Catch

I can't seem to catch a break, catch a breath, catch a nap, catch a movie. Life is just piling on top of me like the leaves outside my door, only much heavier. Friend upsets, worries about church family and where have all the flowers gone, the fact that my house never stays clean, never gets clean, papers always lost, projects never finished, and we can't keep a frickin' pencil sharpened to save our lives. And God, well, he and I have a communication problem. As someone said to me, it's like we're both sitting there wearing helmets (you know, the motorcycle kind where the glass totally shields your face so you might as well be a spacemen for all the talking you could do in one of those things). Exactly! I still feel the calling, the yearning for Deeper, and to be changed from the Inside Out. And I need him. I need him for all that. Because my life as a human seems to be crushing me some days (not today, or, not yet) and I need a lifeline, a life preserver. A safety net for my kids who have gotten "crazy, bad mommy" way too many times in the last week, month, season, year. And when  you're failing at the most important job in the world, and just knowing you're screwing them up and probably scarring them for life, yeah, well that sucks.

"In Christ alone my hope is found." Yes. There's the hope of that. Some days, though, it seems out of reach. I can't seem to catch hold of it.

I'm so glad God has grace for all that.

The possibility that this all is God squeezing me, like in birthing, that this is all part of his process to bring about new life, is strangely calming. Purpose to pain. I can deal with that. After all, Lord knows I love childbirth.

Fruit and Wisdom

Sometimes it's hard not to give satan "airtime." You know, when we waste our thought life on things that we shouldn't. When we have "stinkin' thinkin'."

But when you have interpersonal exchanges of the unsavory sort, it sort of gets your world, (and your heart and mind and emotions) all riled up.

The sermon series my pastor is doing right now is on James.

It's good. Very good.

Last week it was on James 1 and Persevering in Difficult Times.

As I sat there, I could have sworn that my pastor was looking at me like he was "reading my mail." I was seething in anger regarding said "unsavory interpersonal exchange" and much of the message was basically telling me how to proceed. I took note, though I basically "knew it all", but in hindsight (it's always 20/20, isn't it?) it was so much more on target than I realized. An unheeded warning. sigh. 

To say I failed in my subsequent interpersonal exchanges would be fairly accurate. I tried. I honestly tried, except that "I" tried, and forgot to give it to God and let Him deal with the whole stinkin' mess. I just simply didn't really seek Him earnestly.

James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 

Romans 5: 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Basically, this all says that troubles, which God never promises to keep us from, are for our Chraracter Development. Can I hear a big rousing "yay"? Uh, no? Yeah, I thought so. lol But as it says in James, "he should ask God" what the lesson is, how he wants us to grow in the face of that trial.

It is apparent

that I have a lot yet to learn.

I struggle with anger. I know this. I just. don't. know. what. to DO. with it. I don't know where it comes from, how to get over it or through it or around it or avoid it or lay it down, hand it over. How do you really do that? I thought I knew, but this, this really challenges me. I don't. know. how.

When faced with conflict, I'm more than willing to jump in, deal with it, so we can wrap things up nicely and all move on. I don't like sitting on things. The whole 'don't let the sun go down on your anger' thing. Works for me.

But not in this last situation.

I, uncharacteristically, needed time. Time to cool. Considering the volatile nature of both the situation and the personalities of the individuals involved (me being one of them), I knew that no good would come with my normal way. Nope, I decided to let it sit. To calm myself. Because I didn't trust myself to speak kindly. To remain calm. To resist the devil.

Unfortunately, the devil did not resist me. He poked poked poked until I threw my hands in the air, said "Fine, have it your way," and resigned to the fact that, try as I might to reign in my emotions and verbal spewage, there was bound to be some carnage. I didn't want that, but I didn't know how to avoid it.

sigh again.

So imagine my surprise when the next sermon, about Discovering Wisdom, was just up my alley too. After a week of getting beaten down by my friend satan, I was tired, sad, betrayed, mourning, weak, shameful. I listened to the list of all the things I wanted to be, tried to be, and was not. Failure. I fell under the power of the enemy. 

James 3: 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

I was reminded that in order to receive "true wisdom" from God, that I needed to ask. And that in asking comes that fruit from heaven, that fruit of the spirit.

I love the Fruit of the Spirit verses. 

Galations 5: 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. 

In things my pastor said, things I thought about later, and that last bit of verse (James 3:18) is that it's not the fruit of  your name here;  it's the fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grown by the Spirit, not me. And fruit is gotten how? By planting, and tending, watering, feeding, nurturing, pruning and plucking. The harvest comes after much work and care.

*sigh of relief*

See, we can try as we might to conjure up peace or patience or self-control, but our "harvest" will be lacking. It's through the Spirit growing in me that cultivates those Godly characteristics. 

So... if I want that... I have to... seek Him.

Takes so much weight off my shoulders. That sense of failure becomes my lesson. God didn't really expect me to do it all on my own. He wants me to lean on him.

Thus saith the lord.

giggle.

Backwards

I had a semi-intense discussion with my husband about tithing over the weekend.

When I think about tithing, I sort of doing it in order to receive his blessings. Like an insurance payment that he'll take care of us, prevent bad stuff from happening, make things go smoother.

Yes, I realize that's wrong thinking. (I did say "sort of" so I also know and do it for right reasons, too.)

This week has certainly not added up to great; my insurance payment idea didn't work.

A friend went psycho on me, producing a rise of anger in me, which then overflows to areas it should NOT. My kids have gotten sick, thus preventing me from seeing a friend from out-of-town. My kid kinda lost his new shoes. There was a major snafoo in the checkbook. (Fortunately, I didn't pay the water bill - check's still in my pocket - so I don't think we'll bounce, but I can't find an important receipt to actually know for sure, and the charge hasn't come through yet. :P ) And I slammed my ankle with the car door Tuesday, and it still hurts.

Oh, and my dad found out he has some sort of crazy disease (to add to the list of all the other ailments and diseases he already has) which will make a very much needed surgery much much more challenging, if it can be done at all. It's really hard to watch your parent/s suffer.

There's more, but I'm tired of thinking about it.

Today has not been a good day so far, and it has me wondering, thinking. Thinking about my wrong thinking. Wondering how much more can I take? How much more is there? When will my help come?

It's hard to be thankful sometimes. Today is one of those days when I have to be thankful for the basics, like health and breath and my family that makes me whack-o.

Oh, hey. I know.... Dillon hasn't crapped his pants in 2 days. That's good.

Challenge

caaaallllllling... caaaalllllling... I feel it caaallliiinngggg.

You know that feeling you get when you're supposed to do something but you don't want to so you try to avoid it. Like an apology for snapping at your neighbor/friend/child/spouse. Cleaning out that closet that you haven't been able to step into for months, anticipating it's gonna be a pain. Going on a diet 'cause your pants no longer fit. It's a quiet, nagging sense.

Yeah. I have one of those callings.

I acknowledged the call for Deeper. I tried in my simple way to go there. It didn't work. And I was frustrated. Partly because it was my fault, my lack of dedication or intention that didn't bring me there. So I abandoned the whole deal. Capooey. Who needs it.

But I still feel... yucky. Not whole. Out there.

I still want to go deeper. I feel called to go deeper. That hasn't left me is so many months.

I know what part of the problem is.

But I don't want to address it.

It's hard and challenging and... uh, so. not. fun.

The problem with being a detail person and a big picture person is that I can see all the steps, and hurdles, the pain and hard work, it's going to take to get there. SABOTAGE!

I self sabotage waaaaaaaay too often.

My "hurdle" or distraction (aka Sin, cuz that's a fun word, right?) is the amount of time and focus I give to online stuff. It prevents me from addressing what's really bugging me, from really dealing with what's bugging me, from being present with my family, my life, my house, my faith. From being responsible for the things I'm responsible for. I ignore my children, my house, my God... because I'm facebooking or reading blogs.

I don't want to teach my children to live this way. I don't want them to be this way... focused on everything but what's really important. I don't want them to think that face-to-face interaction is just as easily gotten online or thru texting. It's not the same. It's soooo not the same. You can't replace people and faces and body language and tone and energy with click click click and get the same out of it.

Thing is, I like the interaction I have online, and for some, it's easier to deal with me that way because they don't hear all the background noise of 5 noisy monkeys milling about, asking a thousand questions, fighting or getting in trouble. They just get me, and as far as they know, it's undivided attention. But my children know that the attention they're getting, is divided, if they're getting it at all.

sigh.

SIGH.

And then there's fear. Where the hell is all this fear coming from?

I know that God will be on the other side of this, but there's a real fear of loneliness, and a certain fear that He won't be there. That just I will be there, alone and lonely. I'm here lonely, all day, most days. I don't need more lonely time. Alone time, yes. Lonely, no. So fear...

Today, I got just fed up enough with how out of sorts my life is. How overwhelming life can be (hello? anyone else have a 3 year old, nevermind his REgression in potty training, grrr), how out of balance I feel, how exasperated I get. So TODAY I quit making excuses, quit delaying the inevitable, quit trying to figure out what the rules should be. I'll make it up as I go. I don't know exactly what this'll look like, and I don't know how long I'll do it. 

But.. I'm gonna do it.

Feelings

I wrote about fear in the midst of my processing of it. I wasn't even done with the post and then later returned to finish, but I had finished my dealings, my feelings.

I recently told a friend that I don't have time to deal with those places I'd just rather not go. Its too messy and time consuming and I'm busy taking care of other people who don't understand my need for taking a break. So going there is hard, and I fight it. But after I wrote the bulk of the post, I talked to the hubs and told him how I was feeling. (Mostly because he wanted to know why I was crying, because seriously, talking about consolidating credit cards should not normally induce crying. It was a civil, unheated discussion.) And once it was out there, that stupid silly fear lost it's power, and met the light of day, was no longer a secret, even to me. It became so small and ridiculous, it floated away, and now I feel lighter. Strangely.

Later, as I was perusing blogs, Kelle Hampton @ Enjoying the Small Things had written this:

While I naturally search for a button to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. 

So to whatever that weird emotional episode was this afternoon, I'm glad to have experienced it, to have dealt with it, to have freed it. And I'll be happy to wait a while for the next one. :)

Fear

We talk. Of finances. Bills. Loans. Interest rates. 401k.

Fear wells up in me and spills silently down my face.

Why? Why the fear at this, I who am generally not fearful?

I read something about someones's husband who's life is one long story of his love for her. She feels it. She knows it, (despite how undeserved she feels), blah blah blah. And my fear spills more.

It is then that it dawns on me, why.

Because I fear he will leave.

Really? That's what I feel? I'm surprised by this.

But maybe that's been too close to the surface of reality. (Not just with him. Others too. People. But yes with him. And Him.) And marriage and life has ups and challenges and pulling and ripping and sometimes the wounds are a bit jagged, not nicely healed. And it's funny how little things can stick and it makes me wonder how badly I'm screwing up my kids, with all the little things.

Strange to me to feel fear. And fear at losing a future. Something that hasn't happened yet. Stupid.

And then I'm saddened by the fact that I don't feel that security with him. My one romantic notion that hasn't died yet that someone loves me so much it hurts them and fills them and overflows them. Because it's not "idealistic" or "romantic" at all. It really happens and why not me. sigh. pointless.

This is why I can't watch The Notebook.

Why I don't read this blog too often.

It just hits some raw place in me that I'd rather keep closed. Some, I'd rather not go there, place.

And he too has his own issues and fears and history, and he loves me and shows it and I know it and see it and it's not that, just that I have insecurities. And stress. Rationally I know it's dumb, but feelings aren't always rational and the irrational side of me sometimes sticks out, I guess. And something today just triggered some nerve. And so I felt fear.

Truth?

Do you really want to know the truth? the ugly, unhappy, messed-up, straight-up, not what you thought, might shake your reality, truth?

Yes, Elvis is still dead.

No, PeeWee Herman is no less weird.

I'm a truth teller. A tell-it-like-it-is person. Straight up, no bones, and I'm sorry if you don't like it kinda girl. When I get in an argument, I tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth and certainly not covered by grace truth. Nope. Not covered by grace at all. 

When I'm not mad, or hurt, well, I still tell the truth, but I try to meter it with grace. In this I find I am largely unsuccessful.

Do people not want to know the truth? How much truth is too much? Is there too much truth? God's truth? No. My truth? haha. well. Probably. But still I think, no.

A truth I have had a hard time learning is that many people do not want truth. I don't get that. It seems so unhealthy, all those misconceptions and lies and falsehoods to believe. Why not know the truth and deal with it? Life sucks, but at least you know it's real. 

I would so much rather someone tell me the truth. The If I see your kid outside naked one more time I'm calling CPS truth. That my daughter's friends dad said... instead of "someone around the campfire was talking and heard... No. I want to hear it, from the source. Don't talk behind my back, don't twist it so it doesn't make you look like you weren't gossiping. Just tell me the damned truth. 

But again, most people are afraid of telling the truth. It might hurt, they might hurt someone's feelings. *rolls eyes* Because eventually, not only does the truth come out, but the fact that you feel betrayed that people didn't tell you the truth, that you feel lied to... that hurts. Worse than the truth itself, I think.

I teach my kids to tell the truth. It's hard to teach that. You basically have to just do it. Never lie to your kids. Don't make promises you can't keep, don't say extraordinary things you don't really mean or could never follow through on, good or bad, and don't tell them un-truths just to make the truth softer. It gives your words less value. Words that don't have worth in parenting is bad. Because then even the good things you say they have a hard time believing.

Frankly, I just don't understand why anyone would lie or teach their children to lie. It makes no sense to me. It seems like a lot of work and it creates way too much drama. Because lies build, and lies are unstable. Who wants unstable children? Parenting is hard enough without that.

With adults, I think it's sometimes easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to worry as much about explaining deep concepts or telling details that they may not be able to handle. Not always the case, but generally. Like, it's hard to explain things like alcoholism, depression, divorce, death, sex. You know, light topics. With children, you need to tell only what they can handle, bit by bit, without a lot of details. If they ask questions, answer them. Do not print out diagrams and drawings of positions and anatomy from online to explain to an 8 year old about sex. Too much unnecessary infomation. But what about teenagers? They're stuck in that awkward phase of being able to understand infomation on a sort of intellectual level, but lack a total understanding of worldly influence and implications, consequences and reasoning, much less how to deal with it all in terms of how they should feel about it. Plus, teens are still in that idealistic phase, while being introduced to the harsh realities of life, and it can be a little much to take. 

So how do you know? How do you know how much truth to tell? How much is excess? How much is just for your benefit?

The truth will set you free? Or will it just make a mess messier?