So I started a new, well, not really a bible study. It's actually called peer counseling, but it's biblically based. The focus is on developing intimacy with God. Who doesn't want/need that, right? (Well, if you don't, you should. You don't know what you're missing, and that's totally the problem.) Problem is, it takes time. And quiet. Things I'm rather lacking in with 5 time-sucking noise makers (that I love with all my heart, but they make life and prayer a challenge).
Relationships take time. And intention. When I meet someone, a new mom-friend to-be for example, I can most certainly envision hanging out while our kids play, enjoying weekly get togethers, spending lots of time together so that we bond, our children (could) bond (if they wanted to), a relationship deepened, our respective homes became a second home to the other – comfortable, entwined lives. I would love to have that kind of friendship where we could laugh and have inside jokes, where I could share my whole heart and not be afraid, to share deeply who I am and the parts that aren’t so pretty but how I’ve changed and grown from that, and have that other person do the same. (There's nothing worse that laying it all out there and then the other person does not reciprocate. ugh)
Problem is, since I left college in the early nineties, it just ain't happenin'. People don’t have time for relationship building. And it's frustrating.
It's not fair to say that I don't have any friends. I do. And they're great friends who have awesome qualities and have enriched my life and blessed me greatly. Greatly. I feel honored and humbled, frequently.
But I kinda want more. And I feel bad for saying that, for wanting that. (And no, my hubby is not that person. He never wants to talk about feelings. He's such a man. Go figure.) But it’s intimacy that I want, and intimacy that I’m lacking.
I have gotten mad at God for seemingly abandoning me, not addressing my need for relationship and leaving me feeling cold and lonely. I (re)dated the wrong man as a sort of rebellious statement (and also because I was very lonely) when no friends were to be had and even my brothers didn't want to hang out with me. I have wondered what is wrong with me. I have wondered what is wrong with everyone else.
By some miracle, I actually met someone who was probably as desperate as I was and got married, had kids, etc. But I still don't have the relationship I'm needing, wanting. And as a mom, it's especially hard. Hard to have an uninterrupted conversation, hard to have time to get away, hard to work around school pick-up and nap schedules. It’s hard to find time around laundry and supper duties to carve out time to develop relationship. Even with our spouse. Maybe other people don’t want it as much as I seem to. Or are scared to step out in vulnerability. I dunno. But over the past 18 years, once or twice it has popped into my head that maybe God is keeping friend relationships like that from me as a way of sort of giving me the chance to seek that out with him.
I just can’t seem to get over the lack of his flesh, on that, though.
And this is a problem. His lack of flesh. I mean, sure, God can come on spa retreats with me (bwaahaha, me on a spa retreat. But since I’m dreaming and hoping, let’s just go with it) but it would probably draw odd looks and phone calls to the funny farm if I had a laughing fit or a really deep conversation with God, and people could only hear me.
But I still want, need, long for intimacy. And I’m figuring out that the hurt places in my heart could do with a little God intimacy. I feel like I’m in a season of God calling me, wanting more, as I want more, yearn for intimacy in Christ. But I just. Can’t. Seem. To. Get. there. And I hate that.
I don’t have time.
There’s no quiet (except after 9 pm, in which I’m exhausted and want to numb my mind on stupid things like Hulu and FB).
And even when I have that time carved out, in church, at bible study, I feel like I just can’t. I can’t because there’s not time for that. Children are asking questions about why mommy is crying, or can I have another cookie, or when are we going home. There’s not enough time to really lay all my guts out and at the feet of Jesus because we only have X amount of minutes and I need to not monopolize it all, and even then I don’t want to be a blubbering, red-faced, googley-eyed idiot when I pick up the kids at the babysitter’s (who will look at me like I’m some lunatic – which I am but let’s not give the freaks in this town any more fodder for that rumor). There’s just no time. Ands even if there is, I don’t seize the opportunity, because I take that opportunity to do something like blog or FB or do dishes in silence.
And what I really need to do is just say to HELL with all of it and just lay at the frickin feet of Jesus and bawl my ever lovin’ head off and who gives a crap about what time it is or who’s watching or what my kids are doing because maybe someone can just do me the favor of taking care of all that so I can have a moment or thirty. Cuz girlfriend’s got some crap she just needs to lay down.
A few weeks ago, a visiting pastor told a tale of how he went on a missions trip to Mexico and had great notions of having this daily quiet time. Instead, the church next door had nightly services that were rather spirited (and loud) until late into the night, and right about the time he fell asleep the roosters would start crowing. As it turned out, there was no quiet time to be had, that week. He explained that at the end of the week he was so absolutely exhausted. And boy could I relate to that. He was trying to explain about how we need to have that alone time with God, but that sometime there are interruptions. It was when he said that we can’t always control when the baby cries, that there is often not much silence for mothers of small children and we just can’t get there to that quiet time with God, that the tears started rolling down my face. (And to think that about 5 minutes prior to this I thought the guy was boring and had nothing of interest for me in this message. HA! HA!) I swear he was speaking right to me, reading my mail. But then he said this… God has grace for that.
What a relief. Like a blanket of mercy and grace that washed over me. Hope is not lost. I am not lost. Hallelujah!
But how long does this grace and mercy last? Days? Weeks? Years? How about decades? I know you can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes, and this too shall pass and all that crap, but seriously. Is there a cap on how much time I have to seek and find and build intimacy in Him?
I feel frantic. Desperate. And yet tired. Burnt out. Done. Spiritually speaking, but that also runs into the physical/emotional side of life, too.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt 11:28-30
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ~Isaiah 40:31
This seems so easy and so impossible. Lord, help me to get there. I need you. I feel like a failure, and yet I know I'm sabotaging myself. I want you. I want to know you. I want to have that kind of relationship where it's hard to tell where you end and I begin. Thank you for your grace. Please don't give up on me.
