More than just coincidence

I have been encouraged.

See? Not all doom and gloom here. :D

I have recently been amazed, awed, encouraged at how God is moving. And boy is he. It's amazing what happens when you invite the spirit in. Ha!

It's almost like deja vu, lately. Except it's not.

In January, my group of "ladies", aka Women's Group, jokingly aka "Spirit Sisters", spent an evening just talking and praying and listening to where God wanted us to go, what we wanted out of the group, etc. The similarities were clearly there, common threads from one persons heart to the other. Fellowship, encouragement, sisterhood / family / relationship, and the desire to invite the Holy Spirit in to dwell and guide.

We had been missing direction for a little while, and we felt like we were getting on the right path. Ha! hahahaha. God is so funny.

For the past month, scriptures that are coming up in our study or in our lives are being repeated in the sermons at church, and vice versa. So I have sat in church, looked around for "my girls" and thought, "are you hearing this? This is crazy nuts awesome." I love it when God does that. It's so clear that he's working. It's so encouraging. It is lifting us all up. And tonight, we all started out our prayer time sharing a praise. Not because we said "share a praise," but because we had praises to sing.

I have also seen/heard of "topics" brought up in other's lives, in the church annual meeting, in prayer time, in random email forwards. Unconnected incidences.

The "coincidence" is uncanny.

But really, I know it's not coincidence at all.

He reigns!

It's not just a thing to do

I have been seeing lots of Facebook/blog posts about Lent, what people are giving up. Some surprise me - in the who or the what. Some seem a little trite - overused, too common, not unique or given much thought, the stock answer. Not being "denominational" or rigid in tradition, I tend to not put much focus on this element of Christianity. My faith is not cookie cutter. I'm not cookie cutter. Neither is my God, and I feel this is an act that should have purpose, spiritually. His sacrifice and suffering is not trite.

But I know there are things in my life that need to be purged, cleansed, sacrificed. I need to eliminate the noise to be able to hear the whisperings of the Father to me in the garden. I also need to find, to go to, the garden. And I don't. So I'm out of balance.

I have been thinking, listening a little, about what He would have me do in this time. Or, any time. But no time like the present. To find balance, to find Him.

I am thirsty, but rather than go to the well, I sit here dying of thirst.

I read a blog that makes me weep. Makes my heart hurt. Every. time. I. read. it. (But it's like a drug with good music, so I keep going back.)

Today she said this:

Lent. It’s the preparing the heart for Easter. Like going with Jesus into the wilderness for forty days, that we might come face to ugly face with our enemy.

I meet my enemies daily, hourly. I struggle to maintain control. And I have let my enemy win, take control. blah! So I am considering.

But I am addicted to my noise.

You should really read this whole post though. It's a little hard core, and, well, just read it.

How a Lent that Fails Actually Succeeds

Compassion

I have had experiences in the past, for as long as I can remember, of feeling empathy, or compassion, for people who are "suffering." When someone is being prayed for, and I feel as though I am crying on their behalf, to bear some of their pain, burden, sadness. In those doubting times, I think, no, I'm just some freak who cries at everything. But not really.

As an adult, the feeling of being called to prayer has emerged. I have had the experience of going to an evening of praise and prayer, and knew I was going to pray for a particular person. I have felt "called" to pray for someone's marriage, someone I hardly knew. And I prayed weeks, 24/7. I know when someone has come to mind that I should pray for them. And have found out later about important conversations that were taking place at. that. time.

Lately, my prayer experiences have been odd.

A friend has come to me over and over and over again, asking for prayer. Yet when I pray for her, I feel as though I am praying for myself. Scriptures that cross my path are both for me and for her. And while I get irritated with her for not applying this to her life, I know that I am also not applying those same things to my life. So is that how God feels with me? Irritated? Angry at my excuses?

Since the first of the year, I have started participating on the Prayer Ministry team. (Much more suited to me than Children's Ministries, for sure.) I have sometimes felt conflicted with, how can I pray for /  help someone else when I feel a significant lack in my life. Or the, this is a bad day and I don't feel like praying for someone, I feel like being the recipient. But God always delivers, and though I don't know the end result of what the prayer did for someone else, I know what it did in me.

A few Sundays ago, someone came forward who I have a connection to thru another church. She asked for prayer for a certain call she felt, and I was overcome with emotion, compassion, feeling her pain. Here I am, in a prayer team with another guy, bawling like a baby. I could hardly get any words out. Tears just running down my face. I felt like a complete weirdo, more emotional than even she. 

The sermon series in church right now has been on the book of Luke. Good stuff, and I have taken a few nuggets out of it for sure. This past week I knew ahead of time it would be on healing. That morning as I was getting ready to go to church, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. Not for my stuff. An empathetic emotion. I took lots of deep breaths. Then at church, once I walked into the "sanctuary", I knew it was going to be emotional, and kept thinking, I really need to go get some kleenex. I was fine, but I knew it was coming. The pastor used the scripture passage Luke 7:11-17 as the basis for his sermon. As he preached the sermon, this scripture answered my question, the question of why I cry for others.

12 A funeral procession was coming out as he approached the village gate. The boy who had died was the only son of a widow, and many mourners from the village were with her.

13 When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. "Don't cry!" he said. (NLT)

I sat there silently, tears streaming. I decided that was a good time to go find kleenex, and as I entered the hall, and found two friends, it started. The weeping. And so I explained. And they confirmed, that's God. The gift of Compassion.

So at least I'm not a freak. (LOL)

In his sermon, Brian made a few points that resonated with me:

• 
  
  God can release compassion in you that leads toward healing for others.
• 
  
  Your compassion is not inconsequential; it is important. 
• 
  
  Compassion is meant to drive us towards prayer - asking for and welcoming the Kingdom of God into real life situations. Use that compassion to lead you to pray.

Well ok then. Actually, what that did for me, was allow me to open up to that compassion, instead of try and control or squash it. But boy am I glad that the Spirit can pray for us, because I was having a hard time with getting words or prayer to come out of my mouth, only my heart.

Yay for God working thru us. It's humbling to know he would use me, that he would find me worthy enough to work thru me for the benefit of someone else.

But I still ask, where's God for me? I want to be healed, to find joy, to laugh, to see blessings.

Is anyone praying for me, feeling compassion for my heartache?

I guess God is, probably.

Dear God,

I have been needing to write you a letter for a long time, but I've lost momentum, lost the desire, gotten interrupted and just plain haven't done it. But I need to. And today is the day.

See, the thing is, and let me be blunt here, I'm tired. Of. it. all. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of complaining, of seeing the glass half empty, of seeing my lack. I'm tired of being angry and not really knowing why. I'm tired of being tired, and lacking the desire and motivation to get off my ass, and do something about my life.

I'm tired, HEAR THIS, I'm TIRED of not having any joy, of not being able to count my blessings.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be in a prayer meeting and NOT be able to think of something you have been thankful for in the last YEAR! I'm sure I sound like an extremely ungrateful miserable person. But you know what? I AM. And I H.A.T.E. IT. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. I hate feeling miserable 90+% of the time. I am not this person, and I don't want to be this person. So please, would you tell me how to get out of this?

I am a crappy mom, a crappy wife, a crappy daughter, sister, friend. I yell / spank / scream / throw things / say things I shouldn't way. too. often. I complain / am moody /am unadmitingly ungrateful for the fact that I have 4 beautiful, perfectly healthy children who are amazing souls that have been gifted to me. And I'm too busy being crappy to notice. I don't truly appreciate my husband for who he is, what he does, what he contributes, what he gives to me and our family, how you move in his life. Mostly I see that he's not around enough, not involved enough, that he's a spoiled, demanding brat (which he is) that doesn't seem to have any emotions, care about mine or anyone else's, and just lives to satisfy his own selfish nature. Who doesn't go to church with me and shows little sign of ever doing so. Or of having any interest in having our own spritual discussions together. And i see that all from my own selfish point of view. And let's not forget,  just last week, when a friend said she was having a hard time, my response was, "hm, that's too bad." And I only felt obligated to ask what was wrong, not because I cared or wanted to know. Because I was having my own bad day.

Just when exactly did I become selfish and why? Isn't marriage and motherhood supposed to hone you into a finer being, not make you worse?

And let's just talk about that anger. I've mentioned this to you before. But you seem to be ignoring me, and let me tell you, that PISSES ME THE F OFF. Now it's easy to blame it all on that stupid roommate I had, as the wonderful parting gift she left me, but I'm sure it came long before that. Kind of like a sleeping giant. Because it is giant. I'm angy at how you have a history of not answering my prayers. Of not speaking to me when I ask. Of not giving me the wisdom and answers on how to be a better mother, on meeting my children's needs, on being a better wife to my challenging husband that I do truly love. I need you, and I want you. And yes, I hear from you. But it would be nice, for once, to hear from you about little old selfish fat sad angry me, instead of everyone else. Talk to me. I can take it. Tell me all the crap I need to change. Show me all my flaws. Rip my heart out. Just don't stomp on it. And certainly, don't just say nothing.

So many questions and hurts that seem to lay buried, but the cemetery might be flooding and all those dead are popping to the surface.

The most recent being the whole deal with the miscarriage. Now I get that's life, and those things happen. And though I'm sad about that loss of life, why did you have to let my joy be robbed in the process. Aren't you supposed to protect me? I was defenseless then, and now it's gone. As the tears endlessly run down my face, believe me when I say, I want it back.

I'm a ruined mess.

Most days this monster, this giant, stays in check, not rendering me helpless or hopeless. Not making an ugly appearance for all the world to see. It's mostly hidden. But there's sure a lot of clouds. I could use a sunny day. A sunny week. A sunny freaking year. A new and improved me. And I think my children would greatly benefit from having a different mom. They really are the innocent victims here. And I really hate seeing my own bad behaviors and habits replicated in my children. It's the worst. mirror.  e v e r. And one that brings more guilt, and condemnation, and more feelings of being overwhelmed with life. ugh.

See, now even I'm getting bored with my complaining.

But from the bottom of my heart.

pretty please.

with all the sugar in the world.

Can i please have some joy? Can I pleeeaaase come out of this deep dark pit?

I need your help. I can't do this alone. I just can't do all this all by myself. Most of the time, I feel like I can't do it at all.

Blah.

And for anyone else reading this, I'm not sure if I should be posting it. So if you have any thoughts on the subject, please feel free to email me. Thanks.

snarl

I will warn you. You should just probably stop reading now. Really. The following is just a bunch of crabby babble. Melancholic musings of a mad mommy. Mad as in loco and angry. I may not even publish it. It's really that bad.

I have this really annoying character flaw. It's annoying to me because I have a hard time changing it, so it makes me stuck in it. And because it's a flaw, it is not a good thing. See, when I have a mood, it permeates everything, and I share it.. I can't put on a happy face for anyone. (I doubt my children will ever accuse me of being two-faced.) You know how mom's can go from screaming at you one minute, then the phone rings, and wham-o, "hi, how are you" sweet-like-honey comes out. Nope. Not me. Can't do it. Much to the dismay of Holly at some bill collectors office, I'm sure. Poor gal called at the. wrong. time. She kept asking me why I was mad at her. Stupid girl wouldn't end the conversation.

I am who I am, no facades, no masks, just me in all my shitty glory. (sorry for that but I am shitty. and I swear occasionally). So I share my glorious mood with whomever happens to cross my path. I should stick a warning sign on my forhead. "Run. Fast."

I also have a hard time getting out of that mood. It takes  m u c h  concious effort on my part. And lately (ok, since, like, August), I just don't have the energy for the effort. I try sometimes, and it all goes awry. Nothing works out. It all ends in disaster. And then it's worse. So I live a life of crappy attitudes, negative outlooks, and critical existence. I'm always tired, always stressed, always mad about something. Life is always too much for me to deal with. I'm always overwhelmed. I always see the obstacles, and can't find the rainbow to any rainstorm.

Don't you wish you were me?

And who would want to talk to someone like that, hang out or even make small chit chat. Who wants to read a blog by Negative Nelly? I doubt anyone really wants to waste their time bring themselves down by my negative commentary on life in the mommy lane.

The problem is, I'm getting sick of this, but don't know how to change it. I don't know how to find my happy, to laugh, to smile.

Not every day is a bad day, but no day is a really good day.

I want escape from my life. From my house, my responsibilities, my children.  I want to run away, to a far away place, where I can't hear cries, and demands, and arguing, and whining. Where people don't complain about what you didn't do, but in fact are grateful and appreciative for all that you do (and sorry, I don't care if those people are 3 or 33). I want to walk across a room and not be disgusted. I want to accomplish tasks and not have them undone a minute later. I want to stop screaming and being angry and discontent. I want to find the joy in my children. See my blessings for what they are.

Instead, I just sit here, listening to my son scream his bloody head off for an hour. Or so. I just want him to shut up.

This sticking my head in the sand thing is not working.

Have a nice day. Aren't you glad you read this drivel? I promise, some day I'll have something nice and pleasant or at least pensive and thought provoking to say. For now, it's just a pity party on my block.

The interview. The search. Patience.

A question was posed. How do you find community? Do you do "the interview" with new people, sizing them up to see if the fit your match profile? Are they like you in lifestyle, beliefs, interests, age, beauty, family, status? Do you seek out people who are different, who might challenge you? What people do tend to steer clear of?

I think we all look to find fellowship with people we might be comfortable with, like ourselves, familiar. Most people don't tend to look for friendships in which they will feel awkward or challenged, with people who live lives that may be in conflict with our lifestyle or beliefs.

I personally feel awkward by people who are "cooler" than me, or who are, um, evil, or into that kind of thing. Not that I'd snub them, just that I feel uncomfortable. And people who are way above my socio-economic status.

 

I come from the other side, the side who people rejected after the "interview." Not as much as in high school, but it still happens. When you live in small communities, it's already formed - because you haven't lived there your whole life, OR because you have. When you add being a SAHM, I think it makes life even more isolating. No automatic community of coworkers.

 

I look to church for community, but even there, there is judgement. (And I'm not the only one who feels that way.) So I wonder, is it because I'm too fat, not rich, don't dress a certain way, my hub doesn't attend church, I'm not happy enough, boring, just not desirable?

 

No. I am all those things. I am desirable. I am fun. And who cares that I'm fat, poor, and not fashion savy. My husband and my God love me. That makes me worthy. And because I have not drawn those lines (as much), I have met many strange and wonderful people. In fact, "those" people seem to come find *me*.

 

I do search for community, and deep relationship. I long for it, actually. The more difficult challenge for me is developing relationships with people who don't have time. Our focus, at this stage of life, seems more to be about family. Everyone seems to have a hard time balancing work, family, church and friends. It's frustrating to want to build relationship, but realize that you no longer have the luxury of time and less responsibility than you had during high school and college.

 

Of coarse I have friends. But not really close friends. The inside jokes, the person who knows what I'm going to say before I say it, no kindred spirit, no one who totally understands me without judgement, no one I feel totally safe telling everything.

 

But I'm not complaining. Really. I'm being patient. I have learned to be patient.

 

Many years have gone by since I had those kind of friendships. Lives change, people change, people move, people move on. I tend to hold on to those, even though they're long gone. I mourn the loss. (Can I start another sentance with "I" ?) Since I have had many years "alone", I have learned a few lessons. One of those lessons was that I needed to be thankful and appreciate what each friendship offered, instead of dwelling on what it lacked, what it wasn't. Nor can I put all my eggs in one basket. (A lesson my husband was happy I learned, as I kept trying to make him my basket, and that was too much pressure. Neither was it healthy.)

 

I often wondered if this dry spell was God trying to get me to make Him my best friend. Unfortunately, I don't know that I am capable of having that kind of a relationship with Him, sad as it is to say that. I need tangible. Sorry, God.

 

So I wait. I wait for the day, the opportunity, the person who God wants me to know as friend. I wait for the day when I can have a conversation not interrupted by many small children. :)

 

In the meantime, I enjoy the friendships I have on the level they're at, I count the blessings (1,2,3,4 and many more) that I have today, and pray for that *next door neighbor who wants to come over and hang out at my house just as much as I want to hang at hers, not bothered while I fold by piles of laundry, to share each other's secrets, and build a history together as friends. (*It's just so conveneint that way.)

 

**And God, if you're listening, it would be really great if she had a husband who was just as much a friend to my husband as she is to me. Thanks.

Reaction

Someone tells you of their multiple unending crises of life, car problems, the dental bill, the financial woes from here to Tennesee, what do you do?

Your husband is totally stressing about upcoming job changes, and you are worried about being able to pay the heat bill this winter, what do you do?

Someone tells you they are depressed and have tried, seriously, to take their own life, what do you do?

A friend confides to you that they have no hope for a situation, feels as though their dreams are dying, what do you do?

When life comes at you all at once - supper burning, phone ringing, child crying, children fighting, headache, hungry, diapers, bills - what do you do?

I have had occasion, in the recent past, to wonder, "what do people who aren't Christians do? How do they cope with crises? Where, or to whom, do they turn?"

I seriously don't know.

I have always known I have a God to turn to, who is my protector and provider. He is the one who cares most what happens to me, where I land, where I go. He should be my source, my all in all. Tonight, in talking to some friends, I listened to a story shared about how one woman would pray before she dealt with each new "customer" that she was to help. Many times she would walk away amazed at how God had used her in their situation, in ways she could never have done on her own. And when she got done sharing, I thought, man, I wonder what my life would be like if I prayed like that about the situations I encounter in my "work." What would happen in my home if I started my day like that? Driving home, I realized that I rarely even offer to pray for others, or even to pray for them privately later on. I failed to pray for someone's car problems today. I didn't ask God to cover my children. I haven't asked God to bless my home, my marriage, our finances. I don't pray for my parents or siblings or inlaws with any kind of regularity at all. I have failed to put my trust in God for helping my child in school. And I am stressing about all kinds of things for which God knows the answer.

So really, what do I do? Because even though I know in my head that I have that God to turn to, I'm not turning to Him.

Apparently, I need some work in this area of my reaction to, and preparation for, life.

Lord, I'm really missing the mark in how I deal with life. I eat, or scream, or walk away, when really I should be falling on my knees and searching for you. Forgive me for not even noticing. Help me to seek you first, to look to you for guidance for myself or others. I desperately ask for your wisdom in my life, in the decisions I make, and in the situations I affect. I ask for your gentle reminder that you are in all these situations, longing to show your glory, and to shower your blessings. Thanks for never giving up on me, even when I give up on myself. Thanks for placing people in my life who know just when to give a word of encouragement, a hug, or an hour of free babysitting. Help me to be a blessing to others, and encourager, a stand-in-the-gap-er. Because I want to be a giver, not a taker. A noticer, not wrapped up in my own world, oblivious. I want YOU to be my home base, that place I run to. And I want people to see that in me, and know they can run to you too.