cringe

I took my "before" pics today (self timer and tripod. couldn't catch the hubby when he was home). Lord. Have. Mercy.

Why did no one tell me.

I did not realize. I now see how lacking a full length mirror has been bad.

I called and apologized to my husband. He told me I was weird, and that of coarse he is attracted to me. Lucky him. Uh. Yeah.

And then later, I was talking to a group of women. One of them didn't get it. Why would you do that, she asked. Uh, apparently you have never had the need to go on a major diet, and wanted proof for later of your changes. Skinny ppl. Are they all so clueless? Kidding. Just bitter. :D Not really. Ok. Well, kinda. Anyway.

Just to be clear, I will not be posting those any time soon. Uffda.

Ok. That was all I wanted to say.

God must really be on my side.

Day 3 of South Beach Diet. So far so good. I'm actually very surprised at how well it's going.

The first time I did SB was spring of 2004(?). Man, that seems like eons ago. Well, 3 kids ago, to be precise. I was only on it for about 6 weeks, and lost about 15-20 lbs. but felt great. When I got pregnant, I could no longer stomach many vegetables, and just the thought of salad dressing of any kind made me wanna hurl. So that ended that. (Hmm.. maybe it was 2006. Either way, now I have 4 kids. And now I will have no more, thankyouverymuch.)

I love being pregnant, but it has been hard on my body. I have been hard on my body. I have ignored and abused it. I have not made the best decisions for me. I had problems with Gestational Diabetes, and pubic bone pain, and lower back pain. I usually did good in the weight gain area, having left the hospital weighing less than I started. But the last time, not so much. And the stress of breastfeeding problems, baby problems, and then the whole having-4-kids-under-5 things, contributed to some poor eating habits. Boredom, lonliness and stress.

I had been thinking for a few months that I needed to write down some goals. New years resolutions, if you will. But for all my time whiled away on the computer, I just never got around to it. One day, during a lovely and days-long marital spat, I had stopped at the store, bought some donuts, and proceeded to eat the entire 6-pack myself, bawling my freakin' eyes out. And I thought, this is pathetic. Isn't this what really fat ppl do?

GASP!

Self realization: This is not good.

Not long after that I wrote out my goals. And #1 is lose weight. But I knew I had to be specific, had to have a plan. So I set a date. I had to set a date. I was planning a church women's retreat, and after that I would do it. June 1st.

Deep breath.

When I did South Beach last time, it was r e a l l y hard for me. My cravings were out. of. this. world. And they didn't end after 2-3 days, they lasted almost the entire 2 weeks of Phase 1. That sucked. Then there was the rather "good" case of Gest diabetes I got with preg #3 which made me unable to eat any of the things a pregnant woman craves. Pure torture. And when I was on it the last time, all I thought about and did was related to food, like an obsession out of necessity. Thinking about what I could / could not eat, what I was going to make. Then there was the pure quantity of what I ate to feed my cravings. My grocery bill increased by $250 for every two weeks. That's a lot of lettuce, folks. Consequently, I was filled with fear in starting anew. Huge, crippling fear. (well, at least for me. I'm not a person who is usually fearful). How am I going to be able to handle the cravings? How am I going to be able to spend so much time with all the food prep? Never mind the cost, or the fact that I would have to be making 2 meals, one for me/hubby, one for the kids. Never mind the fact that it seemed like one. more. thing. for this overwhelmed, over tired, overly lonely mother of 4 small children. I didn't know if I could do it.

I spent many days crying over it, asking "my girls" from Women's Group to pray for me, for strength, for desire, for courage, for it to be easy (haha, I just "knew" that wouldn't be the case).

At our women's retreat, I had a lot of anxiety about the looming date. It caused me to cry suddenly, and often. In the final worship time, I layed it out there, "God, you really just need to be there, and meet me when I can't." Just as I finished praying that, the next song started.

In my weakness, would you come
Help me stand up, help me run
To the shadow of your wings
And the comfort that it brings

And I'll wait wait, and be still
And I'll know you are God, you are God

I will love you, and adore you
I will trust you, God
I will sing in times of trouble
I will trust you, God

(I will trust you, by Chris Lisotte).

To me, it felt like that was God, saying, "I heard you. I will be there." (whispered) Thank you.

So June 1 came. I only felt one craving the whole day, and it was managed. Day 2, walking into Wally World, with all of the donut and smores displays, just about killed me. I walked fast. Today, I've been tempted by banana bread, but that's because it was sitting out. So I put it away. As for amounts, normal. No inhaling of an entire head of romaine lettuce in one sitting. (Ok that was a little exagerated. But not much. Seriously.)

I have remembered, throughout each day, to thank God for helping me, for answering my prayers, and asking him to continue to meet me when I cannot. I think it's working.

So someone must really be praying for me, or God must really be on my side or want me skinny. Halleluja it's going this well.

Day One.

So today is day one of blog two. haha. I have thought about starting a blog to write about all the other stuff in my life. So this is that place, I guess. This is also the first day of me making more permanent changes in my life regarding my health and vitality. (Translation: I'm going on a diet. Or more, changing the way I eat in a more permanent fashion.) Spiritually, this has been a huge battle for me. The last time I did this was hard, but successful, but also landed me pregnant, something I definitely don't want now. For heaven's sake NO! Not that I'm worried about getting pregnant. I pretty much have that prob under wraps (no pun insinuated). But the physical challenges this change brings have scared me to death. Why? I don't really know. I guess that's satan's way of keeping our focus off God. It worked for a good long while. Now I'm not taking it any more.

I think that my friends must have been praying for me a lot today, or all the carbs I ate yesterday are so stored up and my body's still feeding off them, as I have not had too bad of a day. Cravings didn't start til mid evening, and then were pretty mild. I ate well, and didn't even feel the need to inhale everything in sight, unlike the last time I did this I think I ate about 4 days worth of veggies in one day. Man that was nuts. I just pray that the Lord meets me in those times of need, provides a way out, and helps me fill the empty wells with Him and Him alone.

And now, good night, as it is way past my bedtime and I am getting hungry.