Escape

Ever need an attitude adjustment and just can't seem to get there? Feeling stuck in your crappy mood/outlook on life. Even knowing that you're entertaining the devil and just decide to let him have at it, because you're too tired to change anything.

It's a pretty dumb place to be.

It's a pretty sad place to be.

It's a pretty bad place to be.

Is this my lifelong struggle - figuring out how to channel it, to deal with my crappy / pessimistic / negative / complaining self, my anger, my melancholic ways? I hate being the spreader of doom. I don't want to be known as "that girl" who people avoid because she always complains about how hard life is or crappy the day is, how challenging the children are, how ... totally wrapped up in his own mind the husband is.

What.  am  I   d o i n g ?

That's what I think just about every time I have a thought, say a word. I'm just ... so...

unloving.


It's gross.

I was doing bad. Really bad. Then I was doing better. Good even. Steady. Now ... bad again.

So what can I do to reset the game? Will a blueberry muffin cure all my woes? Will a shower and a nap change my outlook on life?

Ha. I wish.

I've started reading a couple new blogs (they're related - literally and figurative, offshoots of another). This was part of a comment:

When the ocean waves are crashing over you, 

quit fighting them and dive deeper.

Is that my answer in there somewhere?

What am I fighting? Who am I fighting? How do I quit fighting? Doesn't quit fighting mean simply 'quit'? I can't quit, can I? (Answer: no. I can't. I'm a mom. You don't quit mom. You don't quit life.)

Am I having a tantrum because I'm not getting my way? Can it be reduced to that? Do I just need to "suck it up? Buck up? Don't I say that, so do I need to follow my own advice? Am I being a brat?

What I wish, most of all, is that I could have a 2-week long Hawaiian vacation, sans kids, and come home to find that some amazing team of home organizers/decorators has come in, cleaned, organized, trimmed my windows, put up curtains and painted my walls.


Escapism. That's what I'm dreaming of. I think I need to go put on my happy music, which is all about escaping.