Feelings

I wrote about fear in the midst of my processing of it. I wasn't even done with the post and then later returned to finish, but I had finished my dealings, my feelings.

I recently told a friend that I don't have time to deal with those places I'd just rather not go. Its too messy and time consuming and I'm busy taking care of other people who don't understand my need for taking a break. So going there is hard, and I fight it. But after I wrote the bulk of the post, I talked to the hubs and told him how I was feeling. (Mostly because he wanted to know why I was crying, because seriously, talking about consolidating credit cards should not normally induce crying. It was a civil, unheated discussion.) And once it was out there, that stupid silly fear lost it's power, and met the light of day, was no longer a secret, even to me. It became so small and ridiculous, it floated away, and now I feel lighter. Strangely.

Later, as I was perusing blogs, Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small Things had written this:

While I naturally search for a button to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. 

So to whatever that weird emotional episode was this afternoon, I'm glad to have experienced it, to have dealt with it, to have freed it. And I'll be happy to wait a while for the next one. :)

Fear

We talk. Of finances. Bills. Loans. Interest rates. 401k.

Fear wells up in me and spills silently down my face.

Why? Why the fear at this, I who am generally not fearful?

I read something about someones's husband who's life is one long story of his love for her. She feels it. She knows it, (despite how undeserved she feels), blah blah blah. And my fear spills more.

It is then that it dawns on me, why.

Because I fear he will leave.

Really? That's what I feel? I'm surprised by this.

But maybe that's been too close to the surface of reality. (Not just with him. Others too. People. But yes with him. And Him.) And marriage and life has ups and challenges and pulling and ripping and sometimes the wounds are a bit jagged, not nicely healed. And it's funny how little things can stick and it makes me wonder how badly I'm screwing up my kids, with all the little things.

Strange to me to feel fear. And fear at losing a future. Something that hasn't happened yet. Stupid.

And then I'm saddened by the fact that I don't feel that security with him. My one romantic notion that hasn't died yet that someone loves me so much it hurts them and fills them and overflows them. Because it's not "idealistic" or "romantic" at all. It really happens and why not me. sigh. pointless.

This is why I can't watch The Notebook.

Why I don't read this blog too often.

It just hits some raw place in me that I'd rather keep closed. Some, I'd rather not go there, place.

And he too has his own issues and fears and history, and he loves me and shows it and I know it and see it and it's not that, just that I have insecurities. And stress. Rationally I know it's dumb, but feelings aren't always rational and the irrational side of me sometimes sticks out, I guess. And something today just triggered some nerve. And so I felt fear.

Truth?

Do you really want to know the truth? the ugly, unhappy, messed-up, straight-up, not what you thought, might shake your reality, truth?

Yes, Elvis is still dead.

No, PeeWee Herman is no less weird.

I'm a truth teller. A tell-it-like-it-is person. Straight up, no bones, and I'm sorry if you don't like it kinda girl. When I get in an argument, I tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth and certainly not covered by grace truth. Nope. Not covered by grace at all. 

When I'm not mad, or hurt, well, I still tell the truth, but I try to meter it with grace. In this I find I am largely unsuccessful.

Do people not want to know the truth? How much truth is too much? Is there too much truth? God's truth? No. My truth? haha. well. Probably. But still I think, no.

A truth I have had a hard time learning is that many people do not want truth. I don't get that. It seems so unhealthy, all those misconceptions and lies and falsehoods to believe. Why not know the truth and deal with it? Life sucks, but at least you know it's real. 

I would so much rather someone tell me the truth. The If I see your kid outside naked one more time I'm calling CPS truth. That my daughter's friends dad said... instead of "someone around the campfire was talking and heard... No. I want to hear it, from the source. Don't talk behind my back, don't twist it so it doesn't make you look like you weren't gossiping. Just tell me the damned truth. 

But again, most people are afraid of telling the truth. It might hurt, they might hurt someone's feelings. *rolls eyes* Because eventually, not only does the truth come out, but the fact that you feel betrayed that people didn't tell you the truth, that you feel lied to... that hurts. Worse than the truth itself, I think.

I teach my kids to tell the truth. It's hard to teach that. You basically have to just do it. Never lie to your kids. Don't make promises you can't keep, don't say extraordinary things you don't really mean or could never follow through on, good or bad, and don't tell them un-truths just to make the truth softer. It gives your words less value. Words that don't have worth in parenting is bad. Because then even the good things you say they have a hard time believing.

Frankly, I just don't understand why anyone would lie or teach their children to lie. It makes no sense to me. It seems like a lot of work and it creates way too much drama. Because lies build, and lies are unstable. Who wants unstable children? Parenting is hard enough without that.

With adults, I think it's sometimes easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to worry as much about explaining deep concepts or telling details that they may not be able to handle. Not always the case, but generally. Like, it's hard to explain things like alcoholism, depression, divorce, death, sex. You know, light topics. With children, you need to tell only what they can handle, bit by bit, without a lot of details. If they ask questions, answer them. Do not print out diagrams and drawings of positions and anatomy from online to explain to an 8 year old about sex. Too much unnecessary infomation. But what about teenagers? They're stuck in that awkward phase of being able to understand infomation on a sort of intellectual level, but lack a total understanding of worldly influence and implications, consequences and reasoning, much less how to deal with it all in terms of how they should feel about it. Plus, teens are still in that idealistic phase, while being introduced to the harsh realities of life, and it can be a little much to take. 

So how do you know? How do you know how much truth to tell? How much is excess? How much is just for your benefit?

The truth will set you free? Or will it just make a mess messier?