Screaming, bawling, hiding, crying, driving to a remote location, falling, sleeping, talking, venting, screaming, bawling.
Can I just say that post-pregnancy hormones really effin suck when you have no baby to soften the blow? I have not had issues with post partum depression or crazy raging hormones (well, not much. There was that one toilet plunging episode, but that's another story, which could probably be attributed more to sleep deprivation.) with any of my other pregnancies. I am an emotional person by nature anyway, and it was totally natural when I enjoyed the usual crying over the beauty a new life, or the over tired from being up all night thing. But this? This is a whole new level, of freakin' crazy uncontrollable bubbling over of emotion and is, to put it lightly, a little overwhelming.
I don't spend a lot of time mourning over what was lost (except in church on Sunday when my two pregnant friends, who don't normally sit together or even on the same side of church, were sitting together with their husbands, and I thought, comically, "What? Is that the pregnant lady section?" But then it occurred to me that I should have been in "that" section, and wasn't. Then I felt a little sad. But normally I'm not.) but to have all these crazy hormones smacking me in the face, sometimes daily, just plain old SUCKS!
What the HELL, God? What is this? Torture Kelly Month? What great lesson is to be learned from this? What spiritually am I supposed to gain? CUZ I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. OK?
And the thing that sucks more, is that my husband has his own issues with emotions (in that he can't deal with them. yippee for me.) and so I feel like I can't talk to him about it. So who? Where am I supposed to go to just... express? This stupid ass laptop is not much of a consoler. (That's not a bash the husband comment, so please don't develop the opinion that he's an ass. I love him, but we all have our "issues.")
And even though this is MY blog, and my place of self expression, to get out what's inside, good and bad, I feel as though I should appologize to anyone who reads this that it's not all butterflies and buttercups. Cuz who wants to read about my pissyness. I don't.
Doing better. Last week sucked. To my one, beloved (and MALE!) follower, be happy you're not a woman. Hormones (especially any ones connected with pregnancy, pre, during or post) can totally suck! TMI? Sorry.
Granted, that's not all it was. I've still got some "stuff" going on in my head / heart. Working it out. Thankfully I'm not a total raging crazy woman or a ball or tears anymore. I hope. Anyway, I came upon this passage. Totally meant for me at that time. And still today.
So I'll share it here:
NIV
Psalm 51
1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure, clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Verse 13 stood out to me. Is there a future there? I guess God would always want us to use our story to minister to others who are hurting or wounded. Is my story dramatic? No. Will I be used? Surely. But that's humbling.
This past winter / spring, I was so pumped. Pumped for God, full of expectation, full of prayer. God was daily / hourly / constantly pulling me into prayer, as a warrior for others, but it was so building to me. Why is it encouraging to feel called to pray for others? Because it's GOD calling, and so humbling that he chose me! of all people.
Usually, it seems, the closeness you feel to God comes in waves, as do the storms of life. The storm comes, you pull closer, depend on Him more, He is who He is, and you feel His arms wrap you tighter, feel His presence more. I haven't really been having any storms, just the normal craziness of raising 4+ children, being a good, respectful and godly wife, and being the caretaker of our home. I guess God saw fit that that was enough. I'm good with that. :D But we always know that life doesn't stay that way.
Spiritually, I'm not on a high, pumped up plane anymore. It kind of waned. Not that I'm experiencing a low, either; it's much more steady. I definitely feel God with me, still calling me, speaking to me, loving me. Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Mt 28:20 Maybe all that passion / energy was for the preparation of a Women's Retreat that I was coordinating. Or maybe it was just all the prayer needs that were out there. (But do those ever change? There's always someone that needs prayer, right?)
This summer has been busy. Very busy. And tiring. But in a good way. It has been filled with fun, and family, and blessings. In addition to some great time spent with my step-daughter, birthdays, vacations and family get-togethers, we also found out that I'm pregnant, despite the 99.9% effectiveness of my chosen method of prevention. When God has a will, He makes a way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed at this prospect, we have been excited, happy, and have begun to think about this new future.
After a recent weekend away, I came home and began getting updated on all the blogs I follow. While on Facebook, I saw a friend's status that mentioned one of my favorite blogs. "Pray for Stellan," she said. My heart began racing and I immediately went to MckMama's page to catch up on all the scary details: her baby was again on death's doorstep battling a stubborn heart condition. It's a bit strange to become so emotionally attached to people you don't know IRL (in real life). (Though I know I'm not the only one, cuz this lady's got a bazillion followers.) So my heart sank, and my eyes leaked, and I prayed for the umpteenth time for this family, and this blessed little boys very life, that it would be spared.
And I thought about my new baby, the one still forming. I thought about Abraham, sacrificing his son Isaac on the altar, to show his love for God. (Ok, yes this is morbid thought. I apologize, but sometimes that happens to me. What can I say, I'm weird.) And I thought about the "what if" of God calling me to sacrifice what was most precious to me, to lay it on the altar for Him. With every part of my being, I wish for Stellan's life to be spared. He has survived so much, touched so many. There is purpose in his life, regardless of his tender age of nine months. And I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. My mother's heart aches for her.
So I'm thinking about "what if's." What if God asked me to offer up my fetus to save the life of another? Would I be willing to sacrifice that? Would I be able? Am I brave enough? Strong enough? With great sacrifice comes great blessing and growth. And also great suffering. Do I want to suffer so greatly to recieve such blessing? I'm torn with "wanting" that kind of "blessing." Maybe I could just be satisfied with mediocre blessings. Or not.
But today a doctor told me I was likely going to miscarry.
Hmm...
So, that's sad. (I don't say that nonchalantly.) I am sad. Was sad. Maybe I'll be sad again later. Right at this moment, I'm hopeful. I can't help it. It's in my makeup.
I believe it was God's will I got pregnant. I believe He has my best interest at heart. I believe whatever happens, it's in His hands. And it's not over til it's over. Doctors can be wrong. And even if they aren't, I believe in a living God that still does miracles. So why despair?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27
So I leave it in His hands. But with a little plea: Please Lord, spare my child. thankyouverymuchamen.
ps. Apologies in advance if this was a little scattered or random. This was a compilation of several post ideas and thoughts I have had brewing for a while. And then there's the 4 little distractions running around, helping my coherency. So please pardon my unorganized or ill-expressed thoughts.
Oh, and this song popped into my head. These lyrics especially. (This is THE ONLY clip I could find for this song, so nevermind the video, not that it's bad, but I was just wanting the song. And I'm too lazy/tired to figure out how to put in a little song player thingy. Though I did try.)
Watermark - All Things New I was created to love You I was created to need You I was created to know You And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me And You are the air that I'm breathin'
CHORUS: Because of who You are and who I am in you You make all things pure Because of who You are and who I am in You You make all things true You make all things new
That last line... just keeps repeating over and over again in my head. Whatever that means.
