Alternately titled "Life as a duck."
I'm mad at my spouse right now. He probably had the right to be mad at me, frustrated with me. And admittedly I have some sort of guilt at disappointing him, guilt because he was kind of right. It was his timing and words that hurt my feelings. And I'm holding a grudge. Though I know I shouldn't. But I am. In my grudge-holding, though, never never never never do I think he stops loving me nor do I stop loving him. I love him by choice, but also, I don't choose to love him; God just put it in me to do so. I can't help it. I do. Through the worst things imaginable, I would, do, still love him. Not that it's not challenging to want to strangle the bugeezus out of him sometimes, but it's still unwavering.
Though my children have not challenged me too much, it is also that way with them. They are an extension of me. They came from my flesh which binds them to me in a way only your own children can. He made me to love them. While it may challenge me to "like" them or want to be around them for an hour or two (you know, when they try your very last nerve, ruin your favorite treasure from a time full of memories unrelivable, break your favorite most valuable - or not - piece of china, cover the living room in flour, that kind of thing), of coarse I love them.
It's not always that way with others. You know - friends, family, that annoying/ever-needy lady at church. With others I occasionally, and especially recently, find myself very very challenged. When I know I should love. When they are lovable people having unlovable days.
These are the times when I struggle to be a mature adult. To apply the knowledge that I should forgive any transgressions against me, I should rise above whatever unlovableness there is and just love with grace. Grace that God gives to me. Love that Christ has for us all.
But I just.... can't. Not "can't." Maybe, "can't right now", or "don't feel like it right now." "Don't know how right now." Do you know what I mean?
I am being challenged. To learn. To grow. To love.
I want to love her. But she keeps making me mad, even in her absence. It's astounding. A continual smack in the face.
I am angry. Overwhelmed. Offended. Hurt. Tired. Taken advantage of. Unappreciated. Lied to. (That one probably gets me the most.)
I can't see her heart, hear how her mind works. All I see is gluttony, self-centeredness, selfishness.
Up pops my own immature desire to tell her off. Make her pay. Punish.
After this summer of conflict, and contemplation of what makes an adult vs. child, I "have decided" (in all my supreme wisdom, haha) that “you” have become an (mature) adult when you have those feelings and yet know it's better not to voice them, or to act on them. You suck it up. Bite your tongue. Let it go. You discover which battles to fight, and which ones you don't take the bait on. You have the foresight enough to realize it's not about you, it's "just a phase", to remain calm.
I'm still working on that.
Right now, I'm still in the phase of wanting to tell a certain person off, my version of the story, which is the real version of the story (you see how mature that is), because I'm mad and hurt and shouldn't she know just what I have to say on the matter. Because *I* have something to say.
Mostly, I need to remember that just because it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, looks like a duck and eats like a duck, does not an adult a duck it make. I, however, am a duck. And so I need to fluff my feathers, stick my head in the water, and swim to my side of the pond where the waters are calm. And stay there, quietly, til my quacker can quack like the duck it is. With love and grace and forgiving words. Words that build and encourage. That speak truth in love, not as a hammer used to hit someone over the head.
Ephesians 5:21 says, Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
I need to not be embittered myself.
Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
A challenge.
