unfailing love

Doing better. Last week sucked. To my one, beloved (and MALE!) follower, be happy you're not a woman. Hormones (especially any ones connected with pregnancy, pre, during or post) can totally suck! TMI? Sorry.

Granted, that's not all it was. I've still got some "stuff" going on in my head / heart. Working it out. Thankfully I'm not a total raging crazy woman or a ball or tears anymore. I hope. Anyway, I came upon this passage. Totally meant for me at that time. And still today.

So I'll share it here:



NIV

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure, clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Verse 13 stood out to me. Is there a future there? I guess God would always want us to use our story to minister to others who are hurting or wounded. Is my story dramatic? No. Will I be used? Surely. But that's humbling.

I'm addicted to blur

I just got my new camera lens. I LOVE IT!!!!! (I'm singing that.)

Even the UPS man was smiling from the joy I exuded.

I bought the Canon 50mm 1.8 II. Finally.

(Two different links on that lens. Get Canon's review, and an outsider review. Both honest and valuable.)

With my other lens, I was unable to get a low enough aperature (f-stop) or a short enough focal distance, to really get that blurry background. I love the depth that the 'depth of field' element adds to photos. Mystery, focus, romanticism. Whatever.

Love.

It.

Here's 2 pics to illustrate the difference between "the blur."

The first one is 28-80 (UV filter). The second is with the 50mm (FD filter).

Notice the blur in the door. So much more with the 50mm. (I think the filter has something to do with why the 2nd one is darker. Has a dark tint to it. Maybe that doesn't matter. I'm a beginner, and so I haven't really checked into filters and all they do.)

Here's some other shots I took with (someone else's) 50mm (when I was trying it out).

In case ya'll didn't know, I love photography. I just need more time. There sooo much to learn in this digital world.

Unknown

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cried seemingly for no reason? Where you feel tired, and incapable, wrong and wrung? I feel depleted. A failure at many things; successful at no things. Guilty about I don't know what.

No, it's not PMS.

It's being tired. It's the end of the summer. It's needing a massage. It's busy-ness, it's pain. It's needing a break but wanting to stay at home. It's loving my children but wishing the would be quiet and leave me alone for ten hundred effin stinkin' minutes. It's needing a date night and the full lavished attention of my husband.

Maybe that's not what it is. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I don't know what it is. Maybe it's "birthing" something spiritually. Maybe it's mourning. (Can you have PPD when you were only prego 8 weeks?) Maybe it's too many cupcakes and not enough carrots. Maybe I need a year's vacation. I'd settle for a nap.

I'm a crier anyway. Something my husband has a hard time with - emotion. (Boy, did God plan to change something in him by fixing us up together.) So me crying isn't exactly novel. But when a day or two is like this, I guess I wonder what's up.

I made up this saying about how when you clean house, you use a lot of water. So when I'm crying, it's just God cleaning house.

Whatever. It justifies the waterworks. I've learned to be not so self conscious about it. I have no control anyway.

Is this a dumb post?

Any why is it that when someone asks "how are you doing" it's overwhelming? The surge of emotions is overwhelming. Thank you for asking. "you know what I'm talking about."

Am I being too transparent here? Too moody? Too real? Too boring?

Maybe this is like one of those things you shouldn't do, like drunk dialing. No blogging when emotional.