snarl

I will warn you. You should just probably stop reading now. Really. The following is just a bunch of crabby babble. Melancholic musings of a mad mommy. Mad as in loco and angry. I may not even publish it. It's really that bad.

I have this really annoying character flaw. It's annoying to me because I have a hard time changing it, so it makes me stuck in it. And because it's a flaw, it is not a good thing. See, when I have a mood, it permeates everything, and I share it.. I can't put on a happy face for anyone. (I doubt my children will ever accuse me of being two-faced.) You know how mom's can go from screaming at you one minute, then the phone rings, and wham-o, "hi, how are you" sweet-like-honey comes out. Nope. Not me. Can't do it. Much to the dismay of Holly at some bill collectors office, I'm sure. Poor gal called at the. wrong. time. She kept asking me why I was mad at her. Stupid girl wouldn't end the conversation.

I am who I am, no facades, no masks, just me in all my shitty glory. (sorry for that but I am shitty. and I swear occasionally). So I share my glorious mood with whomever happens to cross my path. I should stick a warning sign on my forhead. "Run. Fast."

I also have a hard time getting out of that mood. It takes  m u c h  concious effort on my part. And lately (ok, since, like, August), I just don't have the energy for the effort. I try sometimes, and it all goes awry. Nothing works out. It all ends in disaster. And then it's worse. So I live a life of crappy attitudes, negative outlooks, and critical existence. I'm always tired, always stressed, always mad about something. Life is always too much for me to deal with. I'm always overwhelmed. I always see the obstacles, and can't find the rainbow to any rainstorm.

Don't you wish you were me?

And who would want to talk to someone like that, hang out or even make small chit chat. Who wants to read a blog by Negative Nelly? I doubt anyone really wants to waste their time bring themselves down by my negative commentary on life in the mommy lane.

The problem is, I'm getting sick of this, but don't know how to change it. I don't know how to find my happy, to laugh, to smile.

Not every day is a bad day, but no day is a really good day.

I want escape from my life. From my house, my responsibilities, my children.  I want to run away, to a far away place, where I can't hear cries, and demands, and arguing, and whining. Where people don't complain about what you didn't do, but in fact are grateful and appreciative for all that you do (and sorry, I don't care if those people are 3 or 33). I want to walk across a room and not be disgusted. I want to accomplish tasks and not have them undone a minute later. I want to stop screaming and being angry and discontent. I want to find the joy in my children. See my blessings for what they are.

Instead, I just sit here, listening to my son scream his bloody head off for an hour. Or so. I just want him to shut up.

This sticking my head in the sand thing is not working.

Have a nice day. Aren't you glad you read this drivel? I promise, some day I'll have something nice and pleasant or at least pensive and thought provoking to say. For now, it's just a pity party on my block.