New thing

I want to be new.

Desperately.

"You have to really want it; it's hard work. Are you desperate enough?"

Well, I feel pretty frickin' desperate. I'm tired of being ugly, of spewing ugly. I want change. Inside out.

God, please please change me. This is getting ugly. Please. I don't want ugly.

I. am. Desperate.

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I'm starting a new "bible study" which is more of a peer counseling thing. I could write a long post on all of it but I don't have time and really I want to focus on moving forward not looking backward so in a nutshell, here it is.

There's this thing that goes around the bloggy world about picking your word for the year. And while I'm not usually into such things, I feel God picking them for me. Last year, I felt him say "parenting." Which is not at all like other people's words, but that's what I got. I knew what He meant and I believe that there was definitely work done there, and just in telling me the word, it prepared me to be prepared. Sort of like a warning. Unfortunately, I got schooled in areas I didn't expect, but that's a story for another day. Anyway.

Since late fall I have felt an itching to do something different. I have been going to Women's Group (for lack of a catchier name) weekly for the last 2 1/2 years. And it's been good. It's had its purpose. But I began to feel called to do more, go deeper, do something different. I want that. I want more of God. I want to immerse myself more in relationship with him so that it IS more of a relationship. I want that intimacy that comes with knowing someone well. And frankly, I have felt like a bad Christian because it doesn't even occur to me to "go to God." He's not even on the top 10 of people I'd call to chat about such and such. How sad.

I feel him calling me, and so I searched out ways to get there, other bible studies. NOTHING looks like what I'm looking for. So I talk to my pastor. She mentions "this", and we're off. Onto finding wholeness and intimacy in God. I know it's going to be good. But if you've ever had anything waxed, you know that anticipation of them ripping off the strip? Or the band aid? Yeah, that "oh shit this is gonna hurt and maybe we can just leave it on there" kind of feeling. The I'm not sure if I really want to look at all my sins and please dear God in Heaven DO NOT  make me REVEAL my real ugly shameful ones. I'm SO NOT READY FOR THAT AND PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT. Yeah. Have that BIG TIME. So I haven't really been delving in. Out of fear. Which is strange for me.

But then, then I heard (on the audio session) "Are you desperate enough?"

Hm.

I'm sure not acting like it even though I feel like it.

So here goes.  To Desperation. Cheers! *ching ching*

Oh, and my new "word" is Inside Out. As in, I want God to change me, and He is gonna do it from the inside out.

Bring it on, Lord. (gently, please. or not. just do it. please. sigh)

I'm gonna need a lot of Kleenex for this.