unfailing love

Doing better. Last week sucked. To my one, beloved (and MALE!) follower, be happy you're not a woman. Hormones (especially any ones connected with pregnancy, pre, during or post) can totally suck! TMI? Sorry.

Granted, that's not all it was. I've still got some "stuff" going on in my head / heart. Working it out. Thankfully I'm not a total raging crazy woman or a ball or tears anymore. I hope. Anyway, I came upon this passage. Totally meant for me at that time. And still today.

So I'll share it here:



NIV

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure, clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Verse 13 stood out to me. Is there a future there? I guess God would always want us to use our story to minister to others who are hurting or wounded. Is my story dramatic? No. Will I be used? Surely. But that's humbling.

I'm addicted to blur

I just got my new camera lens. I LOVE IT!!!!! (I'm singing that.)

Even the UPS man was smiling from the joy I exuded.

I bought the Canon 50mm 1.8 II. Finally.

(Two different links on that lens. Get Canon's review, and an outsider review. Both honest and valuable.)

With my other lens, I was unable to get a low enough aperature (f-stop) or a short enough focal distance, to really get that blurry background. I love the depth that the 'depth of field' element adds to photos. Mystery, focus, romanticism. Whatever.

Love.

It.

Here's 2 pics to illustrate the difference between "the blur."

The first one is 28-80 (UV filter). The second is with the 50mm (FD filter).

Notice the blur in the door. So much more with the 50mm. (I think the filter has something to do with why the 2nd one is darker. Has a dark tint to it. Maybe that doesn't matter. I'm a beginner, and so I haven't really checked into filters and all they do.)

Here's some other shots I took with (someone else's) 50mm (when I was trying it out).

In case ya'll didn't know, I love photography. I just need more time. There sooo much to learn in this digital world.

Unknown

Have you ever had one of those days where you just cried seemingly for no reason? Where you feel tired, and incapable, wrong and wrung? I feel depleted. A failure at many things; successful at no things. Guilty about I don't know what.

No, it's not PMS.

It's being tired. It's the end of the summer. It's needing a massage. It's busy-ness, it's pain. It's needing a break but wanting to stay at home. It's loving my children but wishing the would be quiet and leave me alone for ten hundred effin stinkin' minutes. It's needing a date night and the full lavished attention of my husband.

Maybe that's not what it is. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I don't know what it is. Maybe it's "birthing" something spiritually. Maybe it's mourning. (Can you have PPD when you were only prego 8 weeks?) Maybe it's too many cupcakes and not enough carrots. Maybe I need a year's vacation. I'd settle for a nap.

I'm a crier anyway. Something my husband has a hard time with - emotion. (Boy, did God plan to change something in him by fixing us up together.) So me crying isn't exactly novel. But when a day or two is like this, I guess I wonder what's up.

I made up this saying about how when you clean house, you use a lot of water. So when I'm crying, it's just God cleaning house.

Whatever. It justifies the waterworks. I've learned to be not so self conscious about it. I have no control anyway.

Is this a dumb post?

Any why is it that when someone asks "how are you doing" it's overwhelming? The surge of emotions is overwhelming. Thank you for asking. "you know what I'm talking about."

Am I being too transparent here? Too moody? Too real? Too boring?

Maybe this is like one of those things you shouldn't do, like drunk dialing. No blogging when emotional.

steady winds of change

This past winter / spring, I was so pumped. Pumped for God, full of expectation, full of prayer. God was daily / hourly / constantly pulling me into prayer, as a warrior for others, but it was so building to me. Why is it encouraging to feel called to pray for others? Because it's GOD calling, and so humbling that he chose me! of all people.

Usually, it seems, the closeness you feel to God comes in waves, as do the storms of life. The storm comes, you pull closer, depend on Him more, He is who He is, and you feel His arms wrap you tighter, feel His presence more. I haven't really been having any storms, just the normal craziness of raising 4+ children, being a good, respectful and godly wife, and being the caretaker of our home. I guess God saw fit that that was enough. I'm good with that. :D But we always know that life doesn't stay that way.

Spiritually, I'm not on a high, pumped up plane anymore. It kind of waned. Not that I'm experiencing a low, either; it's much more steady. I definitely feel God with me, still calling me, speaking to me, loving me. Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Mt 28:20 Maybe all that passion / energy was for the preparation of a Women's Retreat that I was coordinating. Or maybe it was just all the prayer needs that were out there. (But do those ever change? There's always someone that needs prayer, right?)

This summer has been busy. Very busy. And tiring. But in a good way. It has been filled with fun, and family, and blessings. In addition to some great time spent with my step-daughter, birthdays, vacations and family get-togethers, we also found out that I'm pregnant, despite the 99.9% effectiveness of my chosen method of prevention. When God has a will, He makes a way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed at this prospect, we have been excited, happy, and have begun to think about this new future.

After a recent weekend away, I came home and began getting updated on all the blogs I follow. While on Facebook, I saw a friend's status that mentioned one of my favorite blogs. "Pray for Stellan," she said. My heart began racing and I immediately went to MckMama's page to catch up on all the scary details: her baby was again on death's doorstep battling a stubborn heart condition. It's a bit strange to become so emotionally attached to people you don't know IRL (in real life). (Though I know I'm not the only one, cuz this lady's got a bazillion followers.) So my heart sank, and my eyes leaked, and I prayed for the umpteenth time for this family, and this blessed little boys very life, that it would be spared.

And I thought about my new baby, the one still forming. I thought about Abraham, sacrificing his son Isaac on the altar, to show his love for God. (Ok, yes this is morbid thought. I apologize, but sometimes that happens to me. What can I say, I'm weird.) And I thought about the "what if" of God calling me to sacrifice what was most precious to me, to lay it on the altar for Him. With every part of my being, I wish for Stellan's life to be spared. He has survived so much, touched so many. There is purpose in his life, regardless of his tender age of nine months. And I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. My mother's heart aches for her.

So I'm thinking about "what if's." What if God asked me to offer up my fetus to save the life of another? Would I be willing to sacrifice that? Would I be able? Am I brave enough? Strong enough? With great sacrifice comes great blessing and growth. And also great suffering. Do I want to suffer so greatly to recieve such blessing? I'm torn with "wanting" that kind of "blessing." Maybe I could just be satisfied with mediocre blessings. Or not.

But today a doctor told me I was likely going to miscarry.

Hmm...

So, that's sad. (I don't say that nonchalantly.) I am sad. Was sad. Maybe I'll be sad again later. Right at this moment, I'm hopeful. I can't help it. It's in my makeup.

I believe it was God's will I got pregnant. I believe He has my best interest at heart. I believe whatever happens, it's in His hands. And it's not over til it's over. Doctors can be wrong. And even if they aren't, I believe in a living God that still does miracles. So why despair?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27

So I leave it in His hands. But with a little plea: Please Lord, spare my child. thankyouverymuchamen.

ps. Apologies in advance if this was a little scattered or random. This was a compilation of several post ideas and thoughts I have had brewing for a while. And then there's the 4 little distractions running around, helping my coherency. So please pardon my unorganized or ill-expressed thoughts.

Oh, and this song popped into my head. These lyrics especially. (This is THE ONLY clip I could find for this song, so nevermind the video, not that it's bad, but I was just wanting the song. And I'm too lazy/tired to figure out how to put in a little song player thingy. Though I did try.)

Watermark - All Things New
I was created to love You
I was created to need You
I was created to know You
And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me
And You are the air that I'm breathin'

CHORUS:
Because of who You are and who I am in you
You make all things pure
Because of who You are and who I am in You
You make all things true
You make all things new

That last line... just keeps repeating over and over again in my head. Whatever that means.

cringe

I took my "before" pics today (self timer and tripod. couldn't catch the hubby when he was home). Lord. Have. Mercy.

Why did no one tell me.

I did not realize. I now see how lacking a full length mirror has been bad.

I called and apologized to my husband. He told me I was weird, and that of coarse he is attracted to me. Lucky him. Uh. Yeah.

And then later, I was talking to a group of women. One of them didn't get it. Why would you do that, she asked. Uh, apparently you have never had the need to go on a major diet, and wanted proof for later of your changes. Skinny ppl. Are they all so clueless? Kidding. Just bitter. :D Not really. Ok. Well, kinda. Anyway.

Just to be clear, I will not be posting those any time soon. Uffda.

Ok. That was all I wanted to say.

God must really be on my side.

Day 3 of South Beach Diet. So far so good. I'm actually very surprised at how well it's going.

The first time I did SB was spring of 2004(?). Man, that seems like eons ago. Well, 3 kids ago, to be precise. I was only on it for about 6 weeks, and lost about 15-20 lbs. but felt great. When I got pregnant, I could no longer stomach many vegetables, and just the thought of salad dressing of any kind made me wanna hurl. So that ended that. (Hmm.. maybe it was 2006. Either way, now I have 4 kids. And now I will have no more, thankyouverymuch.)

I love being pregnant, but it has been hard on my body. I have been hard on my body. I have ignored and abused it. I have not made the best decisions for me. I had problems with Gestational Diabetes, and pubic bone pain, and lower back pain. I usually did good in the weight gain area, having left the hospital weighing less than I started. But the last time, not so much. And the stress of breastfeeding problems, baby problems, and then the whole having-4-kids-under-5 things, contributed to some poor eating habits. Boredom, lonliness and stress.

I had been thinking for a few months that I needed to write down some goals. New years resolutions, if you will. But for all my time whiled away on the computer, I just never got around to it. One day, during a lovely and days-long marital spat, I had stopped at the store, bought some donuts, and proceeded to eat the entire 6-pack myself, bawling my freakin' eyes out. And I thought, this is pathetic. Isn't this what really fat ppl do?

GASP!

Self realization: This is not good.

Not long after that I wrote out my goals. And #1 is lose weight. But I knew I had to be specific, had to have a plan. So I set a date. I had to set a date. I was planning a church women's retreat, and after that I would do it. June 1st.

Deep breath.

When I did South Beach last time, it was r e a l l y hard for me. My cravings were out. of. this. world. And they didn't end after 2-3 days, they lasted almost the entire 2 weeks of Phase 1. That sucked. Then there was the rather "good" case of Gest diabetes I got with preg #3 which made me unable to eat any of the things a pregnant woman craves. Pure torture. And when I was on it the last time, all I thought about and did was related to food, like an obsession out of necessity. Thinking about what I could / could not eat, what I was going to make. Then there was the pure quantity of what I ate to feed my cravings. My grocery bill increased by $250 for every two weeks. That's a lot of lettuce, folks. Consequently, I was filled with fear in starting anew. Huge, crippling fear. (well, at least for me. I'm not a person who is usually fearful). How am I going to be able to handle the cravings? How am I going to be able to spend so much time with all the food prep? Never mind the cost, or the fact that I would have to be making 2 meals, one for me/hubby, one for the kids. Never mind the fact that it seemed like one. more. thing. for this overwhelmed, over tired, overly lonely mother of 4 small children. I didn't know if I could do it.

I spent many days crying over it, asking "my girls" from Women's Group to pray for me, for strength, for desire, for courage, for it to be easy (haha, I just "knew" that wouldn't be the case).

At our women's retreat, I had a lot of anxiety about the looming date. It caused me to cry suddenly, and often. In the final worship time, I layed it out there, "God, you really just need to be there, and meet me when I can't." Just as I finished praying that, the next song started.

In my weakness, would you come
Help me stand up, help me run
To the shadow of your wings
And the comfort that it brings

And I'll wait wait, and be still
And I'll know you are God, you are God

I will love you, and adore you
I will trust you, God
I will sing in times of trouble
I will trust you, God

(I will trust you, by Chris Lisotte).

To me, it felt like that was God, saying, "I heard you. I will be there." (whispered) Thank you.

So June 1 came. I only felt one craving the whole day, and it was managed. Day 2, walking into Wally World, with all of the donut and smores displays, just about killed me. I walked fast. Today, I've been tempted by banana bread, but that's because it was sitting out. So I put it away. As for amounts, normal. No inhaling of an entire head of romaine lettuce in one sitting. (Ok that was a little exagerated. But not much. Seriously.)

I have remembered, throughout each day, to thank God for helping me, for answering my prayers, and asking him to continue to meet me when I cannot. I think it's working.

So someone must really be praying for me, or God must really be on my side or want me skinny. Halleluja it's going this well.

Day One.

So today is day one of blog two. haha. I have thought about starting a blog to write about all the other stuff in my life. So this is that place, I guess. This is also the first day of me making more permanent changes in my life regarding my health and vitality. (Translation: I'm going on a diet. Or more, changing the way I eat in a more permanent fashion.) Spiritually, this has been a huge battle for me. The last time I did this was hard, but successful, but also landed me pregnant, something I definitely don't want now. For heaven's sake NO! Not that I'm worried about getting pregnant. I pretty much have that prob under wraps (no pun insinuated). But the physical challenges this change brings have scared me to death. Why? I don't really know. I guess that's satan's way of keeping our focus off God. It worked for a good long while. Now I'm not taking it any more.

I think that my friends must have been praying for me a lot today, or all the carbs I ate yesterday are so stored up and my body's still feeding off them, as I have not had too bad of a day. Cravings didn't start til mid evening, and then were pretty mild. I ate well, and didn't even feel the need to inhale everything in sight, unlike the last time I did this I think I ate about 4 days worth of veggies in one day. Man that was nuts. I just pray that the Lord meets me in those times of need, provides a way out, and helps me fill the empty wells with Him and Him alone.

And now, good night, as it is way past my bedtime and I am getting hungry.