As an adult, the feeling of being called to prayer has emerged. I have had the experience of going to an evening of praise and prayer, and knew I was going to pray for a particular person. I have felt "called" to pray for someone's marriage, someone I hardly knew. And I prayed weeks, 24/7. I know when someone has come to mind that I should pray for them. And have found out later about important conversations that were taking place at. that. time.
Lately, my prayer experiences have been odd.
A friend has come to me over and over and over again, asking for prayer. Yet when I pray for her, I feel as though I am praying for myself. Scriptures that cross my path are both for me and for her. And while I get irritated with her for not applying this to her life, I know that I am also not applying those same things to my life. So is that how God feels with me? Irritated? Angry at my excuses?
Since the first of the year, I have started participating on the Prayer Ministry team. (Much more suited to me than Children's Ministries, for sure.) I have sometimes felt conflicted with, how can I pray for / help someone else when I feel a significant lack in my life. Or the, this is a bad day and I don't feel like praying for someone, I feel like being the recipient. But God always delivers, and though I don't know the end result of what the prayer did for someone else, I know what it did in me.
A few Sundays ago, someone came forward who I have a connection to thru another church. She asked for prayer for a certain call she felt, and I was overcome with emotion, compassion, feeling her pain. Here I am, in a prayer team with another guy, bawling like a baby. I could hardly get any words out. Tears just running down my face. I felt like a complete weirdo, more emotional than even she.
The sermon series in church right now has been on the book of Luke. Good stuff, and I have taken a few nuggets out of it for sure. This past week I knew ahead of time it would be on healing. That morning as I was getting ready to go to church, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. Not for my stuff. An empathetic emotion. I took lots of deep breaths. Then at church, once I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew it was going to be emotional, and kept thinking, I really need to go get some kleenex. I was fine, but I knew it was coming. The pastor used the scripture passage Luke 7:11-17 as the basis for his sermon. As he preached the sermon, this scripture answered my question, the question of why I cry for others.
12 A funeral procession was coming out as he approached the village gate. The boy who had died was the only son of a widow, and many mourners from the village were with her.13 When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. "Don't cry!" he said. (NLT)
I sat there silently, tears streaming. I decided that was a good time to go find kleenex, and as I entered the hall, and found two friends, it started. The weeping. And so I explained. And they confirmed, that's God. The gift of Compassion.
So at least I'm not a freak. (LOL)
In his sermon, Brian made a few points that resonated with me:
God can release compassion in you that leads toward healing for others.
Your compassion is not inconsequential; it is important.
Compassion is meant to drive us towards prayer - asking for and welcoming the Kingdom of God into real life situations. Use that compassion to lead you to pray.
Well ok then. Actually, what that did for me, was allow me to open up to that compassion, instead of try and control or squash it. But boy am I glad that the Spirit can pray for us, because I was having a hard time with getting words or prayer to come out of my mouth, only my heart.
Yay for God working thru us. It's humbling to know he would use me, that he would find me worthy enough to work thru me for the benefit of someone else.
But I still ask, where's God for me? I want to be healed, to find joy, to laugh, to see blessings.
Is anyone praying for me, feeling compassion for my heartache?
I guess God is, probably.
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