Fruit

Matthew 12: 33 "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

I'm having a hard time reconciling this within myself today.

The overflow of my mouth, lately, does certainly not speak highly of my heart. It speaks more loudly of anger, frustration, bitterness, selfishness, lack of patience, and sometimes, plain old lack of love. At least, that's what it sounds like.

And yet, I try. Well, sometimes I try. I certainly don't want to sound that way, but... It sounds lame to say "I just can't help myself." I probably can, but I'm too tired, angry, selfish. Or maybe I can't. My efforts definitely seem to be in vain.

Does that mean I'm evil? That my heart is evil?

Boy, that would suck to find out that I'm evil, when all along I thought I was a nice, generally good hearted person. Sinner saved by grace? I certainly don't feel saved sometimes. More like a bad lemon. Who wants that? I certainly don't.

I feel like...

Screaming, bawling, hiding, crying, driving to a remote location, falling, sleeping, talking, venting, screaming, bawling.

Can I just say that post-pregnancy hormones really effin suck when you have no baby to soften the blow? I have not had issues with post partum depression or crazy raging hormones (well, not much. There was that one toilet plunging episode, but that's another story, which could probably be attributed more to sleep deprivation.) with any of my other pregnancies. I am an emotional person by nature anyway, and it was totally natural when I enjoyed the usual crying over the beauty a new life, or the over tired from being up all night thing. But this? This is a whole new level, of freakin' crazy uncontrollable bubbling over of emotion  and is, to put it lightly, a little overwhelming.

I don't spend a lot of time mourning over what was lost (except in church on Sunday when my two pregnant friends, who don't normally sit together or even on the same side of church, were sitting together with their husbands, and I thought, comically, "What? Is that the pregnant lady section?" But then it occurred to me that I should have been in "that" section, and wasn't. Then I felt a little sad. But normally I'm not.) but to have all these crazy hormones smacking me in the face, sometimes daily, just plain old SUCKS!

What the HELL, God? What is this? Torture Kelly Month? What great lesson is to be learned from this? What spiritually am I supposed to gain? CUZ I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. OK?

And the thing that sucks more, is that my husband has his own issues with emotions (in that he can't deal with them. yippee for me.) and so I feel like I can't talk to him about it. So who? Where am I supposed to go to just... express? This stupid ass laptop is not much of a consoler. (That's not a bash the husband comment, so please don't develop the opinion that he's an ass. I love him, but we all have our "issues.")

And even though this is MY blog, and my place of self expression, to get out what's inside, good and bad, I feel as though I should appologize to anyone who reads this that it's not all butterflies and buttercups. Cuz who wants to read about my pissyness. I don't.

Have a nice day.