Dear God,

I have been needing to write you a letter for a long time, but I've lost momentum, lost the desire, gotten interrupted and just plain haven't done it. But I need to. And today is the day.

See, the thing is, and let me be blunt here, I'm tired. Of. it. all. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of complaining, of seeing the glass half empty, of seeing my lack. I'm tired of being angry and not really knowing why. I'm tired of being tired, and lacking the desire and motivation to get off my ass, and do something about my life.

I'm tired, HEAR THIS, I'm TIRED of not having any joy, of not being able to count my blessings.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be in a prayer meeting and NOT be able to think of something you have been thankful for in the last YEAR! I'm sure I sound like an extremely ungrateful miserable person. But you know what? I AM. And I H.A.T.E. IT. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. I hate feeling miserable 90+% of the time. I am not this person, and I don't want to be this person. So please, would you tell me how to get out of this?

I am a crappy mom, a crappy wife, a crappy daughter, sister, friend. I yell / spank / scream / throw things / say things I shouldn't way. too. often. I complain / am moody /am unadmitingly ungrateful for the fact that I have 4 beautiful, perfectly healthy children who are amazing souls that have been gifted to me. And I'm too busy being crappy to notice. I don't truly appreciate my husband for who he is, what he does, what he contributes, what he gives to me and our family, how you move in his life. Mostly I see that he's not around enough, not involved enough, that he's a spoiled, demanding brat (which he is) that doesn't seem to have any emotions, care about mine or anyone else's, and just lives to satisfy his own selfish nature. Who doesn't go to church with me and shows little sign of ever doing so. Or of having any interest in having our own spritual discussions together. And i see that all from my own selfish point of view. And let's not forget,  just last week, when a friend said she was having a hard time, my response was, "hm, that's too bad." And I only felt obligated to ask what was wrong, not because I cared or wanted to know. Because I was having my own bad day.

Just when exactly did I become selfish and why? Isn't marriage and motherhood supposed to hone you into a finer being, not make you worse?

And let's just talk about that anger. I've mentioned this to you before. But you seem to be ignoring me, and let me tell you, that PISSES ME THE F OFF. Now it's easy to blame it all on that stupid roommate I had, as the wonderful parting gift she left me, but I'm sure it came long before that. Kind of like a sleeping giant. Because it is giant. I'm angy at how you have a history of not answering my prayers. Of not speaking to me when I ask. Of not giving me the wisdom and answers on how to be a better mother, on meeting my children's needs, on being a better wife to my challenging husband that I do truly love. I need you, and I want you. And yes, I hear from you. But it would be nice, for once, to hear from you about little old selfish fat sad angry me, instead of everyone else. Talk to me. I can take it. Tell me all the crap I need to change. Show me all my flaws. Rip my heart out. Just don't stomp on it. And certainly, don't just say nothing.

So many questions and hurts that seem to lay buried, but the cemetery might be flooding and all those dead are popping to the surface.

The most recent being the whole deal with the miscarriage. Now I get that's life, and those things happen. And though I'm sad about that loss of life, why did you have to let my joy be robbed in the process. Aren't you supposed to protect me? I was defenseless then, and now it's gone. As the tears endlessly run down my face, believe me when I say, I want it back.

I'm a ruined mess.

Most days this monster, this giant, stays in check, not rendering me helpless or hopeless. Not making an ugly appearance for all the world to see. It's mostly hidden. But there's sure a lot of clouds. I could use a sunny day. A sunny week. A sunny freaking year. A new and improved me. And I think my children would greatly benefit from having a different mom. They really are the innocent victims here. And I really hate seeing my own bad behaviors and habits replicated in my children. It's the worst. mirror.  e v e r. And one that brings more guilt, and condemnation, and more feelings of being overwhelmed with life. ugh.

See, now even I'm getting bored with my complaining.

But from the bottom of my heart.

pretty please.

with all the sugar in the world.

Can i please have some joy? Can I pleeeaaase come out of this deep dark pit?

I need your help. I can't do this alone. I just can't do all this all by myself. Most of the time, I feel like I can't do it at all.

Blah.

And for anyone else reading this, I'm not sure if I should be posting it. So if you have any thoughts on the subject, please feel free to email me. Thanks.

I feel like...

Screaming, bawling, hiding, crying, driving to a remote location, falling, sleeping, talking, venting, screaming, bawling.

Can I just say that post-pregnancy hormones really effin suck when you have no baby to soften the blow? I have not had issues with post partum depression or crazy raging hormones (well, not much. There was that one toilet plunging episode, but that's another story, which could probably be attributed more to sleep deprivation.) with any of my other pregnancies. I am an emotional person by nature anyway, and it was totally natural when I enjoyed the usual crying over the beauty a new life, or the over tired from being up all night thing. But this? This is a whole new level, of freakin' crazy uncontrollable bubbling over of emotion  and is, to put it lightly, a little overwhelming.

I don't spend a lot of time mourning over what was lost (except in church on Sunday when my two pregnant friends, who don't normally sit together or even on the same side of church, were sitting together with their husbands, and I thought, comically, "What? Is that the pregnant lady section?" But then it occurred to me that I should have been in "that" section, and wasn't. Then I felt a little sad. But normally I'm not.) but to have all these crazy hormones smacking me in the face, sometimes daily, just plain old SUCKS!

What the HELL, God? What is this? Torture Kelly Month? What great lesson is to be learned from this? What spiritually am I supposed to gain? CUZ I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. OK?

And the thing that sucks more, is that my husband has his own issues with emotions (in that he can't deal with them. yippee for me.) and so I feel like I can't talk to him about it. So who? Where am I supposed to go to just... express? This stupid ass laptop is not much of a consoler. (That's not a bash the husband comment, so please don't develop the opinion that he's an ass. I love him, but we all have our "issues.")

And even though this is MY blog, and my place of self expression, to get out what's inside, good and bad, I feel as though I should appologize to anyone who reads this that it's not all butterflies and buttercups. Cuz who wants to read about my pissyness. I don't.

Have a nice day.

steady winds of change

This past winter / spring, I was so pumped. Pumped for God, full of expectation, full of prayer. God was daily / hourly / constantly pulling me into prayer, as a warrior for others, but it was so building to me. Why is it encouraging to feel called to pray for others? Because it's GOD calling, and so humbling that he chose me! of all people.

Usually, it seems, the closeness you feel to God comes in waves, as do the storms of life. The storm comes, you pull closer, depend on Him more, He is who He is, and you feel His arms wrap you tighter, feel His presence more. I haven't really been having any storms, just the normal craziness of raising 4+ children, being a good, respectful and godly wife, and being the caretaker of our home. I guess God saw fit that that was enough. I'm good with that. :D But we always know that life doesn't stay that way.

Spiritually, I'm not on a high, pumped up plane anymore. It kind of waned. Not that I'm experiencing a low, either; it's much more steady. I definitely feel God with me, still calling me, speaking to me, loving me. Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Mt 28:20 Maybe all that passion / energy was for the preparation of a Women's Retreat that I was coordinating. Or maybe it was just all the prayer needs that were out there. (But do those ever change? There's always someone that needs prayer, right?)

This summer has been busy. Very busy. And tiring. But in a good way. It has been filled with fun, and family, and blessings. In addition to some great time spent with my step-daughter, birthdays, vacations and family get-togethers, we also found out that I'm pregnant, despite the 99.9% effectiveness of my chosen method of prevention. When God has a will, He makes a way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed at this prospect, we have been excited, happy, and have begun to think about this new future.

After a recent weekend away, I came home and began getting updated on all the blogs I follow. While on Facebook, I saw a friend's status that mentioned one of my favorite blogs. "Pray for Stellan," she said. My heart began racing and I immediately went to MckMama's page to catch up on all the scary details: her baby was again on death's doorstep battling a stubborn heart condition. It's a bit strange to become so emotionally attached to people you don't know IRL (in real life). (Though I know I'm not the only one, cuz this lady's got a bazillion followers.) So my heart sank, and my eyes leaked, and I prayed for the umpteenth time for this family, and this blessed little boys very life, that it would be spared.

And I thought about my new baby, the one still forming. I thought about Abraham, sacrificing his son Isaac on the altar, to show his love for God. (Ok, yes this is morbid thought. I apologize, but sometimes that happens to me. What can I say, I'm weird.) And I thought about the "what if" of God calling me to sacrifice what was most precious to me, to lay it on the altar for Him. With every part of my being, I wish for Stellan's life to be spared. He has survived so much, touched so many. There is purpose in his life, regardless of his tender age of nine months. And I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. My mother's heart aches for her.

So I'm thinking about "what if's." What if God asked me to offer up my fetus to save the life of another? Would I be willing to sacrifice that? Would I be able? Am I brave enough? Strong enough? With great sacrifice comes great blessing and growth. And also great suffering. Do I want to suffer so greatly to recieve such blessing? I'm torn with "wanting" that kind of "blessing." Maybe I could just be satisfied with mediocre blessings. Or not.

But today a doctor told me I was likely going to miscarry.

Hmm...

So, that's sad. (I don't say that nonchalantly.) I am sad. Was sad. Maybe I'll be sad again later. Right at this moment, I'm hopeful. I can't help it. It's in my makeup.

I believe it was God's will I got pregnant. I believe He has my best interest at heart. I believe whatever happens, it's in His hands. And it's not over til it's over. Doctors can be wrong. And even if they aren't, I believe in a living God that still does miracles. So why despair?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27

So I leave it in His hands. But with a little plea: Please Lord, spare my child. thankyouverymuchamen.

ps. Apologies in advance if this was a little scattered or random. This was a compilation of several post ideas and thoughts I have had brewing for a while. And then there's the 4 little distractions running around, helping my coherency. So please pardon my unorganized or ill-expressed thoughts.

Oh, and this song popped into my head. These lyrics especially. (This is THE ONLY clip I could find for this song, so nevermind the video, not that it's bad, but I was just wanting the song. And I'm too lazy/tired to figure out how to put in a little song player thingy. Though I did try.)

Watermark - All Things New
I was created to love You
I was created to need You
I was created to know You
And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me
And You are the air that I'm breathin'

CHORUS:
Because of who You are and who I am in you
You make all things pure
Because of who You are and who I am in You
You make all things true
You make all things new

That last line... just keeps repeating over and over again in my head. Whatever that means.