Squeezing

I'm having a squeezing.

And now that I've figured that out, I'm much better. haha

Confused yet?

I'm in a phase/stage of life where things are challenging. To my core. Not all facets of life, but some key ones, like being a mom, being a human. Just the basics.

I have issues, like every other person out there, and they seem to feel free to rear their ugly little head a LOT these days. Temper, anger, idol worship (aka Facebook). Among others. It's when I see that ugliness, feel that ugliness, I just become disgusted with myself, with my actions, my words, my heart, my sin. I don't want to be this way. I want to be better, healthier, happier, more self-controlled. I want the Fruit of the Spirit to flow out of my every pore, so that God's love would touch all who I come across. Which may sound lofty, or dreamy, but I want to be one of those people who people feel better after having come in contact with. I don't think that's weird.

My problem is, I don't really rely on God. I don't have the kind of (intimate) personal relationship with Him that I want. I still feel that call of Going Deeper, being changed from the Inside Out, and the frustration builds at seeing my icky fleshliness, knowing God can change it, but not actually getting to the point where it is changed. Past tense. Done with. 

I'm still waiting for that to be "old news."

In the meantime, I'm going through the crud, the squeezing. I have likened it to a birthing process, with hopefully something wonderful on the other side of all this anguish. It gives purpose to the pain.

Isaiah 40:27 (NLT) says: How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?

That's often how we feel when he doesn't take us out of our situation or our pain, but He does see them. He's there, in the mess, with us, even in the trials. He has a purpose for that, too.

I have a quote on my fridge that reads:

Choosing joy is 

acknowledging that while I don't understand what's going on,

God does. 

Choosing joy is 

remembering that while life seems to be spiraling out of control, 

it is never out of God's control. 

Choosing joy is

remaining mindful that while my circumstances may feel anything but ideal, 

God still has my good and His glory in mind.

       - Alece Ronzino, Grit and Glory

So while life may all seem a mess, or pointless, or where is God, He's there in that, too. And that mess is not too big or too bad for Him.

Isaiah 40

v25. “To whom will you compare me?

      Who is my equal?” asks the Holy One.

 v28. Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The Lord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.