hole

Have you ever come across someone, friend, family, lover or even a stranger, who made your heart ache for the yearning inside them? We all have those areas inside us that feel empty, that we chase things to fill them with. Anything from shopping, to food, to sex, drugs and rock and roll, relationships, x rated images, money, power, even exercise. It's not all just "bad" stuff. Reading can be an escape. I mean, who doesn't love to crawl into a good book for a while? I know I do. I have those areas, those weaknesses too. But "things" never make me feel better, at least not in the long run. 

It's hard to see that empty place inside someone else, too. To see them ache or yearn for something, and what they find never really does the trick. My empathy kicks in because I know the pain of my ache, the lengths I have gone to fill a need, and the after affects of not finding the right thing. We all want to feel loved, valuable, worthy, attractive, capable, strong, encouraged, successful, included. Even when we are, we can still feel like we're not, or that it's not enough. To watch that in someone else makes me feel a little helpless. Even I feel lost. Lost in how to help, how to cure, how to make it all better and make the pain go away.

I had such an encounter today, and it kills me that I can't make it all better. Instantly a song came into my head, a song that I think of quite often, actually. I really only know the chorus, but it says it all.

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And a restless soul is searching.

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And it's a void only He can fill. 

                                        ~ Plumb - God-Shaped Hole

My internal reaction was instant. It was like a dagger to my heart, because my heart aches for their ache, their emptiness. And I feel like I know the answer but how do I get them to see that? To KNOW that, to know Him? I prayed, but sometimes it feels like prayer isn't enough. Probably because we want instant gratification. But I truly truly want this person to know God, to know wholeness, to experience restoration and the healing salve of God in their life. Because I know He brings that, if only we will take it. 

Lord, please hear my cries for this person. Call out to them in a way they cannot mistake. Help them to see and hear and answer your call, your invitation to wholeness. Jesus I ask that you would remove all fear or inhibition that might hold them back, that those would no longer be barriers to coming into a fuller relationship with you. Please let them see that their need, their ache, is of you and you alone. Orchestrate their surroundings and encounters so that they see you and hear your good words. God I ask for your forgiveness for my own lack of faith, my own fear of failure, my own fear that you are not enough. I ask for peace in knowing you are in control, and you have it all in your care. Lord, I know the plans you have for me, for us. Plans to prosper and not harm, to give us a hope and a future. Help us to call on you with all our heart, to pray to you, and that you will listen. You word says, "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Set the captives free, Lord, set them free. In Jesus name, Amen.

Satan is trying to steal my Joy

I really hate those days when I'm struggling. Feeling overwhelmed with melancholy or something like despair. Days when you feel stuck under a cloud, can't shake it, are powerless to change it, to change anything. The worst part? Sometimes it can hit you in the middle of a really good moment.

My life seems to be full of struggles lately. I'm not normally one to let it define me, because life always has struggles. It's part of life. (Yeah, I'm a realist like that.) But some days (weeks, months, years) seem a little heavier on the struggle part, and a lot harder on the able-to-overcome part. Parenting is really kicking me this last year. Dealing with challenging children is challenging. Thankfully, marriage is not on the list. It's always on the list of thing to work on but we're mostly in a good place, dealing with our conflicts in healthy ways. But the cloud of depression hangs over it all. I've acknowledged it's an issue and sought treatment, but I'm still dealing with working out the treatment, and that's not as smooth as one would like. 

We had our 11th wedding anniversary this weekend. We ended up going to a bar/restaurant for supper, and stayed for a live blues band. The place wasn't very busy so the noise level was minimal and we were really able to enjoy the music, which is something we both enjoy and haven't done in quite a while. But my body was tired, my mind was emotional, and it had the feeling to me that it wasn't that special, that I wasn't that special to him. I felt fat with nothing to wear. Yes, every woman's dilemma and while it sounds so cliche, it says something about her emotional state. That and I really am fat and really do need to buy some clothes for myself. But I think every woman wants to be all he sees when their mate looks around the room, that they only have eyes for us, that we are the most beautiful thing to him.We want to feel that. I don't feel that, but that's not to say it isn't true. That's where satan comes in, sneaky little devil.

I often look at my hubby and have such strong feelings of love and attraction for him. It's a warmth, it has electricity. It's a full body emotion. When we were out, and I was watching his face, his reaction to the band, listening to his thoughts of the music and playing, I had that thought, that feeling of love. And when I caught his eye, I smiled and said, "You're so hot." He smiled a shy smile and made some comical retort. 

It was in that intimate moment, that shared space of love and attraction, that that sneaky little bastard stole my joy. He came in to my mind and with "but why doesn't he ever say that to me?" and the quick response of "because I'm fat / he doesn't think I'm beautiful / he sees how disgusting I've become." It was so swift a shift in thought that I felt stabbed, so sharp it brought me to tears, so cunning I believed it. Good feelings gone.

The cloud of that still lingers with me, more than a day later. My depression is winning. Feelings of being powerless heighten. Melancholy looms. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and not come out for days.

I even went up for prayer at church. And while some of it hit the nail RIGHT on the head, some of the things people were saying had satan in my ear arguing against it, not letting me believe it. Not letting truth push out lies.

satan is stupid.

My flesh and heart cry out, to you the living God. Your Spirit's water for my soul. I've tasted and I've seen. Come once again to me.

But Lord, I need you to draw near to me, because I haven't the strength.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
For I am nothing, I am nothing without you.

All my soul needs
Is all your love
to cover me.