that in me, and know they can run to you too.

Fruit

Matthew 12: 33 "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

I'm having a hard time reconciling this within myself today.

The overflow of my mouth, lately, does certainly not speak highly of my heart. It speaks more loudly of anger, frustration, bitterness, selfishness, lack of patience, and sometimes, plain old lack of love. At least, that's what it sounds like.

And yet, I try. Well, sometimes I try. I certainly don't want to sound that way, but... It sounds lame to say "I just can't help myself." I probably can, but I'm too tired, angry, selfish. Or maybe I can't. My efforts definitely seem to be in vain.

Does that mean I'm evil? That my heart is evil?

Boy, that would suck to find out that I'm evil, when all along I thought I was a nice, generally good hearted person. Sinner saved by grace? I certainly don't feel saved sometimes. More like a bad lemon. Who wants that? I certainly don't.

I feel like...

Screaming, bawling, hiding, crying, driving to a remote location, falling, sleeping, talking, venting, screaming, bawling.

Can I just say that post-pregnancy hormones really effin suck when you have no baby to soften the blow? I have not had issues with post partum depression or crazy raging hormones (well, not much. There was that one toilet plunging episode, but that's another story, which could probably be attributed more to sleep deprivation.) with any of my other pregnancies. I am an emotional person by nature anyway, and it was totally natural when I enjoyed the usual crying over the beauty a new life, or the over tired from being up all night thing. But this? This is a whole new level, of freakin' crazy uncontrollable bubbling over of emotion  and is, to put it lightly, a little overwhelming.

I don't spend a lot of time mourning over what was lost (except in church on Sunday when my two pregnant friends, who don't normally sit together or even on the same side of church, were sitting together with their husbands, and I thought, comically, "What? Is that the pregnant lady section?" But then it occurred to me that I should have been in "that" section, and wasn't. Then I felt a little sad. But normally I'm not.) but to have all these crazy hormones smacking me in the face, sometimes daily, just plain old SUCKS!

What the HELL, God? What is this? Torture Kelly Month? What great lesson is to be learned from this? What spiritually am I supposed to gain? CUZ I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. OK?

And the thing that sucks more, is that my husband has his own issues with emotions (in that he can't deal with them. yippee for me.) and so I feel like I can't talk to him about it. So who? Where am I supposed to go to just... express? This stupid ass laptop is not much of a consoler. (That's not a bash the husband comment, so please don't develop the opinion that he's an ass. I love him, but we all have our "issues.")

And even though this is MY blog, and my place of self expression, to get out what's inside, good and bad, I feel as though I should appologize to anyone who reads this that it's not all butterflies and buttercups. Cuz who wants to read about my pissyness. I don't.

Have a nice day.

unfailing love

Doing better. Last week sucked. To my one, beloved (and MALE!) follower, be happy you're not a woman. Hormones (especially any ones connected with pregnancy, pre, during or post) can totally suck! TMI? Sorry.

Granted, that's not all it was. I've still got some "stuff" going on in my head / heart. Working it out. Thankfully I'm not a total raging crazy woman or a ball or tears anymore. I hope. Anyway, I came upon this passage. Totally meant for me at that time. And still today.

So I'll share it here:



NIV

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure, clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Verse 13 stood out to me. Is there a future there? I guess God would always want us to use our story to minister to others who are hurting or wounded. Is my story dramatic? No. Will I be used? Surely. But that's humbling.