I can't seem to catch a break, catch a breath, catch a nap, catch a movie. Life is just piling on top of me like the leaves outside my door, only much heavier. Friend upsets, worries about church family and where have all the flowers gone, the fact that my house never stays clean, never gets clean, papers always lost, projects never finished, and we can't keep a frickin' pencil sharpened to save our lives. And God, well, he and I have a communication problem. As someone said to me, it's like we're both sitting there wearing helmets (you know, the motorcycle kind where the glass totally shields your face so you might as well be a spacemen for all the talking you could do in one of those things). Exactly! I still feel the calling, the yearning for Deeper, and to be changed from the Inside Out. And I need him. I need him for all that. Because my life as a human seems to be crushing me some days (not today, or, not yet) and I need a lifeline, a life preserver. A safety net for my kids who have gotten "crazy, bad mommy" way too many times in the last week, month, season, year. And when you're failing at the most important job in the world, and just knowing you're screwing them up and probably scarring them for life, yeah, well that sucks.
"In Christ alone my hope is found." Yes. There's the hope of that. Some days, though, it seems out of reach. I can't seem to catch hold of it.
I'm so glad God has grace for all that.
The possibility that this all is God squeezing me, like in birthing, that this is all part of his process to bring about new life, is strangely calming. Purpose to pain. I can deal with that. After all, Lord knows I love childbirth.
oh gurrrrrrl. I was literally shaking my hand in agreement to the pencil sharpened thing...What. is . with . that!
ReplyDeleteGuess it's really just 1st world problems, right?
Can you hire someone for the house? I mean it isn't very pricey at all...ask around... it is the best thing you can do to loosen up your life.
Only in Motherhood is one person supposed to do EVERYTHING...at every Functioning biz in the world there are different departments for different things... not in motherhood....so try outsourcing some stuff.
Don't sink...I have been there... oh baby have I...7kids, I have been there.
T
Your cry is the anthem of every busy mother...we ALL feel like we are crazy, bad mommy more than we are the good, patient mommy.
ReplyDeleteAt least I do. Right there in the trenches with you...
Love the authenticity in your words. And your tongue-in-cheek humor. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen my children were little I remember standing outside their bedroom door at night praying. I was asking God to overcome my mistakes and give me His grace. Being a Mom is a hard job and you are right--God refines us.
ReplyDeleteT gave some good suggestions. I had one teenage girl come over to watch/play with my children while I was at home. It freed me up to focus on other things.
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Blessings!