I can't seem to catch a break, catch a breath, catch a nap, catch a movie. Life is just piling on top of me like the leaves outside my door, only much heavier. Friend upsets, worries about church family and where have all the flowers gone, the fact that my house never stays clean, never gets clean, papers always lost, projects never finished, and we can't keep a frickin' pencil sharpened to save our lives. And God, well, he and I have a communication problem. As someone said to me, it's like we're both sitting there wearing helmets (you know, the motorcycle kind where the glass totally shields your face so you might as well be a spacemen for all the talking you could do in one of those things). Exactly! I still feel the calling, the yearning for Deeper, and to be changed from the Inside Out. And I need him. I need him for all that. Because my life as a human seems to be crushing me some days (not today, or, not yet) and I need a lifeline, a life preserver. A safety net for my kids who have gotten "crazy, bad mommy" way too many times in the last week, month, season, year. And when you're failing at the most important job in the world, and just knowing you're screwing them up and probably scarring them for life, yeah, well that sucks.
"In Christ alone my hope is found." Yes. There's the hope of that. Some days, though, it seems out of reach. I can't seem to catch hold of it.
I'm so glad God has grace for all that.
The possibility that this all is God squeezing me, like in birthing, that this is all part of his process to bring about new life, is strangely calming. Purpose to pain. I can deal with that. After all, Lord knows I love childbirth.
