hole

Have you ever come across someone, friend, family, lover or even a stranger, who made your heart ache for the yearning inside them? We all have those areas inside us that feel empty, that we chase things to fill them with. Anything from shopping, to food, to sex, drugs and rock and roll, relationships, x rated images, money, power, even exercise. It's not all just "bad" stuff. Reading can be an escape. I mean, who doesn't love to crawl into a good book for a while? I know I do. I have those areas, those weaknesses too. But "things" never make me feel better, at least not in the long run. 

It's hard to see that empty place inside someone else, too. To see them ache or yearn for something, and what they find never really does the trick. My empathy kicks in because I know the pain of my ache, the lengths I have gone to fill a need, and the after affects of not finding the right thing. We all want to feel loved, valuable, worthy, attractive, capable, strong, encouraged, successful, included. Even when we are, we can still feel like we're not, or that it's not enough. To watch that in someone else makes me feel a little helpless. Even I feel lost. Lost in how to help, how to cure, how to make it all better and make the pain go away.

I had such an encounter today, and it kills me that I can't make it all better. Instantly a song came into my head, a song that I think of quite often, actually. I really only know the chorus, but it says it all.

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And a restless soul is searching.

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And it's a void only He can fill. 

                                        ~ Plumb - God-Shaped Hole

My internal reaction was instant. It was like a dagger to my heart, because my heart aches for their ache, their emptiness. And I feel like I know the answer but how do I get them to see that? To KNOW that, to know Him? I prayed, but sometimes it feels like prayer isn't enough. Probably because we want instant gratification. But I truly truly want this person to know God, to know wholeness, to experience restoration and the healing salve of God in their life. Because I know He brings that, if only we will take it. 

Lord, please hear my cries for this person. Call out to them in a way they cannot mistake. Help them to see and hear and answer your call, your invitation to wholeness. Jesus I ask that you would remove all fear or inhibition that might hold them back, that those would no longer be barriers to coming into a fuller relationship with you. Please let them see that their need, their ache, is of you and you alone. Orchestrate their surroundings and encounters so that they see you and hear your good words. God I ask for your forgiveness for my own lack of faith, my own fear of failure, my own fear that you are not enough. I ask for peace in knowing you are in control, and you have it all in your care. Lord, I know the plans you have for me, for us. Plans to prosper and not harm, to give us a hope and a future. Help us to call on you with all our heart, to pray to you, and that you will listen. You word says, "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Set the captives free, Lord, set them free. In Jesus name, Amen.

Satan is trying to steal my Joy

I really hate those days when I'm struggling. Feeling overwhelmed with melancholy or something like despair. Days when you feel stuck under a cloud, can't shake it, are powerless to change it, to change anything. The worst part? Sometimes it can hit you in the middle of a really good moment.

My life seems to be full of struggles lately. I'm not normally one to let it define me, because life always has struggles. It's part of life. (Yeah, I'm a realist like that.) But some days (weeks, months, years) seem a little heavier on the struggle part, and a lot harder on the able-to-overcome part. Parenting is really kicking me this last year. Dealing with challenging children is challenging. Thankfully, marriage is not on the list. It's always on the list of thing to work on but we're mostly in a good place, dealing with our conflicts in healthy ways. But the cloud of depression hangs over it all. I've acknowledged it's an issue and sought treatment, but I'm still dealing with working out the treatment, and that's not as smooth as one would like. 

We had our 11th wedding anniversary this weekend. We ended up going to a bar/restaurant for supper, and stayed for a live blues band. The place wasn't very busy so the noise level was minimal and we were really able to enjoy the music, which is something we both enjoy and haven't done in quite a while. But my body was tired, my mind was emotional, and it had the feeling to me that it wasn't that special, that I wasn't that special to him. I felt fat with nothing to wear. Yes, every woman's dilemma and while it sounds so cliche, it says something about her emotional state. That and I really am fat and really do need to buy some clothes for myself. But I think every woman wants to be all he sees when their mate looks around the room, that they only have eyes for us, that we are the most beautiful thing to him.We want to feel that. I don't feel that, but that's not to say it isn't true. That's where satan comes in, sneaky little devil.

I often look at my hubby and have such strong feelings of love and attraction for him. It's a warmth, it has electricity. It's a full body emotion. When we were out, and I was watching his face, his reaction to the band, listening to his thoughts of the music and playing, I had that thought, that feeling of love. And when I caught his eye, I smiled and said, "You're so hot." He smiled a shy smile and made some comical retort. 

It was in that intimate moment, that shared space of love and attraction, that that sneaky little bastard stole my joy. He came in to my mind and with "but why doesn't he ever say that to me?" and the quick response of "because I'm fat / he doesn't think I'm beautiful / he sees how disgusting I've become." It was so swift a shift in thought that I felt stabbed, so sharp it brought me to tears, so cunning I believed it. Good feelings gone.

The cloud of that still lingers with me, more than a day later. My depression is winning. Feelings of being powerless heighten. Melancholy looms. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and not come out for days.

I even went up for prayer at church. And while some of it hit the nail RIGHT on the head, some of the things people were saying had satan in my ear arguing against it, not letting me believe it. Not letting truth push out lies.

satan is stupid.

My flesh and heart cry out, to you the living God. Your Spirit's water for my soul. I've tasted and I've seen. Come once again to me.

But Lord, I need you to draw near to me, because I haven't the strength.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise you near enough
For I am nothing, I am nothing without you.

All my soul needs
Is all your love
to cover me.

He Speaks Even in Stolen Moments

I don't take a lot of time for quiet, devotions, prayer. It's stolen moments, basically. No in depth studies, no great prayer times filled with the Holy Spirit and great revelation. Five minutes here, a middle of the night/afternoon cry, plea for rescue is what it usually looks like for me. I am so thankful that God doesn't need hours to speak. It can happen in an instant, in stolen moments, while noise and chaos ensues around you (or, as in my case this morning, a 2 year old, same thing).

Being a person who likes direction, I have found the book Jesus Calling to be fantastic. I would say it speaks to my right now about 80% of the time. That's pretty good. Whatever the tool, I'm just glad that God hears and sees me.

The other morning I was stressing about a situation, getting riled up at some nosy person and how their judgment affected me. And I was judging. Judging the past and the yet to come. Judging someone I didn't know, imagining a situation that hadn't happened yet. All with a rather angry, negative attitude. Partially out of fear, (because no one likes feeling judged themselves) and partially out of it's inconvenience to my life. I was also dealing with excruciating pain and a lack of sleep, which helped none. I had gotten up at 4am because of the pain, cleaned my house, did some laundry, took a shower, got the kids off to school, and then had a few moments of peace where I didn't feel the need to get up and work work work (cuz I already had, so I had "earned" my relax time). I sat down with my devotional, and this is what I read:

Come to Me and rest. Give your mind a break from its habitual judging. You form judgments about this situation, that situation, this person, that person, yourself, even the weather - as if judging were your main function in life. But I created you first and foremost to know Me and to live in rich communication with Me. When you become preoccupied with passing judgement, you usurp My role.

The thing is, I hadn't even really realized I was judging, and therefore that I wasn't giving God room to be God.

On a more fun and enjoyable note, we are finally getting to take some time away, to celebrate 10 years of marriage perhaps?, or just to get away and rest, to enjoy each other without being prey to the needs and demands of our beloved children. Before we were married, we'd get up on Saturday morning and say, hm, what do we do today, where should we go. My husband is a "wild hair" sort of guy so you never knew what would strike his fancy. But that feeling of just being able to go wherever and do whatever, unplanned, is sort of romantic and enticing. Freeing. We don't have a lot of money saved for this (bad timing being at the start of the school year), but we have people to tend our children, and a couple days' time. What to do?? We aren't really sure, but we were just gifted a night's stay at a particular hotel, which has given our time some direction, literally. But since we don't know what there is to do in that area, I'm looking, trying to figure it all out. I had originally had in mind a different part of the state entirely, so this has sort of thrown me for a loop. But I consulted with my friend Google and was plotting our moves, at least trying to figure out accommodations for night number two, when I consulted with my spouse who's suggestion just upended the 3 hours of research I had just done. Deep breath. This is supposed to be fun, but suddenly it was becoming stressful. I went to bed. 

This morning after getting the kids out the door to school, I took another stolen moment. 

You will not find My Peace by engaging in excessive planning, attempting to control what will happen to you in the future... When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you... 

I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears. Commit everything into My care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace.

Wow. Ok. I got it. Get my eyes off what I see right in front of me, from judging and worrying and trying to have everything under control, and get my eyes on God. Let HIM take care of the details. He's got my back, apparently.

Thank you, God, for speaking in my stolen moments. Help me to keep my eyes on you, and not buried in worry about all the stuff around me. Lord, I want to receive all the blessings you have in store for us, for me, and I know that your plan is much better than mine. 

Breakdown

Don't worry. I'm fine. Just looking at a verse, breaking it down.

There's lots going on and I have churning in my guts. In thinking about some things today, this verse came to mind. When I Googled it looked it up, it gave me the option to list different translations. Okay! That kinda thing trips my trigger. Here's the breakdown:

1 Peter 5:8

Be self controlled and alert; 
be sober, be watchful; 
be serious and keep watch; 
be clearheaded, keep alert; 
stay sober, stay alert; 
be sober-minded; 
keep your mind clear; 
be vigilant; 
control yourselves; 
be on your guard; 
discipline yourselves; 
keep a cool head; 
curb every passion.

Wow. That's just the first sentence.

You opponent, adversary, enemy, your great accuser, the Evil One, the devil...

...prowls, walks, stalks, goes, is poised to pounce...

like a roaring lion 

...looking for someone to devour, 

seeking whom he may swallow up, 

would like nothing better than to catch you napping, 

looking for some victim, 

someone to chew up and swallow.

It's interesting how "he" seems to be all sneaky-sneaky with the prowling and stalking, but yet is a ROARING lion. I am thankful for the warning to be on guard, to pay attention, but do we often bother with that? Do we heed that warning? Do we do anything about it?

I am sensing a lot of spiritual turmoil "in the atmosphere." I'm feeling this warning. However, in the past, even when I have felt that spiritual prompting, I have failed to adequately suit up. I have not kept a cool head. I have not been self-controlled. I drop my guard, fail to be alert or clearheaded, fail to see the trap, and I walk right into battle. The battle scars are still visible, still painful, and nothing good has been accomplished. Nothing healed, nothing redeemed.

Lord Jesus, prepare me. Help me to cloak myself in the full armor of God so that I am equipped to take a stand against the devil's schemes. Help me to recognize the powers of the dark world, the spiritual forces in the heavenly realm, to separate them from people and hearts, and that I may act accordingly, in your will. Help me to wield weapons of love, grace, mercy and forgiveness, instead of beating "my opponent" with "truth" or sharp arrows. I admit to my foolish ways, my foolish thinking, my loose tongue. God I ask that you would be my wisdom and understanding, and that you would teach me to be a little more like you with every breath I take. 

Lord, Prepare me. In Jesus name.

Who are you?

I consider this blog rather private. I don't tell many people about it, and though you can see it on my Blogger profile, most people don't check that. I use this as a place to process some very deep stuff within myself, and writing is, at times, cathartic for me, helps draw things out.

On my last post, which was one such type of post, I linked up to another blog by a writer who has done the same in her space, of baring it all, so to speak. Who was asking people to share stories of brokenness and/or mending. And so I did.

That particular post of mine got 99 views. And only one comment. One comment from a friend who I asked specifically if she would read the post as I had talked to her about my struggles.

Now, I'm not doing this for the comments. Heaven knows, cuz I don't ever get any. Which is fine. I'm really ok with that. But, when almost one hundred people read something you've written and no one says anything, it sort of makes you feel a little like a freak show, imagining that people are out there going "OMG! That chick is crazy /  needs antidepressants / is self absorbed / is the worst Christian ever." Whatever. The imagination can really go places. Not-commenting leads me to the feeling that no one is experiencing or has experienced that same inner dilemma. Really? No one? I'm the only one with screwed up priorities?

And, there's one particular person, based on my view tracker, from my area, who checks this blog almost daily, or at least a few times a week.

WHO ARE YOU?

What say you? I am a person who appreciates feedback, even if it's not of the fluffy, make-you-feel-good sort, as long as it's honest and done in kindness. I value friends who can be honest with me, even and especially, when it's uncomfortable (for the both of us), because that shows me you care enough not to let me wallow in my crap. And for the record, I'm preferential to not wallowing.

So maybe, if you don't want to speak up and make yourself less of a stalker known, then you should just kindly delete my website from your bookmark list.

I'm not interested in being a freak show. Having 5 kids gets me enough of that.

Or, you could weigh in, because I value what you have to say.

Thanks.

Numero Uno.

**This post has been rewritten. I shouldn’t have published the first version without giving it time to simmer. It’s now been a few days, more things have happened / thoughts have occurred, went to church and God always speaks to me there. Then I read a post that could almost have been written by me. You can read it here. It has a lot more grace and calm, which I needed and brought here.**

My priorities are all screwed up. That's what I'm coming to realize. Actually, I've realized it for a while I just didn't want to admit it. It’s a little scary to be admitting it out loud.

God’s certainly been doing a roto-router job on me this year. Combine that with what I suspect could be hormone changes and it feels like disaster, loud and tear-stained. Yet, while it’s very uncomfortable to go through change and growth (aka hardship and disaster, emotional anguish or what have you), if you allow change to be made, if you let go of your control and trust that God will catch you on the other side, it’s so very good. I’m still waiting for that “very good” part. Also, consequently, the allowing and letting go parts.

This year has been about cleansing. Stinky old lies have been brought to light, things big and small uncovered. There has been some growth into new territory in marriage, though difficult, and I expect more is to come. Over the summer, I have experienced some healing of old wounds (think grade school / junior high, old) and though that’s pretty new, I think there is freedom there I haven’t even discovered yet. Work continues also in where I turn to, not only in times of trouble, but at every moment of the day, from whom I draw my strength, and trusting that God’s actually going to be there. Which brings me to the biggie. Numero Uno.

Who is my Numero Uno?

With all the stuff I’ve been delving into and attempting to process (sometimes unsuccessfully), on top of dealing with the day to day of being a mom to five kids and wife to a semi-absentee husband, a person can get pretty crispy. There’s only so much you can pile on one person.

My heart feels smashed. My senses are overloaded. My emotions bubble, constantly, at the surface, all day, every day, overwhelming me. Anger, sadness, grief, frustration, lonliness, hunger, ache, desperation - all unrelenting. And satan is doing a real number on my thought life, like you have no idea. It’s killer, I tell ya. But there’s just simply not time for me. Cuz, you know, I’m a mom. There’s always some need or task that calls me away from the freedom to feel and to process, and to listen to what God has to say. I keep (yes, keep, as this is very much an in-progress situation) looking to my spouse to be my healer, my savior, the one who lifts me up, salves my wounds, encourages me, who is strong where I am weak, my knight on a white horse swooping in to make it all better.

My husband is not that guy. And while he has room for his own improvement, the problem is largely within me.

*suck in breath*

That hurts to say.

I weep.

He shouldn’t be all that. That’s a lot to ask of anyone. He can't be my everything. And yet I have tried to make him that. My husband is not my savior. Nor my healer. There is only One, and his name is not Jayson. It’s Jesus.

Jesus is the only one with self-sacrificial love for me. He is the only one who knows my inner most being. He is the only one that can soothe those deep, deep places, without me even having to speak them.

And yet, while knowing that, I keep trying to beat it out my spouse. Demand it, force it, beg for it.

You know what that produces? Conflict. Heartache. Disappointment. More lonliness. It pushes farther away that which I desperately crave.

I want to be loved.

As much as my heart aches, my soul aches more. But for some reason, I am unwilling, or unable, to surrender the fact that I place my husband, inappropriately, as Numero Uno, not God. I look to my husband to fill me, to give me all the love and reassurance I need. To ease all my hurts and comfort my weary soul. I make him the center of my universe. I love God, but I can't say that I love Him most. As a Christian, I am ashamed to admit that.  (See Commandment #1 - Thou shalt have no other gods before me.) But I don’t know how to love God more. I don’t know how to feel his love more.

In church on Sunday we sang this song (and this is the only version I can find but I believe it was written by Joel Hanson of PFR)

Chorus:

Under

I’m going under

Let the water

Water wash over

Let me rise up

Out of these old ways

Into new life

Into your name

As I started to sing this chorus, I had an image of myself going under water, drowning. And that’s how I often feel. But then I saw, instead, rising up, like a baptism. Emerging out of the water. New. Free. Mended. Whole.

I want the baptism, not the drowning. To be a new creation.

This part’s pretty good too.

Mark me with love that flows from your name

As I plunge under and rise again 

(which reminds me that more big waves will come, it’s never just one)

Let your kingdom rule to the depths of my soul

Make me free, make me whole.

Lord, forgive me. Help me. Please, hear my cries. I don’t know where to go from here. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit, and a right order, within me.

Do you have a story of brokenness, one of being mended or needing mending? It's important to share those stories so we know we're not alone. Angie Smith, in honor of her new book release entitled Mending, she is asking for people to share their stories. If you are interesting in the book, it can be purchased at Barnes & Noble or Amazon.

Bless the Lord, O My Soul [pt 5]

It'd been a while since I had a night off.  It felt like years.

I was excited for my date night; relief was coming.

That day I had a bunch of errands to do, grocery shopping, house cleaning, so it was busy.  All five kids in tow, we  plodded our way through the wal-Marts - bathroom breaks, junk food requests, the usual chimes of "I hate this store" (by my kids, not me). Through it all, I had the chorus of this song in my head.  And I sang it everywhere.  Out loud.

Bless the Lord, O My Soul,

O My Soul.

Worship His holy name.

Sing like never before,

O my soul, Worship his holy name.

Just the chorus.  I sang it in the bathroom while waiting for kids.  I sang it walking down the isles.  In the car. Over and over and over again.  It's soothing, but it also evokes something.  It calls out, like a request and proclamation all at once.  Bless the Lord, O my Soul.

All night I sang it.  While picking up toys, folding laundry, vacuuming, making supper.  The sitter came, and I went on my merry way, still singing this song.  In the restaurant, in the car, all the places I went.

I sort of made some rules for myself in regards to date night.  To be by myself. To do something relaxing - not a night filled with errands. To give myself opportunity to feel, process, mourn, scream, cry, sleep, sing, dance, or whatever it is I NEED to do to feed my soul and my spirit, to process emotions, to find rest for my weary self.

On my date night, I went to a local pub for some supper, patio time, and a little book study reading.  I enjoyed myself.  I soaked in the silence despite the distractions.  I reveled in sitting.  I eavesdropped and people watched.  I looked at light and shadows.

This song is still seeping out of my soul and my mouth.

When I got home, I went to my envelope to get the babysitter money, and I took out the card that was included. This is the front of the card:

If that's not a confirmation that I'm on the right path and that God is paving the way, then I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

Since the song I had been singing all day and the card I received was this very bit from Psalm 103, I felt compelled to look it up.

103 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
³ who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵ who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

It felt like obedience. And blessing, provision (not so much monetary but by providing what I need - rest), and answered prayer.

I like being obedient. It feels good.