I really hate those days when I'm struggling. Feeling overwhelmed with melancholy or something like despair. Days when you feel stuck under a cloud, can't shake it, are powerless to change it, to change anything. The worst part? Sometimes it can hit you in the middle of a really good moment.
My life seems to be full of struggles lately. I'm not normally one to let it define me, because life always has struggles. It's part of life. (Yeah, I'm a realist like that.) But some days (weeks, months, years) seem a little heavier on the struggle part, and a lot harder on the able-to-overcome part. Parenting is really kicking me this last year. Dealing with challenging children is challenging. Thankfully, marriage is not on the list. It's always on the list of thing to work on but we're mostly in a good place, dealing with our conflicts in healthy ways. But the cloud of depression hangs over it all. I've acknowledged it's an issue and sought treatment, but I'm still dealing with working out the treatment, and that's not as smooth as one would like.
We had our 11th wedding anniversary this weekend. We ended up going to a bar/restaurant for supper, and stayed for a live blues band. The place wasn't very busy so the noise level was minimal and we were really able to enjoy the music, which is something we both enjoy and haven't done in quite a while. But my body was tired, my mind was emotional, and it had the feeling to me that it wasn't that special, that I wasn't that special to him. I felt fat with nothing to wear. Yes, every woman's dilemma and while it sounds so cliche, it says something about her emotional state. That and I really am fat and really do need to buy some clothes for myself. But I think every woman wants to be all he sees when their mate looks around the room, that they only have eyes for us, that we are the most beautiful thing to him.We want to feel that. I don't feel that, but that's not to say it isn't true. That's where satan comes in, sneaky little devil.
I often look at my hubby and have such strong feelings of love and attraction for him. It's a warmth, it has electricity. It's a full body emotion. When we were out, and I was watching his face, his reaction to the band, listening to his thoughts of the music and playing, I had that thought, that feeling of love. And when I caught his eye, I smiled and said, "You're so hot." He smiled a shy smile and made some comical retort.
It was in that intimate moment, that shared space of love and attraction, that that sneaky little bastard stole my joy. He came in to my mind and with "but why doesn't he ever say that to me?" and the quick response of "because I'm fat / he doesn't think I'm beautiful / he sees how disgusting I've become." It was so swift a shift in thought that I felt stabbed, so sharp it brought me to tears, so cunning I believed it. Good feelings gone.
The cloud of that still lingers with me, more than a day later. My depression is winning. Feelings of being powerless heighten. Melancholy looms. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and not come out for days.
I even went up for prayer at church. And while some of it hit the nail RIGHT on the head, some of the things people were saying had satan in my ear arguing against it, not letting me believe it. Not letting truth push out lies.
satan is stupid.
My flesh and heart cry out, to you the living God. Your Spirit's water for my soul. I've tasted and I've seen. Come once again to me.
But Lord, I need you to draw near to me, because I haven't the strength.
Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
For I am nothing, I am nothing without you.
All my soul needs
Is all your love
to cover me.
